The simple, cold, hard truth.

We all have those. And it leads to some necessary ass kicking. There are some people who get more than others. A member of my family likes to use the word luck. I don't. I would rather not acknowledge it. I'm not part of that world. I should have ACTED on the knowledge starting right back at school, 15 years ago, that when my friend and I each planted something for Biology, she would turn out with the better product through no work of her own. I say this out of truth, not bitterness. But part of me was bitter. And jealous. I suppose that could be healthy..part of my competitive streak..but there's no good in having one if you don't act on it. Buried, hidden feelings are not good. There were a couple of other instances, we had all got dressed up and had our hair done for this play, and this other girl got swooned at by the other women, I was just left with oh you look..thinner. I thought I actually looked pretty and deserved some compliment just like the other girls. But you can't expect to deserve a compliment. Well, I can't and I shouldn't.

I see that my personality, my smile, my bubbliness is annoying rather than fun. I get called nice but never charismatic..I used to get that but that got knocked by a teacher no less who said I was over confident. I was doing first aid resusicitation at the time; how the HELL could I have been overconfident?!

There's always been instances..but I have let them hold me back in the sense I have in a way and in the worst way, put up a wall around me. It's a survival mechanism..we each have something as animals for that purpose.

The simple, cold, hard truth is; when I was being laughed at for putting my hand up for reading because no one else ever would and my American accent was mocked in this play, I should have practiced at home, and started my own production or at least pushed and shoved my way into the one taking place at school. I was never invited to that..so what? I should have stalked them daily and taken no for an answer; I SHOULD HAVE DONE AN AUDITION.

Months ago, I passed up on an open audition. I was sure that it would be a night of mockery..back then at school I cared less about that but I did feel worthless. Now, I don't but I seem to care more about protecting myself. Like, I don't need that bullshit. Well you know what, that's not the kind of attitude that makes a winner. It makes someone who has a recurring vision she's just going to get to 80 and be locked up in her room watching some American movie and wishing and dreaming all over again.

So I'm going to have to go out of my way, out of all my zones, I'm NEVER comfortable outside so a comfort zone doesn't even exist, I'm going to have to take no for answer. Do I have talent though? I don't know ..but I can TRY and see what happens. I'd like to know also what I am up against. Sometimes, it takes practice and sometimes no amount of practice is good enough, maybe I'm as rubbish in acting as I was told I was in singing. And all those comments on me, about me, all the glares, stares, bullshit, I'm not the WORST..I'm quite in the middle in most things but I'm going to allow less time where I'm shellshocked by the comments and force myself to say something back. I laugh but I have to SAY.

I think that's why it annoys me when people say..oh yes Thursdays child, has a long way to go. That's true for you. You will have to work harder. WOW LIKE I DON'T KNOW ALREADY.

Just the constant staring at me right between my eyes, putting me down in other ways, not treating me right, as if I lack something, so what if I do- I made it so far, I'm doing okay, I'm an okay person..I just have potential I need to explore fully, if I'm on the boat, I need to push myself because clearly my instructor thought I should just sit and smile and decided to give up on me. So, I have weaknesses?

And another thing that annoys me is when people label each other. Me- I'm the writer. Why because I write some Erotica as a hobby? It's not that much of a passion of mine, it's a need, see the difference!

My passion ..I don't even know fully, the cold, hard truth is I want to find out. And that high sloped road frightens me inside, I feel cold. But it's not an enthusiasm I have anymore, it's a need to do something before I die inside completely.