And the weather is all over the place. I shouldn't speak to soon as you know what may start falling. No, the other one, the colder one. Today, I had a wardrobe clear out, a proper I know what I want one because it would be nice to not have to wear a coat 9 months out of 12. I hate covering up, it's so boring and being 5ft 2, layering with thinner jackets and long cardigans makes me look homeless. (I have tried). And there's not that many petite jackets which aren't fancy and casual enough that you can wear day to day when you walk through a park or places that don't have shopping malls basically.
The past 6 months, I've tried all sorts of different styles and footwear. The advantage I now have is knowledge and that I have tried, though it's been mostly a case of miss.
Also, footwear is such a chore! I mean the great, fun heels are too high, can not wear those as romantic as they look because I like to walk, and I've just been shopping for those gladiator sandals because actually they happen to jazz up my outfits no matter what colour the sandal, they make skinny jeans and dresses look sexy, which I never thought I could look, but sexy feet is at least something I can achieve. But I tried on several of these gladiator sandals and the ones that have some heel and don't look too gold like I'm that famous athlete who had the specially made for him gold shoes, are too big around the ankles and actual feet..which is not a bad ego boost but sometimes I wish I could put on weight because there are SO MUCH GOOD STUFF, not just footwear, which I need more flesh to get into and it limits the shit out of me.
Trivial complaints aside and your wanting to slap me aside, I am still determined to hold out for that pair of knee length shorts in black only, and I'm going to stick with the plain black gladiator sandals that will fit like a treat on me (I have the silver pair and they are PERFECT) but you know when you've spent all your energy buying the wrong thing, and then you have to start over again....
Today was nice, it's Mother's Day tomorrow. Well, it was an okay day. I still don't know why people are snobby towards me, had one about 17 yrs girl look at me the entire time I was eating, and then when I passed in front of her later, gave me a look and barged in front of me with someone I assume was her mother who did not even apologise for going past at such a speed with a pram/trolley. I thought basic human manners applied to everyone..not just the slinky blonde women..whom one man was so fixated with, he just kept on pushing into me as though I was not there whilst we were queing. I have tried staring at these people but it's not worth it. The one time I said something, it was a total disaster, my words came out okay and I was polite but firm but I suppose the look people in the eye, keep your head up and make the best of what you have stuff is something that is false..for me and probably for other people too. It's not like I expect anything less or more because honestly I am so used to it now, it's a good day when I don't get a teen look at me and say to his friend mockingly your future wife, which happened again today, and I'm not delusional, it was mockingly. I don't get what is so wrong about me..I know I don't fit any stereotype, I'm Indian but don't have the big eyes, I have fair skin but don't wear a headress, I'm petite but I'm rounded too and I have short black hair..but seriously, it's me they target and I'm done with having proof, I just don't know if I will ever be able to go out and just be. And going out at night, I keep avoiding that, whilst I'm curious in having a night life, I've been in situations where others have gone out of their way it's comical to avoid even looking in my direction/ mocked, and this has been over the past 6/7 years. Whereas before when I didn't wear make up, I wore trainers, baggy clothing, I wasn't treated with disdain at least, I felt safe to go out..and I just wonder if 9/11 has not got a little or perhaps more than one cares to admit to do with that? Part of me says to anyone changing their lifestyle, losing the weight, having a makeover and changeover, I envy your freedom and your attractiveness. By that I mean something deeper than what that may come across as, something I am too tired, been a long day, to explain right now.
But what can I do? I can't pack it all in, I can't cry because this has been happening every time I go out in the day for the past almost decade and my sexuality is suffering and what about me? I guess I must just be so low on the status and food chain crap. But, I'm still me, I still have the same wants and needs. I had a dream which I blogged about and that still means a lot to me, I think I had it because it meant a lot to me; not that someone, but who I am..that's what meant so much, someone who as a human being deserves the respect AND attention given to those women and men who are valued so much, well they tend to have an easier time daily at least, don't they. It comes down to potential as a human; that my potential and human-ness or humanity is being undermined by others.
Okay so yesterday on facebook of all things, there was a mini drama. I don't have much to say about that because I'm glad to not be that person's friend anymore and it feels like a burden has been lifted, maybe not a burden but I feel lighter and happier now they are not my friend anymore. Their action, not mine.
There are great friends who always tell me, we will disagree and I say that to them too but we can respect each others differences and they see you as a person and not a tool to be used. Those are the people worth a friendship and I believe NOW in choosing who you friend carefully. It's not about taking and needing from that person, it never was for me anyway, it's about an unconditonal relationship. And that's what I want from life, to be given what I give in a positive way. I really think something has gone wrong.
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