There's two sides to pain.

Wow, well just in one simple re posting of a message, I got into a past experience which made me actually want to slit my wrists. I'm not glamourising or using it as a throwaway phrase, I mean really, I got that feeling of complete hopelessness in myself and self hatred. Normally I feel hatred for those bastards and bitches, come on anyone who bullies someone IS a bastard or bitch, but this message made me feel it for myself.

And one thing I wanted to post about that on here, was something a relative said to me; to let go. I know they were bullied too but were they constantly in every class called on, made rude noises on, animal noises, toilet flushing sounds, called most of the every single names you can think of, broken off from new friendships, laughed at by other females, left to lie in pain? THEY were actually popular and their experiences were true to the cliche of jealousy. I was unpopular and inferior- seen that way and sure as hell treated that way. Well, I've changed my appearance and I still get shit which is their problem and preoccupation with perfection and trend of course.

My experience was intense and I'm going to keep talking about, in a way it was the keeping it in that made me say things and do things that I regret and have me two different sides because one was hush hush and my dirty little side. Especially when I still have people now reenact my time at school, it's for the sake of my sanity that I write about it endlessly and don't let go.

ANYWAY, there's two sides to pain; don't do anything/do something. The latter can be acted out in a negative way as well as positive. Whilst I go through the bad feelings, I have to be more determined to make sure I push myself to go after the good stuff too. You have to push yourself. Some people more than others, sometimes because they have daily life a little more hopeless than yourself. It's to do with making a life for yourself that will make you happy even though you still have the bad stuff going on.

Some people's past stays there, for others they can't control how it comes back or when or the fact it never went away. It's recurring, like a nightmare, except this is not dream world, it's a reality, so we can do something to make sure it's not that bad. Whatever it takes not to survive but to live. Writing this, I am processing my thoughts, moving on from the bad thoughts, or lessening their power and burden, I'm thinking about my day tomorrow, making plans and I'll look at more jobs now.

The pain doesn't win.