Wanting to be good.

I've started to think when I'm doing something or not doing something how important it is to me and why. I've started that kind of analysis which before I used to be weary of. I always get a little tired of hearing someone's explanation for a certain behaviour in particular if they assume to know that person straightaway..however now I sort of have an ear to listen to what they have to say. Anyway, I have narrowed down my priorities in life. Now for me that is important since not long ago I was facing a literally life altering decision.

Whilst it may seem others have got breaks, I have to ignore that and focus on me. It's no good to compare yourself to others. I must be singleminded. I'm also a bit tired of coming up so low in comparison to others according to others. I never had a problem with myself until it mine were repetedly pointed out to me and I know there is nothing "wrong" with me other than the fact I look like a decent person and someone who is sensitive and sensible ..and that brings out something in others causing them to pick on it. If that's deluded, if that's not indeed the truth then so be it. Because I just can't care anymore about how lacking I am. I must think I'm okay. Even if it's delusion.

I've started to work back on my diet and excersise. Perhaps it's a minor form of control for me, I can not control anything else but I can control this and perhaps I need to exert control in some way..but it's also because I want to fullfill my potential and I know it works for this, having seen results. You know some days I feel so energetic despite not knowing where the energy comes from, lack of sleep, no lunch, perhaps it's the sunshine, really, that makes me feel I could just run. Like literally just run and run and run. It sort of reminds me of Forrest Gump and say what you want, they sure did, the book was filled with other people's bullshit and prejudice (by the way prejudices should not EVER define us; what a disgusting world) but boy did that guy have a lust for life. So much so would the movie be so great without that level of character? Would there even be a story? Oh yeah so what he lacked IQ, it's the character that I think is most important. He could function, big fucking deal he wasn't some hotshot. I love that word, it cheapens what other people value so much and I so little.

So my wanting to be good is because I feel I have had to be independant even when at times I just wanted to have someone, like some sort of stupid angel smile on me and say it's going to be okay, but even then I've had to be fight through it. I don't know why I've had to have bad day after bad day, I just know that the fighting is making me stronger and more determined. My road is longer and rougher but I will get what I want in the end. No out of my league, no you can not do this shit. They said I couldn't do many things, but I did them. And I just want to smack the look of suprise of people's faces, they're idiots. But then that's thing, it's always the idiots who seem to get to you. Still, I have to look at what I have achieved. Through not being the prettiest or the smartest or the liveliest, I've achieved everything through sheer hardwork. And I know who my enemies and my friends are now.

I want to be good..I want to be the best I can be. And the thing is, I KNOW when to stop because I've had to learn to prioritise.