but problems stem from them and I have to talk about on here because when I do with them, we never make any progress. One is so set their ways and the other is so anti conflict and wants to keep the peace, they snap at people but they stand in the way. Part of it with everyone is an ego thing. I obviously have one too but my experiences have made me lose that I think, compared to them.
I may as well get straight to the point. One person ruined our morning. Their shouting and their impatience doesn't help me who wakes up at 7 regardless of what time I sleep and despite their shouting being the loudest, lack of communication makes things worse. The problem is that whilst the non conflict person is an angel to the outside world unintentionally, I am not. Even when I was young, it was don't give ....a hard time. And outside, people are always civil to shouter and it's because they turn on the charm. I don't but I smile a lot, that does nothing for other people's repulsion to me. Never mind being misunderstood, understatement, by outside, I'm misunderstood, again understatement, inside as well.
I had an operation whe I was young and since then have been left with a long faintish scar down my body. I'm am completely cool with it and if someone stares, I don't give a shit because if boob jobs, botox and hair extensions are okay, then so is a strange bit of skin on skin and at least I'm not a fake. Anyway, shouter insists I cover it up which means I can't wear low cut tops. No vest tops. No pretty lace tops. My wardrobe consists of t shirts and practical although pretty tops. That's not me. So not only have I got this image of a good girl which I hate because that's not who I am inside, not because I am who I am inside to rebel so no easy Freud analysis bullshit thanks, I have one of those faces that gets to people anyway. It's like fuck off and leave me alone. But they won't, so I have to deal with that. Where in myself do I find the capacity to deal with shouter and HER bullshit..which gets to the others? It's not about fair, I mean fair went out the window 20 years ago or whatever, when it comes to the world outside and inside, I just don't always have the strength to deal with this. The only time I do, I'm inside and no one is there, so when I'm alone.
I have explained things to people including my family and I have told them off, but they just won't take it on board and I get talked over even when I talk over them talking over me-this is not just my family. The cliche is I don't have a voice, in a lot of senses of the word if that makes sense, I shouldn't exist, and if I do, it should be on their (the other person's) terms. So I feel used like I was blogging a week ago. It's not that everything has come on top of each other and in a few days time I won't be stressed, I'm not stressed because I'm used to all this,all of this, it's the fact I have to blog about it. This is my friend who listens and doesn't interrupt.
Monday, 31 May 2010
Saturday, 29 May 2010
Peversions, Sidibe, Glee and self.
We're the Wuzzles, yeah baby. Aha.
So, I was in one of the great British stores today, sarc, and as with many of these, you have poor women trying to buy something, I say poor because if they're anything like me there comes a time you do need a pair of jeans or some shoes that you can actually walk in and not have a blister plaster on each toe, and you're gonna have to haul ass to the store and look long and hard to find such things. Lunches will be missed and toilet trips lessened. There's so many men, the majority who from the ages of 20 to 80 do nothing but gawp at young women whilst their wives come from the changing room not long later. The young women of their attention are mostly tanned, tall, and that whole perky, lithe youth mixed with some high maintenance, as a woman I know what goes into another woman, I'm surprised at the way men can't see make up on another woman to the extent we can, it doesn't take a genius, it's not the sun nor morning dew. A part of me looks at the woman of their attention, ready with a phone sex script in mind, and the rest feels bad for their wives. It's disrespectful and cruel. I know, I know, we're really animals blah blah blah, we look at stuff we find attractive blah blah blah, pretty things, blah blah blah and I know women ogle too but as someone who people watches, I've seen mostly these men do it. Sigh. SAD.
I have to wonder are they perverted or not really so? Are they just keeping in touch with their sexuality or do they need to look at someone a lot younger than them to get in touch with their sexuality?
It made me think of myself. I don't want to be the woman who comes out the changing room. Even if I don't know my husband's looked at a much younger woman, a woman young enough to be his daughter, it's not the age difference thing it's the fact it's a young woman. Fidelity is a seperate issue.
I read a message from a friend and got thinking about love and sexuality. Well, actually more love and me. Sexuality is a big part of who I am and I think I'd rather just be around me and that, than linked to someone else. It's not that I can't trust, now that I've thought about it, it's that I'm not used to being treated very nice by men who prefer showy females, and I'm always getting in their path for some reason, they won't leave me alone.
ANYWAY, Glee has made me quite confident. It really is about the old cliche of being yourself and not being afraid or repulsed by it no matter if other's are. It helped me today at a restaurant.
I also as a last note just wanted to say that Gabourey Sidibe rocks so much. She is seriously so funny, hitting on all these actors and just saying oh I hit on him for a full 8 minutes. LOL. My kind of woman, really going for it. People can say their bullshit about her, about Glee, delusions, whatever, I've heard the chestnuts, you don't know how someone ELSE feels.
So, I was in one of the great British stores today, sarc, and as with many of these, you have poor women trying to buy something, I say poor because if they're anything like me there comes a time you do need a pair of jeans or some shoes that you can actually walk in and not have a blister plaster on each toe, and you're gonna have to haul ass to the store and look long and hard to find such things. Lunches will be missed and toilet trips lessened. There's so many men, the majority who from the ages of 20 to 80 do nothing but gawp at young women whilst their wives come from the changing room not long later. The young women of their attention are mostly tanned, tall, and that whole perky, lithe youth mixed with some high maintenance, as a woman I know what goes into another woman, I'm surprised at the way men can't see make up on another woman to the extent we can, it doesn't take a genius, it's not the sun nor morning dew. A part of me looks at the woman of their attention, ready with a phone sex script in mind, and the rest feels bad for their wives. It's disrespectful and cruel. I know, I know, we're really animals blah blah blah, we look at stuff we find attractive blah blah blah, pretty things, blah blah blah and I know women ogle too but as someone who people watches, I've seen mostly these men do it. Sigh. SAD.
I have to wonder are they perverted or not really so? Are they just keeping in touch with their sexuality or do they need to look at someone a lot younger than them to get in touch with their sexuality?
It made me think of myself. I don't want to be the woman who comes out the changing room. Even if I don't know my husband's looked at a much younger woman, a woman young enough to be his daughter, it's not the age difference thing it's the fact it's a young woman. Fidelity is a seperate issue.
I read a message from a friend and got thinking about love and sexuality. Well, actually more love and me. Sexuality is a big part of who I am and I think I'd rather just be around me and that, than linked to someone else. It's not that I can't trust, now that I've thought about it, it's that I'm not used to being treated very nice by men who prefer showy females, and I'm always getting in their path for some reason, they won't leave me alone.
ANYWAY, Glee has made me quite confident. It really is about the old cliche of being yourself and not being afraid or repulsed by it no matter if other's are. It helped me today at a restaurant.
I also as a last note just wanted to say that Gabourey Sidibe rocks so much. She is seriously so funny, hitting on all these actors and just saying oh I hit on him for a full 8 minutes. LOL. My kind of woman, really going for it. People can say their bullshit about her, about Glee, delusions, whatever, I've heard the chestnuts, you don't know how someone ELSE feels.
Thursday, 27 May 2010
I'm not mocking beauty, I just want to be free, know what I mean?
"I saw this woman with a haggard old face and she skipped over the puddles of rain and laughed like she was five." I just came out with that crap. But it sounds like something a male in the mob majority would say or a woman without compassion and warmth. Warmth that isn't just reserved for the hot stuff referring to both people and objects in society.
I always go back to that time when I was 4, just wishing I were male, not in a I'm having an op way, but in a they have so much freedom when it comes to certain things that must surely rock way. I'm not saying they don't have appearance issues but beauty is more linked to femininity and women. God, have you ever even heard beauty not linked to femininity? A woman without beauty must surely not be feminine according to some.
I was reading a friends's blog post and I have some answers to her questions. These answers are mine, they apply to me,this is what I see when I see me. I'm not mocking beauty, I just want to be free, know what I mean? I don't want to hear anything of the you're beautiful or you don't have any problems or you have one problem, here cover it up. I don't want to hear any of that. If you don't get this blog post, you don't deserve to know me, quite frankly.
"Look at the reflection in the mirror. What do you see?"
What's even my true image anymore? Mirrors vary so much. But I see sometimes big, sometimes small dark eyes, sad even when I'm happy. They're just shaped like that, of course according to society I must have sadness inside. Society knows you more than you, remember kids! I do hope the sarcasm translates.
"Do you see yourself or just your image?"
I've started to see me. I look in my eyes, at them, more.
"Do you see who you are or what you portray?"
More who I am, nowadays.
"What do you see when you look in those eyes? Do you see truth and beauty or ugliness and lies? Is that a sparkle or just tears waiting to fall?"
I see truth. Just truth, they're honest eyes. Shaped like I don't always feel but inside when you REALLY look, they're honest.
"Do you love this person? Really love them? Would you give up everything and anything so they could be happy?"
Yes.
"Would you be friends with them?"
Yes though sometimes the hate that comes from others comes from me to me. I don't give them that power much anymore.
"Are you holding the mirror up for yourself or is someone holding it for you?"
BLOODY GOOD QUESTION!
"Are you being forced to see the truth so you can honestly change and make a difference? Or is someone cramming it down your throat and trying to mold you into what they want?"
Yes they do try, they will NEVER succeed though. I wanted to look like a french girl when I was young, all earthy looking, but I hear earthy takes hair straightners too.
"When you look in that mirror, do you see what others see or do you see your perception of what you think you’re seeing? Can you look into the reflection’s eyes and honestly say, “I love you.” and know you actually mean it? Do you see someone you wish didn’t exist? Do you want to cause harm or only love this person? Do you want to take them in your arms and tell them everything will be alright? Or do you just not care what happens? Put them out of their misery! Or do you see and feel everything .."
This is all kind of new to me, I haven't thought about it that much, I can walk around naked but looking in the mirror, really looking, and asking all of the above, I can so far, no I can't honestly say I love you..just yet because I'm only half a person at this point in my life, so MUCH i need to get out of me, I don't want to harm myself, I think everything won't be alright but I'l take me into my arms any day of the week, I love myself, I just don't lust myself, I don't want to kill myself though I have sometimes been on that brink in the past. I think i DO care. Gosh, excellent post Liz, I just haven't thought about this all to yet, because no matter how comfortable I am with myself, I just don't want to look at myself in the mirror to this extent, now the reason for that isn't too obvious because if it were I'd blog it.
I always go back to that time when I was 4, just wishing I were male, not in a I'm having an op way, but in a they have so much freedom when it comes to certain things that must surely rock way. I'm not saying they don't have appearance issues but beauty is more linked to femininity and women. God, have you ever even heard beauty not linked to femininity? A woman without beauty must surely not be feminine according to some.
I was reading a friends's blog post and I have some answers to her questions. These answers are mine, they apply to me,this is what I see when I see me. I'm not mocking beauty, I just want to be free, know what I mean? I don't want to hear anything of the you're beautiful or you don't have any problems or you have one problem, here cover it up. I don't want to hear any of that. If you don't get this blog post, you don't deserve to know me, quite frankly.
"Look at the reflection in the mirror. What do you see?"
What's even my true image anymore? Mirrors vary so much. But I see sometimes big, sometimes small dark eyes, sad even when I'm happy. They're just shaped like that, of course according to society I must have sadness inside. Society knows you more than you, remember kids! I do hope the sarcasm translates.
"Do you see yourself or just your image?"
I've started to see me. I look in my eyes, at them, more.
"Do you see who you are or what you portray?"
More who I am, nowadays.
"What do you see when you look in those eyes? Do you see truth and beauty or ugliness and lies? Is that a sparkle or just tears waiting to fall?"
I see truth. Just truth, they're honest eyes. Shaped like I don't always feel but inside when you REALLY look, they're honest.
"Do you love this person? Really love them? Would you give up everything and anything so they could be happy?"
Yes.
"Would you be friends with them?"
Yes though sometimes the hate that comes from others comes from me to me. I don't give them that power much anymore.
"Are you holding the mirror up for yourself or is someone holding it for you?"
BLOODY GOOD QUESTION!
"Are you being forced to see the truth so you can honestly change and make a difference? Or is someone cramming it down your throat and trying to mold you into what they want?"
Yes they do try, they will NEVER succeed though. I wanted to look like a french girl when I was young, all earthy looking, but I hear earthy takes hair straightners too.
"When you look in that mirror, do you see what others see or do you see your perception of what you think you’re seeing? Can you look into the reflection’s eyes and honestly say, “I love you.” and know you actually mean it? Do you see someone you wish didn’t exist? Do you want to cause harm or only love this person? Do you want to take them in your arms and tell them everything will be alright? Or do you just not care what happens? Put them out of their misery! Or do you see and feel everything .."
This is all kind of new to me, I haven't thought about it that much, I can walk around naked but looking in the mirror, really looking, and asking all of the above, I can so far, no I can't honestly say I love you..just yet because I'm only half a person at this point in my life, so MUCH i need to get out of me, I don't want to harm myself, I think everything won't be alright but I'l take me into my arms any day of the week, I love myself, I just don't lust myself, I don't want to kill myself though I have sometimes been on that brink in the past. I think i DO care. Gosh, excellent post Liz, I just haven't thought about this all to yet, because no matter how comfortable I am with myself, I just don't want to look at myself in the mirror to this extent, now the reason for that isn't too obvious because if it were I'd blog it.
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Ever feel like you've been used?
I woke up today and I guess the sun really makes the morons come out, but it wasn't just a couple of bad experiences, it was early this morning after sleeping, when I didn't feel good. I know everyone has their obstacles but you shouldn't have to have them just on a trip out, I feel used by a lot of people. I have to be frank, I feel used by my parents too. I had to stop crying with the bad feelings I had this morning, knowing that now my sleep was ruined, but what stopped is the simple fact tears won't change a thing in my situation. I want to be able to move forward with this but at the same time I need closure too. Lack of it makes you feel restless and there's nothing you can do when you feel that way.
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
To quote Ellen Page, "Stop. Just stop."
So I'm watching this movie which I KNEW would be blah and argh! Baby talk behind, it's called Queen Sized and it stars Nikki Blonsky (star of the new Hairspray) as a girl who's not just a loser or geek at her school but as she says, the fat girl and that losers or geeks get ignored, she however gets looked at and people make up their minds then and there, she's of no worth.
You can see why that would be argh for me. I know what that's like. For me, it was about everything, the weight wasn't the highest, the height wasn't the shortest, skin wasn't the brownest, it was a combination of these things and my school clothes as well as other clothes. Like nothing was right, and even now, outside cyberspace, I can't do anything right in the eyes of others. I do get sneaky glances at my shoes though, one pair is showy and it goes to show how high people's standards are. But then the person with the average wage is making themselves look like a Cheryl Cole, or a WAG. Dark skin and light brown hair makes them the queens of society. Yes more like the queens, if you know what I mean, drama, drama, drama.
I stopped caring about their drama. It's still going to affect you, after all I'm human and I'm sensitive but I'm not hurting over them and I have a good opinion about myself. Once upon a time I would be in tears watching Queen Sized, today I can at least watch it.
So Nikki's character actually accidentally gets in the running for Home Coming Queen and it's accidentally because these girls who are always picking on her and making her daily life HELL, take a photo of her of course whilst she's trying to get some chow, what the fuck girl has to eat, bloody hell, and they over hear her talking to her friend about Home Coming Queen.
It's the small things in this movie that got to me to some extent. I mean, there are these girls and women who pick on you and they're not outcasts in society whom will also pick on you, it's all so absurd and doesn't make sense. So anyone saying it's jealousy has it wrong, these people just WANT to ruin someone's life. I believe they may have human envy and they just can't see anyone else who doesn't fit into their boxes. But a word for them regardless of their bullshit; intolerant. They're like racists. They MAY have insecurities in the general sense and also that you have something they find in themselves, but I'm sick of this jealousy crap, the fact is they just want to make your life hell. So, you need to rise above them not because of "jealousy" or "insecurity," but because you don't go to war with someone. I've learned that, just break free, just go away or keep them at distance as much as they claw onto you like the wicked bitch of the east, west, north and south, you just be the adult one here. Forget revenge, I'm sorry but life is too short for that. I don't want to be enemies with someone who's not even worthy to be my enemy. If I repulse someone, or annoy someone or affect someone in any way, that's THEIR issue.
You ever watch that movie Napoleon Dynamite? This guy always pushes him hard into a locker and it's fucking physical abuse never mind the comedy but my God, he could break his bones, but Napoleon doesn't get his own back, what he does is achieve things. He's focused. You can be as focused as you try but someone is always going to try and bring you down in whatever way. What they should be teaching us in these little crappy 5 minute talks they're calling counselling sessions in some schools, is that school is a bubble but so is any work environment and bullies are everywhere. They should be telling you how to be strong and why you need to be. I can say after 25 years, only now can I say this, you need to be strong because that is the only way you can achieve anything.
So the small things in Queen Sized are when it wasn't some bitchy queen picking on Nikki's character, it's a boy who will moo at her because he's has a phallus on his face and then has the gall to be with his friend as he asks Nikki's friend out and then gives Nikki's character such a look when not even that she may be coming to the party too, but when it's like a second of a question that hasn't even been fully formed. In those seconds, it's ignoring, it's no respect, it's worthlessness, it's ridicule, humilation and also unecessary and devoid of any humanity. I don't care how much you want to get laid, this extreme behaviour to me. Yet it exists. I know people are like that in school, it's NOT exaggerated.
Stop, just STOP with the neat little tie ups and the boxes, don't live your life according to cliche, and forget that someone who looks at someone else who never hurt them as though they're worthless is worthless themselves, just live your life period. Walk on by, hold your head high and if you want to become homecoming queen, I don't see it as saying that's a goal, I see it as an experience. It's not about saying the popular kids and little cheerleaders have it better than you, it's about just doing something because why the heck not?!
Alright, I'm going back to my movie. If the fault with the link is repaired, you can expect to hear more from me about it.
I've been there, I've said okay no eating, starving myself, enjoying the pain I got from that and feeling so, so guilty should a slice of weight watchers pizza cross my lips even if I've worked out like a maniac, WHY? To silence or impress others? Are you kidding? I can't ever do that, it's either too big or too small with me. That's okay. I find saying whatever, man actually pretty damned accurate to how I feel. I was born short limbed, round faced and soft, small waisted clearly that is intolerable on me and clearly the waist is never noticed but when some JLo has an ass, how silly of me, that's sexy. It's all about those neat little boxes, she's tan, she's "fit", "hot" so the ass meat is okay on her. How fabulously demented this society we occupy is and notice how things are taken so negatively. I think for example she has this, but they think she, as in I, don't have this. (By the way I don't care about it's all in your head responses, KNOW me, READ my blog). If someone is compared to someone they portray on screen, people will latch on to the negativity. She's compared to a drama queen, so she is one, not that the drama queen happens to be passionate, oh no she's JUST a drama queen. Little boxes, pretty, neat little boxes. Passion confused with anger, matter of fact confused with insult.
I don't want adulation, I just want to be left the FUCK alone. But I won't and there will always be my favourite specimen of fellow Indian girl who will just have a big problem with me, watching me like this one was today with her male in whatever sense companion and it's like wow hostile, claustrophobic, but what exactly did she gain out of that? To me? No skin of my nose, I'll blog about it and I'm done thinking about it, but she got a minute joy and or misery from me? How ridiculous she is. To make someone into something like that, and if you look at someone you don't even know for that amount of time makes you as ridiculous as the funkiest smelling shit. I repeat, passion confused with anger, matter of fact confused with insult. There's "people watching" as the term goes and then there's intolerance.
So my truth maybe be different to what you go through but don't solve a negative with a negative, just LIVE. You have to try and just get on with life and be inspired and have love, you know, I'm going to bring up a baby, not because I want the husband and the children and the home, but because even with my people fear which is understandable, I'm maternal, funny the bullies didn't really ruin my life, because THAT hasn't changed.
You can see why that would be argh for me. I know what that's like. For me, it was about everything, the weight wasn't the highest, the height wasn't the shortest, skin wasn't the brownest, it was a combination of these things and my school clothes as well as other clothes. Like nothing was right, and even now, outside cyberspace, I can't do anything right in the eyes of others. I do get sneaky glances at my shoes though, one pair is showy and it goes to show how high people's standards are. But then the person with the average wage is making themselves look like a Cheryl Cole, or a WAG. Dark skin and light brown hair makes them the queens of society. Yes more like the queens, if you know what I mean, drama, drama, drama.
I stopped caring about their drama. It's still going to affect you, after all I'm human and I'm sensitive but I'm not hurting over them and I have a good opinion about myself. Once upon a time I would be in tears watching Queen Sized, today I can at least watch it.
So Nikki's character actually accidentally gets in the running for Home Coming Queen and it's accidentally because these girls who are always picking on her and making her daily life HELL, take a photo of her of course whilst she's trying to get some chow, what the fuck girl has to eat, bloody hell, and they over hear her talking to her friend about Home Coming Queen.
It's the small things in this movie that got to me to some extent. I mean, there are these girls and women who pick on you and they're not outcasts in society whom will also pick on you, it's all so absurd and doesn't make sense. So anyone saying it's jealousy has it wrong, these people just WANT to ruin someone's life. I believe they may have human envy and they just can't see anyone else who doesn't fit into their boxes. But a word for them regardless of their bullshit; intolerant. They're like racists. They MAY have insecurities in the general sense and also that you have something they find in themselves, but I'm sick of this jealousy crap, the fact is they just want to make your life hell. So, you need to rise above them not because of "jealousy" or "insecurity," but because you don't go to war with someone. I've learned that, just break free, just go away or keep them at distance as much as they claw onto you like the wicked bitch of the east, west, north and south, you just be the adult one here. Forget revenge, I'm sorry but life is too short for that. I don't want to be enemies with someone who's not even worthy to be my enemy. If I repulse someone, or annoy someone or affect someone in any way, that's THEIR issue.
You ever watch that movie Napoleon Dynamite? This guy always pushes him hard into a locker and it's fucking physical abuse never mind the comedy but my God, he could break his bones, but Napoleon doesn't get his own back, what he does is achieve things. He's focused. You can be as focused as you try but someone is always going to try and bring you down in whatever way. What they should be teaching us in these little crappy 5 minute talks they're calling counselling sessions in some schools, is that school is a bubble but so is any work environment and bullies are everywhere. They should be telling you how to be strong and why you need to be. I can say after 25 years, only now can I say this, you need to be strong because that is the only way you can achieve anything.
So the small things in Queen Sized are when it wasn't some bitchy queen picking on Nikki's character, it's a boy who will moo at her because he's has a phallus on his face and then has the gall to be with his friend as he asks Nikki's friend out and then gives Nikki's character such a look when not even that she may be coming to the party too, but when it's like a second of a question that hasn't even been fully formed. In those seconds, it's ignoring, it's no respect, it's worthlessness, it's ridicule, humilation and also unecessary and devoid of any humanity. I don't care how much you want to get laid, this extreme behaviour to me. Yet it exists. I know people are like that in school, it's NOT exaggerated.
Stop, just STOP with the neat little tie ups and the boxes, don't live your life according to cliche, and forget that someone who looks at someone else who never hurt them as though they're worthless is worthless themselves, just live your life period. Walk on by, hold your head high and if you want to become homecoming queen, I don't see it as saying that's a goal, I see it as an experience. It's not about saying the popular kids and little cheerleaders have it better than you, it's about just doing something because why the heck not?!
Alright, I'm going back to my movie. If the fault with the link is repaired, you can expect to hear more from me about it.
I've been there, I've said okay no eating, starving myself, enjoying the pain I got from that and feeling so, so guilty should a slice of weight watchers pizza cross my lips even if I've worked out like a maniac, WHY? To silence or impress others? Are you kidding? I can't ever do that, it's either too big or too small with me. That's okay. I find saying whatever, man actually pretty damned accurate to how I feel. I was born short limbed, round faced and soft, small waisted clearly that is intolerable on me and clearly the waist is never noticed but when some JLo has an ass, how silly of me, that's sexy. It's all about those neat little boxes, she's tan, she's "fit", "hot" so the ass meat is okay on her. How fabulously demented this society we occupy is and notice how things are taken so negatively. I think for example she has this, but they think she, as in I, don't have this. (By the way I don't care about it's all in your head responses, KNOW me, READ my blog). If someone is compared to someone they portray on screen, people will latch on to the negativity. She's compared to a drama queen, so she is one, not that the drama queen happens to be passionate, oh no she's JUST a drama queen. Little boxes, pretty, neat little boxes. Passion confused with anger, matter of fact confused with insult.
I don't want adulation, I just want to be left the FUCK alone. But I won't and there will always be my favourite specimen of fellow Indian girl who will just have a big problem with me, watching me like this one was today with her male in whatever sense companion and it's like wow hostile, claustrophobic, but what exactly did she gain out of that? To me? No skin of my nose, I'll blog about it and I'm done thinking about it, but she got a minute joy and or misery from me? How ridiculous she is. To make someone into something like that, and if you look at someone you don't even know for that amount of time makes you as ridiculous as the funkiest smelling shit. I repeat, passion confused with anger, matter of fact confused with insult. There's "people watching" as the term goes and then there's intolerance.
So my truth maybe be different to what you go through but don't solve a negative with a negative, just LIVE. You have to try and just get on with life and be inspired and have love, you know, I'm going to bring up a baby, not because I want the husband and the children and the home, but because even with my people fear which is understandable, I'm maternal, funny the bullies didn't really ruin my life, because THAT hasn't changed.
Just a quickie.
I deplore people who make a sexual innuendo out of anything..honestly..*sigh*
*does Todd- Scrubs shrug*
A conclusion has been drawn, a dawning has occured. The world is bat shit crazy. I'm bat shit crazy but I'm not hostile.
Those two sentences need no more explanation or further conclusions, other than it's better to enjoy life and draw the hearts and smiles, be a happy loser!
*does Todd- Scrubs shrug*
A conclusion has been drawn, a dawning has occured. The world is bat shit crazy. I'm bat shit crazy but I'm not hostile.
Those two sentences need no more explanation or further conclusions, other than it's better to enjoy life and draw the hearts and smiles, be a happy loser!
Sunday, 16 May 2010
I read this on msn.
I have something to say about it so for each reason, I've typed what I have to say.
32 surprising reasons men call it quits
By Jane Hoskyn
“It’s easier for girls,” so the saying goes – because it’s supposedly much easier to catch and keep a man than it is to pull a woman. Oh yeah? Tell that to the woman who’s just been dumped on the grounds that she has a strange toenail, or because she bought a pink phone.
The truth is that men are far pickier than their reputation suggests. The gents themselves often don’t even know what turns them off a girl who, just a fortnight before, could seem to do no wrong.
We asked a group of men to explain why they’d given their girls the elbow, and here’s what they told us. Fasten your seatbelts, ladies.
1. “I was on the phone to a girl I’d been seeing for a few weeks. We got into a disagreement about something trivial, and she hung up on me. I was furious – it was like she’d hit me in the face. I never rang her again.”
You don't need bullshit in your life, I understand, things are hectic enough but if you had any feelings for her, whether of love or not, as a human being wouldn't you have called her or left a message saying that whilst you disagreed on the topic, you just wanted to clear the air a little between you two whether she wants to speak to you again or not? It's not about chivalry, it's about being the adult and that doesn't mean scoring points, it means being some kind of evolved human being.
2. “She always wore foundation on her face, including first thing in the morning. Her skin was fine underneath it – a couple of spots but nothing major. But she had this compulsion to wear foundation. It was massively unsexy.”
I think men don't understand women and make up. It is possible she may have skin issues, even if just a few spots as you so kindly specify. She may have appearance issues or she may just want to look her best. It may not be her best according to you, but if it makes her get on with her life, feel okay with herself, then I seriously wonder that you would have to dump her for this. Feeling comfortable in one's skin doesn't necessarily mean keeping it bare and it could just be that her make up routine is like her tooth brushing routine. If she wears it all day when only you both are at home and she knows you both are at home all day, then she has issues, so why not get some humanity and be there for her? No one is perfect, do you just want perfection? Maybe you have issues that need to be dealt with too.
3. “I cooked her a curry one night and she only ate a tiny bit because she was on a diet. Dumped.”
Diets, diets, diets. Sometimes they work sometimes they don't. Sometimes a woman wants to improve herself for no other reason than for improving herself. That in itself doesn't make her an obsessive control freak. Sometimes there might be other reasons involved and she may have obsessive or control issues.
She at a tiny bit of your curry, she didn't refuse it altogether. Maybe it took some persuading on your part. Maybe you're a terrible cook. Maybe she lied a little or all together about the diet thing. I once read a quote, that went a little like this, I'm not really into that but if you are, I'd be willing to try it for you. That's what lovers do.
Was this the final straw in your relationship?
Is your ego so big?
4. “She had actual conversations with her cat while I was there.”
She loves her cat. She may be crazy. She may just be an animated person or have a level of comfort around something or and someone and she let her barriers down.
5. “I dumped my ex as soon as she started acting like more of a lad than I did. I’ve nothing against swearing as such, but it’s not nice if a girl swears all the time. It made her seem thick.”
A question I've been wanting to ask, why didn't you talk to her about it? Maybe she had a motive or maybe she wants to seem thick or is, it may not be part of an act or it may just be her letting her hair down.
And maybe this could have been the ticket to a good old fashioned spanking?
6. “I had to do all the talking on our dates. Maybe she thought that she was doing herself a favour by keeping her mouth shut, but I prefer women to talk too much than too little. I don’t want to do all the work.”
This I can understand. What was her body language and her eye contact like? Did she loosen up a little? Sometimes asking her would have been too much hard work or there just was no spark? This is different to already being in a relationship.
7. “She kept failing her driving test and I was fed up being her chauffeur.”
Was she using you? Or taking advantage of this side? Differentiate between the two, think about what you two had.
8. “She slept in a night dress.”
This must mean she is the devil incarnate.
9. “When I first met her she was wearing a fairly loose T-shirt and she looked great, but once we started seeing each other she was always in figure-hugging clothes. I’m not a chauvinist – a woman can wear what she likes – but I don’t find tight clothes at all attractive.”
Are you gay? Okay seriously, maybe it was her way of not impressing you per se but just being feminine or her version of feminine around you. She was making an effort, if you didn't like it, did you see the effect it had on her? Did you notice a change in her behaviour or was she still the same? IS communication completely dead? Were you jealous when she wore the tight clothing, did she get looks from other men?
10. “She ironed my boxer shorts.”
Well maybe they needed ironing after the times she had to wash them to get your skid marks out. Or maybe she was doing something nice or had neat issues. You can still love someone with issues, or can you?
11. “About two weeks after we moved in together she started wearing jogging bottoms around the house. The second she got in from work, on they went. She actually looked quite sexy, but I didn’t like what it meant – it was way too cosy.”
It looks to me that her work clothes were too binding. Sometimes putting on a pair of pajamas is just like taking your shoes off in the house. You moved in together and you're complaining about cosy? I'd shove those pajamas right up your
12. “She cut her beautiful hair short.”
And so you weren't attracted to her anymore? I can understand that you may have to work hard to be attracted to her even though it's not like her nose and eyes swapped sides. Sometimes one has to evolve past their romantic notions. It's a little like a woman dreaming of tall dark handsome Prince Charming and not realising she's falling in love with a bald, kind of short man. Love just happens, you know? Or maybe you don't.
Were you in this relationship for the sex only? Even so; maybe you'd have been there when her hair grew out. Seeing something like that can actually be a turn on.
So did you think she looked like a man and that took away her femininity?
Or did you think this haircut threatened your sexuality?
13. “She pointed out that I’d put on weight.”
To be honest, I need to know more about his and I'm on the fence on this one anyway.
14. “My girlfriend stopped keeping any secrets from me. It was like I’d become her best female friend, and she told me everything – things her mum said, period pains, workmate stuff. Too much information for me.”
Did you tell her this before you dumped her?
15. “She was funnier than me.”
You're a degenerate.
16. “She never bought me dinner. At first I wanted to pay for our dates because it made me feel like more of a man, but there comes a point where you want her to stump up too. It never happened.”
Maybe she noticed you felt more of a man? Again, is communication fucking dead nowadays?!
17. “I was on a mate’s stag weekend and got back to find that my girlfriend had re-organised all my DVDs. That was pretty much my sole reason for ending it, and I haven’t regretted it.”
She re organised your DVD's. Movies are a big passion of mine but if someone did this for me, as someone once re organised my wardrobe I can understand the invasion issue, and see when it comes to dvds it could be more about control than just a reorganisation..maybe she was doing something nice, maybe it was more. But they are DVD's
18. “I finished with a girl because she couldn’t go out anywhere without completely over-dressing. Even if we were going round a friend’s house, she had to put on make-up and blow-dry her hair. It must have been really hard work being her.”
I love to blow dry my hair, put on jewellry, lip stick, wear pretty things, I like the glamour, maybe my life will be glamorous, I'm high maintenance but I maintain myself and don't want anyone paying my bills and my partner can wear what he wants. I also have a good head on my shoulders. See where I'm going with this? Maybe your girlfriend had just had this side to her like I do.
19. “My ex was late for absolutely everything. It’s not even like she spent ages getting ready to go out. She just had this mental thing where she wouldn’t leave the house until she was too late to meet me on time. It drove me insane.”
Did she lie, did she really have OCD?
If not, she does sound like a kook who'd drive you insane, okay alright I get it.
20. “Her bed was covered in cuddly toys.”
I can understand this. But some quirks are actually issues or things you just hate or creep you out..I think love is more important and I think you should have worked through this. It's hard, yes..
21. “She slept in this big mound of pillows. If I was staying at her place and I fell asleep without throwing off all the pillows, I’d wake up with neck ache.”
I shared a bed with a snorer, I couldn't sleep, I have insomnia anyway, I also once woke up crying with neck pain. Did I make a rash decision? No. Why did you?
22. “She had a dog and she always smelt a little bit of him.”
She's not perfect.
23. “She told me off for answering my phone at dinner. People around us could hear her moaning at me.”
So you argued and then this ended? I want to know more.
24. “Whenever I wanted to watch a DVD at bedtime and snuggle up together, she’d either fidget or fall asleep.”
So she doesn't have the same interests or interest as you. And you find this rude. Or she was just tired or maybe she wanted sex from you right then and sometimes women don't come on to their boyfriends. I don't know her reason. Did she not listen to you when you talked?
25. “My previous ex had dumped me out of the blue. I was completely over it, but I was worried that my new girlfriend would do the same, so I finished with her first.”
You need help and you may be the cause of her needing help too one day. Bad on your part, no excuses for your behaviour even though we all make mistakes and get scared or plain terrified.
26. “She could never remember anything that happened in films we’d seen together, but she remembered every single incriminating thing I’d said during arguments.”
So she'd throw it back in your face?
Or maybe she's sensitive person?
Or maybe you said really mean stuff during the arguments?
Or the communication between you both was more important to her than a film?
27. “Her feet were always freezing in bed.”
So warm her up. Mine get cold too, a lot of women actually feel freezing on their feet compared to elsewhere and sometimes my fingers are almost ice cold. So I warm them up. No one can ever accuse me of being an ice queen, know what I mean?
28. “She accused me of snoring, so I was always too self-conscious to go to sleep when she was there.”
She should have worked though this with you but maybe she lost sleep herself? I know what that's like all too well. Still, she should have worked through this with you.
29. “She bought a pink phone.”
She is an alien, you are an asshole.
30. “She slurped her tea.”
She is human. Humans fart, burp and vomit. You should go out with an alien. You should have told the tea slurping annoys you and unlike the other human body vices can be helped with control and hard work on her side.
31. “Her mum friended me on Facebook. The only way I could get around the friend request was to dump my girlfriend.”
You have mum issues.
32. “I am chaotically messy and I lived in constant fear that she’d try to tidy up under the bed. I don’t know what’s under there, but whatever it is I didn’t want her finding it.”
Hmm..I didn't want my mum finding my porn. But your girlfriend was not your mum...
32 surprising reasons men call it quits
By Jane Hoskyn
“It’s easier for girls,” so the saying goes – because it’s supposedly much easier to catch and keep a man than it is to pull a woman. Oh yeah? Tell that to the woman who’s just been dumped on the grounds that she has a strange toenail, or because she bought a pink phone.
The truth is that men are far pickier than their reputation suggests. The gents themselves often don’t even know what turns them off a girl who, just a fortnight before, could seem to do no wrong.
We asked a group of men to explain why they’d given their girls the elbow, and here’s what they told us. Fasten your seatbelts, ladies.
1. “I was on the phone to a girl I’d been seeing for a few weeks. We got into a disagreement about something trivial, and she hung up on me. I was furious – it was like she’d hit me in the face. I never rang her again.”
You don't need bullshit in your life, I understand, things are hectic enough but if you had any feelings for her, whether of love or not, as a human being wouldn't you have called her or left a message saying that whilst you disagreed on the topic, you just wanted to clear the air a little between you two whether she wants to speak to you again or not? It's not about chivalry, it's about being the adult and that doesn't mean scoring points, it means being some kind of evolved human being.
2. “She always wore foundation on her face, including first thing in the morning. Her skin was fine underneath it – a couple of spots but nothing major. But she had this compulsion to wear foundation. It was massively unsexy.”
I think men don't understand women and make up. It is possible she may have skin issues, even if just a few spots as you so kindly specify. She may have appearance issues or she may just want to look her best. It may not be her best according to you, but if it makes her get on with her life, feel okay with herself, then I seriously wonder that you would have to dump her for this. Feeling comfortable in one's skin doesn't necessarily mean keeping it bare and it could just be that her make up routine is like her tooth brushing routine. If she wears it all day when only you both are at home and she knows you both are at home all day, then she has issues, so why not get some humanity and be there for her? No one is perfect, do you just want perfection? Maybe you have issues that need to be dealt with too.
3. “I cooked her a curry one night and she only ate a tiny bit because she was on a diet. Dumped.”
Diets, diets, diets. Sometimes they work sometimes they don't. Sometimes a woman wants to improve herself for no other reason than for improving herself. That in itself doesn't make her an obsessive control freak. Sometimes there might be other reasons involved and she may have obsessive or control issues.
She at a tiny bit of your curry, she didn't refuse it altogether. Maybe it took some persuading on your part. Maybe you're a terrible cook. Maybe she lied a little or all together about the diet thing. I once read a quote, that went a little like this, I'm not really into that but if you are, I'd be willing to try it for you. That's what lovers do.
Was this the final straw in your relationship?
Is your ego so big?
4. “She had actual conversations with her cat while I was there.”
She loves her cat. She may be crazy. She may just be an animated person or have a level of comfort around something or and someone and she let her barriers down.
5. “I dumped my ex as soon as she started acting like more of a lad than I did. I’ve nothing against swearing as such, but it’s not nice if a girl swears all the time. It made her seem thick.”
A question I've been wanting to ask, why didn't you talk to her about it? Maybe she had a motive or maybe she wants to seem thick or is, it may not be part of an act or it may just be her letting her hair down.
And maybe this could have been the ticket to a good old fashioned spanking?
6. “I had to do all the talking on our dates. Maybe she thought that she was doing herself a favour by keeping her mouth shut, but I prefer women to talk too much than too little. I don’t want to do all the work.”
This I can understand. What was her body language and her eye contact like? Did she loosen up a little? Sometimes asking her would have been too much hard work or there just was no spark? This is different to already being in a relationship.
7. “She kept failing her driving test and I was fed up being her chauffeur.”
Was she using you? Or taking advantage of this side? Differentiate between the two, think about what you two had.
8. “She slept in a night dress.”
This must mean she is the devil incarnate.
9. “When I first met her she was wearing a fairly loose T-shirt and she looked great, but once we started seeing each other she was always in figure-hugging clothes. I’m not a chauvinist – a woman can wear what she likes – but I don’t find tight clothes at all attractive.”
Are you gay? Okay seriously, maybe it was her way of not impressing you per se but just being feminine or her version of feminine around you. She was making an effort, if you didn't like it, did you see the effect it had on her? Did you notice a change in her behaviour or was she still the same? IS communication completely dead? Were you jealous when she wore the tight clothing, did she get looks from other men?
10. “She ironed my boxer shorts.”
Well maybe they needed ironing after the times she had to wash them to get your skid marks out. Or maybe she was doing something nice or had neat issues. You can still love someone with issues, or can you?
11. “About two weeks after we moved in together she started wearing jogging bottoms around the house. The second she got in from work, on they went. She actually looked quite sexy, but I didn’t like what it meant – it was way too cosy.”
It looks to me that her work clothes were too binding. Sometimes putting on a pair of pajamas is just like taking your shoes off in the house. You moved in together and you're complaining about cosy? I'd shove those pajamas right up your
12. “She cut her beautiful hair short.”
And so you weren't attracted to her anymore? I can understand that you may have to work hard to be attracted to her even though it's not like her nose and eyes swapped sides. Sometimes one has to evolve past their romantic notions. It's a little like a woman dreaming of tall dark handsome Prince Charming and not realising she's falling in love with a bald, kind of short man. Love just happens, you know? Or maybe you don't.
Were you in this relationship for the sex only? Even so; maybe you'd have been there when her hair grew out. Seeing something like that can actually be a turn on.
So did you think she looked like a man and that took away her femininity?
Or did you think this haircut threatened your sexuality?
13. “She pointed out that I’d put on weight.”
To be honest, I need to know more about his and I'm on the fence on this one anyway.
14. “My girlfriend stopped keeping any secrets from me. It was like I’d become her best female friend, and she told me everything – things her mum said, period pains, workmate stuff. Too much information for me.”
Did you tell her this before you dumped her?
15. “She was funnier than me.”
You're a degenerate.
16. “She never bought me dinner. At first I wanted to pay for our dates because it made me feel like more of a man, but there comes a point where you want her to stump up too. It never happened.”
Maybe she noticed you felt more of a man? Again, is communication fucking dead nowadays?!
17. “I was on a mate’s stag weekend and got back to find that my girlfriend had re-organised all my DVDs. That was pretty much my sole reason for ending it, and I haven’t regretted it.”
She re organised your DVD's. Movies are a big passion of mine but if someone did this for me, as someone once re organised my wardrobe I can understand the invasion issue, and see when it comes to dvds it could be more about control than just a reorganisation..maybe she was doing something nice, maybe it was more. But they are DVD's
18. “I finished with a girl because she couldn’t go out anywhere without completely over-dressing. Even if we were going round a friend’s house, she had to put on make-up and blow-dry her hair. It must have been really hard work being her.”
I love to blow dry my hair, put on jewellry, lip stick, wear pretty things, I like the glamour, maybe my life will be glamorous, I'm high maintenance but I maintain myself and don't want anyone paying my bills and my partner can wear what he wants. I also have a good head on my shoulders. See where I'm going with this? Maybe your girlfriend had just had this side to her like I do.
19. “My ex was late for absolutely everything. It’s not even like she spent ages getting ready to go out. She just had this mental thing where she wouldn’t leave the house until she was too late to meet me on time. It drove me insane.”
Did she lie, did she really have OCD?
If not, she does sound like a kook who'd drive you insane, okay alright I get it.
20. “Her bed was covered in cuddly toys.”
I can understand this. But some quirks are actually issues or things you just hate or creep you out..I think love is more important and I think you should have worked through this. It's hard, yes..
21. “She slept in this big mound of pillows. If I was staying at her place and I fell asleep without throwing off all the pillows, I’d wake up with neck ache.”
I shared a bed with a snorer, I couldn't sleep, I have insomnia anyway, I also once woke up crying with neck pain. Did I make a rash decision? No. Why did you?
22. “She had a dog and she always smelt a little bit of him.”
She's not perfect.
23. “She told me off for answering my phone at dinner. People around us could hear her moaning at me.”
So you argued and then this ended? I want to know more.
24. “Whenever I wanted to watch a DVD at bedtime and snuggle up together, she’d either fidget or fall asleep.”
So she doesn't have the same interests or interest as you. And you find this rude. Or she was just tired or maybe she wanted sex from you right then and sometimes women don't come on to their boyfriends. I don't know her reason. Did she not listen to you when you talked?
25. “My previous ex had dumped me out of the blue. I was completely over it, but I was worried that my new girlfriend would do the same, so I finished with her first.”
You need help and you may be the cause of her needing help too one day. Bad on your part, no excuses for your behaviour even though we all make mistakes and get scared or plain terrified.
26. “She could never remember anything that happened in films we’d seen together, but she remembered every single incriminating thing I’d said during arguments.”
So she'd throw it back in your face?
Or maybe she's sensitive person?
Or maybe you said really mean stuff during the arguments?
Or the communication between you both was more important to her than a film?
27. “Her feet were always freezing in bed.”
So warm her up. Mine get cold too, a lot of women actually feel freezing on their feet compared to elsewhere and sometimes my fingers are almost ice cold. So I warm them up. No one can ever accuse me of being an ice queen, know what I mean?
28. “She accused me of snoring, so I was always too self-conscious to go to sleep when she was there.”
She should have worked though this with you but maybe she lost sleep herself? I know what that's like all too well. Still, she should have worked through this with you.
29. “She bought a pink phone.”
She is an alien, you are an asshole.
30. “She slurped her tea.”
She is human. Humans fart, burp and vomit. You should go out with an alien. You should have told the tea slurping annoys you and unlike the other human body vices can be helped with control and hard work on her side.
31. “Her mum friended me on Facebook. The only way I could get around the friend request was to dump my girlfriend.”
You have mum issues.
32. “I am chaotically messy and I lived in constant fear that she’d try to tidy up under the bed. I don’t know what’s under there, but whatever it is I didn’t want her finding it.”
Hmm..I didn't want my mum finding my porn. But your girlfriend was not your mum...
Saturday, 15 May 2010
Jesse is coming back to Glee..isn't he?!
They can't do this to us.
He's so bad, psychotic undertones bad, not just a mere bully like Puck, whom I find immature and yuck unless he sings to Sweet Caroline to a girl. When Jesse first met Rachel, it was like seeing the face of some graceful but naughty, hard edged being, different to the other boys at the school and that's why I think he can change and be perfect for her. Girl needs that intensity and direction,even more than she has already, none of this soften edges by oppposites attract type nonsense philosophy. I want intense plus intense!
Well, I am LOVING this show. Some shows just click for you, this is one of those. I didn't get into Ugly Betty, I'm not into Desperate Housewives though it's a steller show but Glee is from a great school of thought, each personality, each character on Glee has not only different sides to the but their bad sides are not humiliated. It's not just that they get to sing and we lose ourselves in the music, the music is like it or not infectious and the show is very musical- stage themed, the show has a distinctive personality and is not ashamed. It IS cool, I don't agree that it's not as cool as the creators think. There's something fun and not mocking about it even though it shows the good, bad and the ugly.
And of course Sue Sylvester, a completely different school of thought,!, thanks to Jane Lynch's brilliantly timed performance not just comically but in every way, that makes Sue different to the women she's compared to in other shows like Popular.
I love that Rachel Berry is basically Barbara Streisand in Yentle.! Come on, the under dog. The one who has to deal with the naysayers. And then goes on stage, belts, literally belts in her fucking AMAZING voice out a song and she's The Queen. Not to the school but to us viewers.
And Mr Schuester. The non perfect perfect teacher. Everyone has their pasts, their problems, their issues, a true, real personality who happens to also be the best teacher since Mr Keating Dead Poets Society. Carpe Schuester!
And could Kurt be any more angelic looking, I love how Chris Colfer when asked which star he he would love to have on the show, said Julie Andrews. What a beautiful idea.
Glee is full of beauty, just bursting with energy and the stories and drama just flows. The shows works.
But Jesse you can't just go after singing Total Eclipse of The Heart like an angel with Rachel, but if you do, I will only respect the show more. Heartbreaking to watch but genius. Nevertheless, I'd pay to have Jesse stay. I'm very curious about that personality of his and the actor is so natural. Come back as a gay character to quote a fan's wish, just come back..and please kiss Rachel one more time.
A malgamation of things
Is that a word? I had 4 hours sleep maxo, so I do not care. I should be counting my lucky stars that I had that much because my insomnia has been worse. This past two weeks, it's been there and I thought it was just the pigeon noise. With earplugs, I have to rip them out my ear, I keep thinking they're sinking in, I have very itchy canals. Sorry should I be classy after 4 hours of sleep? You get the message.
I went to sleep with very intense sexual thoughts. "Yah!"
No, I've been having them for two weeks, they're incredibly intense, they keep me up.
The other problem is I'm turning into a visual pervert. How is this a problem? I have Total Eclipse Of The Heart in my head as I imagine every single male I find attractive which seems to be old lust pots too (how fucking gorgeous is DPS' Neil Perry) and that they're lifting me up like Jesse does Rachel, except then I get screwed by one who isn't Neil Perry. Against a wall.
These intense feelings of whatever are keeping me awake, adding to my other problems and preventing me from going back to sleep once I wake even if I take medication which only gives me nightmares. And I very badly wanted to wake from the not one but three nightmares I had today.
"Now I'm only falling apart." No, I'm not yet and I can't.
I went to sleep with very intense sexual thoughts. "Yah!"
No, I've been having them for two weeks, they're incredibly intense, they keep me up.
The other problem is I'm turning into a visual pervert. How is this a problem? I have Total Eclipse Of The Heart in my head as I imagine every single male I find attractive which seems to be old lust pots too (how fucking gorgeous is DPS' Neil Perry) and that they're lifting me up like Jesse does Rachel, except then I get screwed by one who isn't Neil Perry. Against a wall.
These intense feelings of whatever are keeping me awake, adding to my other problems and preventing me from going back to sleep once I wake even if I take medication which only gives me nightmares. And I very badly wanted to wake from the not one but three nightmares I had today.
"Now I'm only falling apart." No, I'm not yet and I can't.
Friday, 14 May 2010
You can only go so far
then you return to square one
If it's not a viscious circle
it's someone dragging you down
I'm supposed to walk into a pillar
rather than walk ahead
There's plenty of room for me
Don't wish I was dead
Everyone has an ego bigger than their wallet
For their personality, it doesn't extend
All negativity and no progress
Better upbringing doesn't mean more manners
Although I won't give up, I get
Fed up. Just plain sad.
Mission accomplished, sadness is mine, amusement is yours,
You win in the end.
If it's not a viscious circle
it's someone dragging you down
I'm supposed to walk into a pillar
rather than walk ahead
There's plenty of room for me
Don't wish I was dead
Everyone has an ego bigger than their wallet
For their personality, it doesn't extend
All negativity and no progress
Better upbringing doesn't mean more manners
Although I won't give up, I get
Fed up. Just plain sad.
Mission accomplished, sadness is mine, amusement is yours,
You win in the end.
Thursday, 13 May 2010
If you ever see someone walk past you looking at the ground
let them, don't disturb them.
I'm not really into writing a page about how I feel, it's the same old same old. Also I have a few newer feelings - not positive ones. That's not something I want to talk about on here. I am loving Glee, my love film movies, online links to Star Wars pre Ewan MacGregor, Shop Girl, Sherlock Holmes my Downey Jr and Jude Law (hello? he was in Gattaca!) respect outweighing the purist in me who thought the trailer literally came up to her and snatched her Sherlock Holmes books (alright BOOK) out of her hands. I just want to watch as much as I can this month and the next, I don't know when I will get to see The Exploding Girl but I know I can see Robin Hood and Whip It. Gosh Robin Hood looks amazing. How important is all this to me? Very. To you if you have problems? I don't know. That's where we all differ and that's going to have to be respected.
I've done so much walking today, when I got to sit down I let out an actual sigh. It felt great to go from cold to warm outside despite the weather being just a little above freezing.
Oh yeah David Cameron is our Prime Minister. I'd love to pull over the covers and wake up and find that's not true. Obama came here, and said he'd take the job as well as presidency of United States. Well come on the second part is true, do we really need any more rules..!..
So, I'll be back when I have some news. This isn't a filler, just that today I got this uneasy feeling, sometimes I don't know if it's fear, nerves, adrenaline, discomfort or anger.
I suppose this is where I really need to make a routine for myself to get my butt to a therapist and get my life moving forward. I still haven't given a copy of identification for the phone sex job that I applied to. I applied to five and one got back to me, but guess what they did it early in the week and I haven't done anything about it. I feel happy about the job but I know I can be at my happiest and also feel that enough of the pain and the crap in life, I want out. Which is very sad and not to be taken lightly. When you're looking at water and thinking if I just jumped in and ended it all, I'll lose the good and the beauty but I'll also lose the pain and the crap, I'm talking about stuff that is the same old same old here, then you need to have a change and I believe in making changes happen yourself for yourself.
Gosh isn't that something that creep Cameron would say?
Alright, so this weekend, push, push, push ahead as much as possible with the phone sex jobs. Come Monday, I can say well I did everything I could at this point in time. Emails, calls, photocopies, postage, it's all going on this weekend as well as my usual Kinky stuff and household blah. And don't forget to sing to Glee. And get some numbers for therapists. I'm not thinking there's a miracle ahead for me or denying and throwing myself into other things, just that I happen to be passionate about them but also happen to be fed up, both as strong at the same time, I don't think I've had it quite like this before. Except I'm an expert at tight rope walking and will be okay.
I'm not really into writing a page about how I feel, it's the same old same old. Also I have a few newer feelings - not positive ones. That's not something I want to talk about on here. I am loving Glee, my love film movies, online links to Star Wars pre Ewan MacGregor, Shop Girl, Sherlock Holmes my Downey Jr and Jude Law (hello? he was in Gattaca!) respect outweighing the purist in me who thought the trailer literally came up to her and snatched her Sherlock Holmes books (alright BOOK) out of her hands. I just want to watch as much as I can this month and the next, I don't know when I will get to see The Exploding Girl but I know I can see Robin Hood and Whip It. Gosh Robin Hood looks amazing. How important is all this to me? Very. To you if you have problems? I don't know. That's where we all differ and that's going to have to be respected.
I've done so much walking today, when I got to sit down I let out an actual sigh. It felt great to go from cold to warm outside despite the weather being just a little above freezing.
Oh yeah David Cameron is our Prime Minister. I'd love to pull over the covers and wake up and find that's not true. Obama came here, and said he'd take the job as well as presidency of United States. Well come on the second part is true, do we really need any more rules..!..
So, I'll be back when I have some news. This isn't a filler, just that today I got this uneasy feeling, sometimes I don't know if it's fear, nerves, adrenaline, discomfort or anger.
I suppose this is where I really need to make a routine for myself to get my butt to a therapist and get my life moving forward. I still haven't given a copy of identification for the phone sex job that I applied to. I applied to five and one got back to me, but guess what they did it early in the week and I haven't done anything about it. I feel happy about the job but I know I can be at my happiest and also feel that enough of the pain and the crap in life, I want out. Which is very sad and not to be taken lightly. When you're looking at water and thinking if I just jumped in and ended it all, I'll lose the good and the beauty but I'll also lose the pain and the crap, I'm talking about stuff that is the same old same old here, then you need to have a change and I believe in making changes happen yourself for yourself.
Gosh isn't that something that creep Cameron would say?
Alright, so this weekend, push, push, push ahead as much as possible with the phone sex jobs. Come Monday, I can say well I did everything I could at this point in time. Emails, calls, photocopies, postage, it's all going on this weekend as well as my usual Kinky stuff and household blah. And don't forget to sing to Glee. And get some numbers for therapists. I'm not thinking there's a miracle ahead for me or denying and throwing myself into other things, just that I happen to be passionate about them but also happen to be fed up, both as strong at the same time, I don't think I've had it quite like this before. Except I'm an expert at tight rope walking and will be okay.
Wednesday, 12 May 2010
We were friends before this
but come on, there's no reason I can't wax lyrical on here about her, check out this link! She completely gets the show, not only that but for anyone who's thinking what a hyped machine the show is, read what she's written. I follow this lady's blog and it is BRILLIANT. Love her!
http://wakeupcall4liz.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/i-am-100-gleek/
http://wakeupcall4liz.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/i-am-100-gleek/
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Gattaca.
So I'm watching this and it's very intriguing. There's a big thing about perfection in this movie. You have Vincent played by Ethan Hawke, sorry to those who've been following me for a year (I do watch other movies with other actors too) and he's born less than perfect in a society that demands more perfection than ours does at the moment.
It's about having every molecule custom designed and living in a very controlled society, every one has their limits and tasks and you can't do something if you merely want to, you have to be custom designed for it. And that to me is eerie and accurate of the depth, what's really inside people's minds in society.
So he's living with and kind of living off this man called Jerome played brilliantly by Jude Law who's the more perfect version of Vincent and hence is chosen for him to alter Vincent's imperfections and to get closer to genetic perfection, the way society wants and needs and the only way Vincent will get to pursue his goal of travelling to the stars. Jude Law's Jerome is now in a wheel chair and it will be interesting to see how Jerome deals with his half life because he's basically just Vincent's donor. Rules, limitations and boxes, that's what we fight again so why does history repeat itself? Is it about power landing in the wrong hands?
I'm only in the middle of this movie but I had to blog about the comparisons between Vincent and probably a lot us. I love his narration in the movie, it's so matter of fact and that's the way the movie is, it mixes the straight forward no nonsense plot and depth of the issues with fantasy,it looks fantastic as well as smooth, it has gorgeous warm music not done in a cliche way, just very immaculately arranged and played. I wanted to get some of his quotes, because he has a way with words does Vincent but since I can't find any, I can give a link.
Now, I'll get back to watching it and see what Irene (Uma Thurman) is all about, but I have a feeling I'll like her relationship with Vincent, kind of like she keeps him on his toes but vice versa, you know a very equal relationship though their characters are different, she's investigating him I think but then gets to understand him and see the real him, something that gets lost in the pursuit of perfection which sounds like a big fucking cliche but there's so many truths in this movie, it's fucking PERFECT in itself.
At one point we see Vincent in pain getting a leg extension. You know, not so wacky when you think about it. How far do we go, when do we stop? A little botox, a little perfection here and there, just what was so wrong in being human? I understand when society has given someone so much grief over scars for example, but to have your lips done in a certain way, to me that is just pure vanity and it's no big deal with some but it makes me sick. A perfect baby? A perfect donor? God, I fall in love with spirit every time, there's no gene for that and I don't care how evolution works and how I don't fit into it or have a need for my future children to.
Alright, and Ethan Hawke is YUM in this movie. Oh he just gets better with age, I like him whatever his looks, it goes beyond that as beyond as one can get with someone they know nothing about, nor do I have a desire to stalk the guy. But his sexiness comes across everytime .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvhSVy2ZdJw
Monday, 10 May 2010
Please.
The Please in Lea Michele's version of Take A Bow inspired me to have this as a personal motto when it comes to the bitter, cynical, twisted up and never happy bullshits out there. You don't deserve anything and I have nothing which is going to cause a dent in your bullshit left to say to you but this one is for my benefit, your behaviour fits the words. How about keeping that window up so I don't have to see YOUR ugly face?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7RdiI_ZObo&playnext_from=TL&videos=ViRBFir6omQ
Ohh, how about a round of applause
Yeah, standing ovation
Oooh ohh yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah
You look so dumb right now
Standing outside my house
Trying to apologize
You're so ugly when you cry
Please, just cut it out
An' don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow
Grab your clothes and get gone (get gone)
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on
Talkin' about, girl, I love you, you're the one
This just looks like a re-run
Please, what else is on (ohh)
And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow
Ohh, and the award for best liar goes to you
For making me believe that you could be faithful to me
Let's hear your speech out
How about a round of applause
A standing ovation
But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
Now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow
But it's over now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7RdiI_ZObo&playnext_from=TL&videos=ViRBFir6omQ
Ohh, how about a round of applause
Yeah, standing ovation
Oooh ohh yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah
You look so dumb right now
Standing outside my house
Trying to apologize
You're so ugly when you cry
Please, just cut it out
An' don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow
Grab your clothes and get gone (get gone)
You better hurry up before the sprinklers come on
Talkin' about, girl, I love you, you're the one
This just looks like a re-run
Please, what else is on (ohh)
And don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not
Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught
But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow
Ohh, and the award for best liar goes to you
For making me believe that you could be faithful to me
Let's hear your speech out
How about a round of applause
A standing ovation
But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
Now it's time to go
Curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it's over now (but it's over now)
Go on and take a bow
But it's over now
Saturday, 8 May 2010
Therapy.
I've made a decision that in order to move forward, to achieve what I want, I need to believe that I don't have all the answers. I hope there is someone out there doing this for a living, who has enough experience to tell me something that comes as a surprise, or just something I didn't think of. Because mostly I think of everything.
I do things randomly too, one my days off, I don't know what I'm doing, I like to just see how it goes. But to think of everything, has been a strength and weakness of mine, nevertheless, I have to believe I haven't yet thought of everything. I ceratinly don't pretend to know everything and I don't think I do or that I'm always right. To me, to be right or wrong don't matter that much.
I also just need to have some help in trying not to feel like shit. I have written about this before, the problem is people think they understand but they don't understand you. They assume you have self esteem issues when it's the fact that you just do not know anything anymore, not that you hate everything, because you've been knocked so many times. I could never hate myself and why should I? I was born for better or for worse but I'm here, my mum worked hard to have me. I'm a gift to her and I'm a kind person, I have a lot of kindness. I think sometimes the kindest people are the most knocked. It's like other people can see that which sounds like I'm talking out of my arse, but I don't have negative things to say about someone's appearance the way others do. Even before I got severely bullied, and then went on to find that actually outside the school and college bubble, the world treated me as badly, I still have kept my inner kindness. I can't not be happy or excited about life, about appreciating it and when I'm doing that, and someone tries to knock me, I don't knock them because I'm feeling, well, too kind! Do you know what I mean? It's not just I'm in a moment or don't care, I actually feel so fucking full of love as ridiculous as it sounds when I'm out say in the great outdoors and even when someone pushes past indoors, I get over it, I don't glare at anyone. If I did, I know I wouldn't get anywhere, people aren't scared of me and I don't see why I should assert myself in such a negative way, negativity for negativity? I'll leave it to others.
I know it's all animal kingdom, survival of the fittest and treat those who don't meet ideals and requirements like shit, but I actually value every single human.
Why am I looked at when I eat, even after I lost the weight - a question I can ask my therapist without hearing the paranoid chestnut. I know there is something about me that offends or ticks people off before I even speak, that much I have established, I know when I'm on websites and on the phone, things aren't as bad, so it could be a full body view, view of all my clothes, the whole me, the way I move, the way I come across but I tried changing all that, I tried really hard, it didn't work. So I just want some answers, true answers not something I want to hear or something that is so not on the mark, I live in world where on an agoraphobic site, other agoraphobics equate appearance in profile photos to personality and what happens inside your body and mind.
So is there someone out there who can help me, give me therapy?
I remember playing this song, Caught In A Moment when I was writing Slowburn and I felt excitment. I also found it soothing, not comforting my woes, but relatable in a general sense.
I now feel like I should be dead outside, not just lay low but be dead. I don't know how many people can relate on that level, because I think they'd have taken their life. You may be wondering and you may think I'm exagerating, you have to truly live or have lived through it, sometimes you just have to be in that person's shoes. This is my documenting it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pxGZUMv3C4
I do things randomly too, one my days off, I don't know what I'm doing, I like to just see how it goes. But to think of everything, has been a strength and weakness of mine, nevertheless, I have to believe I haven't yet thought of everything. I ceratinly don't pretend to know everything and I don't think I do or that I'm always right. To me, to be right or wrong don't matter that much.
I also just need to have some help in trying not to feel like shit. I have written about this before, the problem is people think they understand but they don't understand you. They assume you have self esteem issues when it's the fact that you just do not know anything anymore, not that you hate everything, because you've been knocked so many times. I could never hate myself and why should I? I was born for better or for worse but I'm here, my mum worked hard to have me. I'm a gift to her and I'm a kind person, I have a lot of kindness. I think sometimes the kindest people are the most knocked. It's like other people can see that which sounds like I'm talking out of my arse, but I don't have negative things to say about someone's appearance the way others do. Even before I got severely bullied, and then went on to find that actually outside the school and college bubble, the world treated me as badly, I still have kept my inner kindness. I can't not be happy or excited about life, about appreciating it and when I'm doing that, and someone tries to knock me, I don't knock them because I'm feeling, well, too kind! Do you know what I mean? It's not just I'm in a moment or don't care, I actually feel so fucking full of love as ridiculous as it sounds when I'm out say in the great outdoors and even when someone pushes past indoors, I get over it, I don't glare at anyone. If I did, I know I wouldn't get anywhere, people aren't scared of me and I don't see why I should assert myself in such a negative way, negativity for negativity? I'll leave it to others.
I know it's all animal kingdom, survival of the fittest and treat those who don't meet ideals and requirements like shit, but I actually value every single human.
Why am I looked at when I eat, even after I lost the weight - a question I can ask my therapist without hearing the paranoid chestnut. I know there is something about me that offends or ticks people off before I even speak, that much I have established, I know when I'm on websites and on the phone, things aren't as bad, so it could be a full body view, view of all my clothes, the whole me, the way I move, the way I come across but I tried changing all that, I tried really hard, it didn't work. So I just want some answers, true answers not something I want to hear or something that is so not on the mark, I live in world where on an agoraphobic site, other agoraphobics equate appearance in profile photos to personality and what happens inside your body and mind.
So is there someone out there who can help me, give me therapy?
I remember playing this song, Caught In A Moment when I was writing Slowburn and I felt excitment. I also found it soothing, not comforting my woes, but relatable in a general sense.
I now feel like I should be dead outside, not just lay low but be dead. I don't know how many people can relate on that level, because I think they'd have taken their life. You may be wondering and you may think I'm exagerating, you have to truly live or have lived through it, sometimes you just have to be in that person's shoes. This is my documenting it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pxGZUMv3C4
Friday, 7 May 2010
I have just a couple of things to say.
I'm still going to keep this blog because I always have something to say and there's a million things in the world that bug me, yet it's actually a specie of bird keeping me up at night, and it shat over our house, but just that sometimes there's nothing you can say on your own life, without doing something first or just not coming to any conclusions of even having anything in writing. What I'm trying to get at is basic bad shit that happens and then on the other hand, I had this vision I got to be happy because of good shit that happens but still had it semi ruined. The trick is to not have it ruined. This is where strength, maturity and being the adult comes in. That I can do.
Bye and have a good weekend.
And also I want to say that if anyone wants to start something on here, please do, I'll be in.
Just thought that was a pretty picture.
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
Whatever.
There's a lot of bigger things happening in this world. Getting almost run over by a fast driving lorry in a fucking small car park is not big in comparison. After all their rudeness is something I am used to, it was a man driving the lorry after all. As of today I put on a face of thunder for most people. They don't deserve anything else, hardly anyone is civil to me and they don't deserve any work on my part, the face of thunder comes more naturally than having to be all breezy happy smiley, I don't care about how many muscles I'm using. As far as I'm concerned, they are worthless scum and I'm going to mutter that under my breath more and more.
Yes, I have a real problem with the world and I'm NOT going to put on a smile.
I'm here for my friends and people who are actually okay. Having a bad day? Don't take it out on a complete stranger and I've seen the way lorries drive, they're such bad drivers, maybe if they actually swallowed their pride and asked for directions they wouldn't get stuck in a car park. And if they said to me oi give me directions, I'd have told them to go eat shit, that's a pretty quick and easy and fitting come back for scum.
Yes, I have a real problem with the world and I'm NOT going to put on a smile.
I'm here for my friends and people who are actually okay. Having a bad day? Don't take it out on a complete stranger and I've seen the way lorries drive, they're such bad drivers, maybe if they actually swallowed their pride and asked for directions they wouldn't get stuck in a car park. And if they said to me oi give me directions, I'd have told them to go eat shit, that's a pretty quick and easy and fitting come back for scum.
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
I think I wrote something and burnt my legs from the heat of my laptop.
No it's not a boast, this laptop has no fans.
True story.
http://expressyourkink.blogspot.com/2010/05/handsome.html
True story.
http://expressyourkink.blogspot.com/2010/05/handsome.html
Why The Truth About Cats and Dogs pisses me off and makes me want to spit on Michael Lehmann.
Every now and then I read a comment about this movie. And it brings back feelings of oh gosh I want to word how much I hate this movie but I need to articulate myself better.
Here goes.
It's just so uninspiring. Let's use that old chestnut of "I mean if you're going to make a movie", but seriously why NOT make one that really does something? It'd still make money and be a welcome relief to Schindler's List's serious, (erm..) drama.
I didn't even find TACAD (ooh so that what it looks like abbreviated but not yet covered in poo) entertaining, I mean Janeane's witty one liners and interaction with Uma "I'd fuck you." "Thank you honey I know you would" were nice, but the movie was so one tone. You know one tone, just like not moving anywhere, so not dynamic and relying on the sunny lighting and rainbow colours of Hollywood movie settings to elevate the movie. It's not even thought provoking depressing bullshit. It's not that, I won't say what it is.
I don't particularly care about men who won't open a door for Janeane Garafalo. I don't care about men who are jerks or men who are kind of cynical and weary. But the movie puts men like that in focus when actually it shouldn't even be giving them the time of day.
So Abby, Janeane's character is smart, witty and gutsy on the radio. So what, she sees Uma and is like all omg gorgeous, yes what else could she be! I'll just let her make a move on fucking Ben Chaplin?! I mean, Abby you're a smart chick you honestly are going to push another woman onto him??
And are we supposed to be happy with the notion that ..seriously stop what you're doing cos this is groundbreaking..some women's beauty comes from..within..every fucking woman's beauty comes from within! I'm not going to buy into society's crap that Uma is more beautiful than Janeane or vice versa because I'd like to think I have evolved past that high school IMDB debate crap. And it's true some men will always prefer the tall, angular blonde even if she's as "dorky" as her short brunette friend but are those men worth bothering with?
No amount of pore minimiser is going to make the right guy for you fall in love with you. And you don't want some asshole superficial mind of a 13 yr old jerk fall in love with you because then it's up to you to make your kids turn out okay, you know?! That's just too much responsibility for one person!
And so Brian Ben Chaplin's character is all I lurve phone sex with you Abby baby and I see something in you ..through my photographer's lens (yah right, he's got two women in the apartment, and he's JUST taking photos..)but I'm still going to feed Uma sorry Noelle sorry Mad..Tadonna cheescake, whilst Paul Weller's You Do Something To Me is hideously misused. But I love you Abby "cos you know when you.." Oh Gawd I'm gagging at that point!
Look Bri, Abby and Unicorn, I'd have made a movie where I'd love to see the sensuality in Abby a woman who looks as fucking earthy as she sounds and Unicorn without her billowy granny dresses and Brian being a fucking MAN, you know? He sounds, looks and acts like a boy.
Cyrano De Bergerac Truth and Dogs AIN'T. And neither of them are Gerard Depardieu.
Here goes.
It's just so uninspiring. Let's use that old chestnut of "I mean if you're going to make a movie", but seriously why NOT make one that really does something? It'd still make money and be a welcome relief to Schindler's List's serious, (erm..) drama.
I didn't even find TACAD (ooh so that what it looks like abbreviated but not yet covered in poo) entertaining, I mean Janeane's witty one liners and interaction with Uma "I'd fuck you." "Thank you honey I know you would" were nice, but the movie was so one tone. You know one tone, just like not moving anywhere, so not dynamic and relying on the sunny lighting and rainbow colours of Hollywood movie settings to elevate the movie. It's not even thought provoking depressing bullshit. It's not that, I won't say what it is.
I don't particularly care about men who won't open a door for Janeane Garafalo. I don't care about men who are jerks or men who are kind of cynical and weary. But the movie puts men like that in focus when actually it shouldn't even be giving them the time of day.
So Abby, Janeane's character is smart, witty and gutsy on the radio. So what, she sees Uma and is like all omg gorgeous, yes what else could she be! I'll just let her make a move on fucking Ben Chaplin?! I mean, Abby you're a smart chick you honestly are going to push another woman onto him??
And are we supposed to be happy with the notion that ..seriously stop what you're doing cos this is groundbreaking..some women's beauty comes from..within..every fucking woman's beauty comes from within! I'm not going to buy into society's crap that Uma is more beautiful than Janeane or vice versa because I'd like to think I have evolved past that high school IMDB debate crap. And it's true some men will always prefer the tall, angular blonde even if she's as "dorky" as her short brunette friend but are those men worth bothering with?
No amount of pore minimiser is going to make the right guy for you fall in love with you. And you don't want some asshole superficial mind of a 13 yr old jerk fall in love with you because then it's up to you to make your kids turn out okay, you know?! That's just too much responsibility for one person!
And so Brian Ben Chaplin's character is all I lurve phone sex with you Abby baby and I see something in you ..through my photographer's lens (yah right, he's got two women in the apartment, and he's JUST taking photos..)but I'm still going to feed Uma sorry Noelle sorry Mad..Tadonna cheescake, whilst Paul Weller's You Do Something To Me is hideously misused. But I love you Abby "cos you know when you.." Oh Gawd I'm gagging at that point!
Look Bri, Abby and Unicorn, I'd have made a movie where I'd love to see the sensuality in Abby a woman who looks as fucking earthy as she sounds and Unicorn without her billowy granny dresses and Brian being a fucking MAN, you know? He sounds, looks and acts like a boy.
Cyrano De Bergerac Truth and Dogs AIN'T. And neither of them are Gerard Depardieu.
Monday, 3 May 2010
What happens after?
I've started to watch Glee. I tried watching it before but I was under the impression it was like Ugly Betty/oh gosh what's that programme with Anna Friel and Lee someone? But it's not. I didn't give it a proper go. This time, however I'm in it for the fact one of my favourite ebooks, Sweet Caroline, was based on an episode of Glee and I love their version of Sweet Caroline which is a beautiful song. I also love the gay character in Glee, I'm so new to this so give me chance to get the character's names but he has the cutest face. I think I'm like the olive skinned, girl version of him, same "dorky" haircut and in another world look on my face. I don't look like any of the girls in any tv show, I tend to actually resemble the boys even when I had longer hair, I just have one of those faces, not masculine but soft and round, too circular to be a "hot girl" which is a prequisite to star on American tv it seems. Come on even "Ugly Betty" was delicious. But my apperance aside, I'm enjoying the programme. I've come to also appreciate older music, I thought this theatrical, Broadway, jazz hands cliche was not for me but the more I exist, the more I embrace the classics. In everything.
Which brings me on to Audrey Hepburn. I tried on this rain coat today and my sister said to me, you look like Audrey Hepburn. I thought the coat looked a little long and sticky outy at the bum for me, but it's such a beautiful classic purple type colour, it suits me and has a great waist. The Audrey Hepburn commment sealed it. My sister is very generous and giving, not because I don't believe it's possible for me to look good, I have no problem with the way I look, it's other people's and society's problems for me people "like me" that I hate, so I'm not used to generosity in the world outside social networking (a world I am no longer part of, as ya know!). So Audrey Hepburn even when I wore my dress today and way before my sister mentioned her, is pretty much someone I'm going to be inspired by. The way she walks and her presence, because of people's bullshit, I have lost how I was before, so sometimes getting inspiration from someone helps you find you and be you. Because I have no ease for knowledge of ridicule, it's not fear of ridicule, just today two girls walked by and snickered at me, I haven't had the snickering in some time, the looks out of eye corners and the glaring I'm used to but the snicker brings back school days. I don't feel sad but I do feel angry about them. If my family was not with me and it wasn't the end of the day, I would have said, and what's so great about the way you look? I've been known to have confrontations with bitches, I'm not afraid of them. In this country we have a phrase; chav. We also have another; wag. Look it up. A common example includes Cheryl Cole with her obvious hair extensions, massive hair, and wags; streaky fake tan. The streaks and the massive eye lashes and long faces hidden behind hair equal the hotties of British culture. I'm so not a part of that and it shows, that's what they were picking on, I know it, it's so damned obvious. I look goody goody, more than clean clut I probably look like a good little older Indian girl virgin, whatever the current cliche or urban crap is. What I don't get is there was a girl with really long tan legs today standing and every single man and woman were gazing at her in admiration. I could say things about her appearance, clearly she modelled herself more on Abi Clancy than Audrey Hepburn, which is not a bad thing in this country as lads mags readers have actually been known to consider Hepburn "plain," well yeah Hepburn dressed simply but to stunning non fussy effect, but I could see Clancy girl give me a look and I thought whatever streaky, I'm not at school. I think I look okay, I just don't look like you and I'm happy with that and me. But what is the deal with people and a certain look, you know? It's not the fact that it's not my look that affects me, it's the fact that my look should affect them because it doesn't fit their look. Why bother looking at me, if you only have bad things to say or have to glare? I really don't get this bitchy attitude. Someone said I have self esteem problems but funnily enough I don't and I think that causes problems. Maybe if I pretended I wasn't good enough to wear a dress, or covered my face with my hair, then I'd be the "shy girl." But I'm not a cliche. I'm shy but I'm also fiercely alive. There's so much blood pumping through these fucking veins!
I read on Social Phobia World, because naturally when you get enough shit you do develop social discomfort at the very least, that people pick up on this, this, this and this about you. SO where did the generosity go? To the fucking John Lewis advert?! I mean, millions or thousands or gazillions have allegedly tuned in for that and clicked on youtube for some sentimental advert but they don't have any humanity otherwise.
I really wish only the people I loved and liked were alive and the rest, dead. They are just VISCIOUS, HORRIBLE people. This is where I'm so clearly the opposite to Audrey Hepburn. It's my blog and I have to be honest. I'm not going to put on an act.
The sad thing is that I know my mum can tell what others think about me but she's covering it up. She's being protective and a mother. It's not easy to tell your child that they have say BO but it's a heck of a lot fucking harder to try and understand something that they do to others which causes hostility, annoyance and crap.
I can deal with this shit because I have since the age of 4, for some reason there's just always been something hasn't there hmm people of the world, the great public?!
I used to think it was my weight, I was solid, but it's not, it's CRAP. I can say it's my face or my eyes, or my feet or my hands, but there's nothing I can do outside of surgery and veils hair or cloth, to lessen this bullshit.
Well, I think people have problems but to have something like this, it makes me sad that people are so sensitive. I am and yet I deal with crap everyday, and I try and have a life. I don't want a medal, I just want people to realise that if they don't deal with this, they are lucky. Because I can tell you I would swap lives with someone who had cancer in a heartbeat. I worked with people who have cancer and I think they are far more amazing than me but I think I could deal with THAT pain.
Oh by the way the song Beautiful is on Glee. Originally by Christina Aguilera. Well she had it wrong. I disagree with all the lyrics of that song, it's for main stream society, not the one that even people on Social Phobia World can not quite understand. Still I appreciate the use of that song in Glee. I'm happy that the character will get something, I've been trying all my life to get something but no amount of work will get me that. That's not a put down, it's the truth so far. I'm not tired, just even more dedicated to me.
Happy Mermaids and Hepburn.
Which brings me on to Audrey Hepburn. I tried on this rain coat today and my sister said to me, you look like Audrey Hepburn. I thought the coat looked a little long and sticky outy at the bum for me, but it's such a beautiful classic purple type colour, it suits me and has a great waist. The Audrey Hepburn commment sealed it. My sister is very generous and giving, not because I don't believe it's possible for me to look good, I have no problem with the way I look, it's other people's and society's problems for me people "like me" that I hate, so I'm not used to generosity in the world outside social networking (a world I am no longer part of, as ya know!). So Audrey Hepburn even when I wore my dress today and way before my sister mentioned her, is pretty much someone I'm going to be inspired by. The way she walks and her presence, because of people's bullshit, I have lost how I was before, so sometimes getting inspiration from someone helps you find you and be you. Because I have no ease for knowledge of ridicule, it's not fear of ridicule, just today two girls walked by and snickered at me, I haven't had the snickering in some time, the looks out of eye corners and the glaring I'm used to but the snicker brings back school days. I don't feel sad but I do feel angry about them. If my family was not with me and it wasn't the end of the day, I would have said, and what's so great about the way you look? I've been known to have confrontations with bitches, I'm not afraid of them. In this country we have a phrase; chav. We also have another; wag. Look it up. A common example includes Cheryl Cole with her obvious hair extensions, massive hair, and wags; streaky fake tan. The streaks and the massive eye lashes and long faces hidden behind hair equal the hotties of British culture. I'm so not a part of that and it shows, that's what they were picking on, I know it, it's so damned obvious. I look goody goody, more than clean clut I probably look like a good little older Indian girl virgin, whatever the current cliche or urban crap is. What I don't get is there was a girl with really long tan legs today standing and every single man and woman were gazing at her in admiration. I could say things about her appearance, clearly she modelled herself more on Abi Clancy than Audrey Hepburn, which is not a bad thing in this country as lads mags readers have actually been known to consider Hepburn "plain," well yeah Hepburn dressed simply but to stunning non fussy effect, but I could see Clancy girl give me a look and I thought whatever streaky, I'm not at school. I think I look okay, I just don't look like you and I'm happy with that and me. But what is the deal with people and a certain look, you know? It's not the fact that it's not my look that affects me, it's the fact that my look should affect them because it doesn't fit their look. Why bother looking at me, if you only have bad things to say or have to glare? I really don't get this bitchy attitude. Someone said I have self esteem problems but funnily enough I don't and I think that causes problems. Maybe if I pretended I wasn't good enough to wear a dress, or covered my face with my hair, then I'd be the "shy girl." But I'm not a cliche. I'm shy but I'm also fiercely alive. There's so much blood pumping through these fucking veins!
I read on Social Phobia World, because naturally when you get enough shit you do develop social discomfort at the very least, that people pick up on this, this, this and this about you. SO where did the generosity go? To the fucking John Lewis advert?! I mean, millions or thousands or gazillions have allegedly tuned in for that and clicked on youtube for some sentimental advert but they don't have any humanity otherwise.
I really wish only the people I loved and liked were alive and the rest, dead. They are just VISCIOUS, HORRIBLE people. This is where I'm so clearly the opposite to Audrey Hepburn. It's my blog and I have to be honest. I'm not going to put on an act.
The sad thing is that I know my mum can tell what others think about me but she's covering it up. She's being protective and a mother. It's not easy to tell your child that they have say BO but it's a heck of a lot fucking harder to try and understand something that they do to others which causes hostility, annoyance and crap.
I can deal with this shit because I have since the age of 4, for some reason there's just always been something hasn't there hmm people of the world, the great public?!
I used to think it was my weight, I was solid, but it's not, it's CRAP. I can say it's my face or my eyes, or my feet or my hands, but there's nothing I can do outside of surgery and veils hair or cloth, to lessen this bullshit.
Well, I think people have problems but to have something like this, it makes me sad that people are so sensitive. I am and yet I deal with crap everyday, and I try and have a life. I don't want a medal, I just want people to realise that if they don't deal with this, they are lucky. Because I can tell you I would swap lives with someone who had cancer in a heartbeat. I worked with people who have cancer and I think they are far more amazing than me but I think I could deal with THAT pain.
Oh by the way the song Beautiful is on Glee. Originally by Christina Aguilera. Well she had it wrong. I disagree with all the lyrics of that song, it's for main stream society, not the one that even people on Social Phobia World can not quite understand. Still I appreciate the use of that song in Glee. I'm happy that the character will get something, I've been trying all my life to get something but no amount of work will get me that. That's not a put down, it's the truth so far. I'm not tired, just even more dedicated to me.
Happy Mermaids and Hepburn.
Sunday, 2 May 2010
Hurt.
I'm supposed to be getting ready for a big day tomorrow. Still have to clean and do washing before I settle down for Mermaids and then bed. Mermaids is kind of my version of therapy. It's like a little piece of something that I can have before a storm. I know that sounds dramatic. Yesterday I was in a storm. I don't know what to say other than I have talked, and talked, and talked about it. I am tired of having other people's BULLSHIT take up space like it has. But it's the fact it affects me and that's what I talk about as well. The thing is, today I woke up in an almost panic, make today okay because yesterday was so crap. Well, I didn't end up going out today. I got busy with preparing for tomorrow and then it was midday, I just felt oh gosh I'm tired and sleep deprived and what will I get if I go out, you know?
No one likes being a victim. Maybe sometimes we mull over things too much, think about things too much and re live it too much and let it affect other things too much and other parts of us, if that makes sense, but being a loser, a victim, a saddo, a woman who's not a woman in society, a, I don't know sad lonely looking creature despite not acutally feeling that, but being GREY it's not something we enjoy because I tell you that is none of us. We all have the will to live, love, learn and experience. When that power is taken from us by others, it gives the feelings of the worst worthlessness.
I wanted to just stab a knife into me yesterday so I can start self harming because if I don't stab, there's no way I can just cut myself. WHY did I want to self harm? Because of the hurt. And what will it achieve? It will achieve this feeling of taking some power back that's in a weird way what it will achieve. I don't know, it's not even fully that but a little of that if not a lot is involved.
Feelings can be so raw, so tender, you can't get inside them fully.
I read someone else's post, a good friend of mine's and I half want to pack my bags and go see her and just give her a hug. I could relate to her post and that made me to write this.
You know, because of idiocy, my plans and goals have been ruined. Small plans, larger plans and my happiness and place in the world is gone. I am trying to get pieces of myself back and to have a life. This past week I've been in touch a lot with my sexual side and I've been chatting and messaging someone who stimulates me not just sexually but in other ways. That's me, that's the person I am and I felt happy because I was myself but to be somewhere where throughout the day, I'm torn down, well that is what causes me the hurt. And they say, no one can do that for you. They ALSO say it's in your head, it's jealousy, it's this, it's that, I say you don't know until you have been through it and what I want from you, anyone reading this blog is to just live your life to the fullest and knock down each obstacle, both of which I am trying to do.
No one likes being a victim. Maybe sometimes we mull over things too much, think about things too much and re live it too much and let it affect other things too much and other parts of us, if that makes sense, but being a loser, a victim, a saddo, a woman who's not a woman in society, a, I don't know sad lonely looking creature despite not acutally feeling that, but being GREY it's not something we enjoy because I tell you that is none of us. We all have the will to live, love, learn and experience. When that power is taken from us by others, it gives the feelings of the worst worthlessness.
I wanted to just stab a knife into me yesterday so I can start self harming because if I don't stab, there's no way I can just cut myself. WHY did I want to self harm? Because of the hurt. And what will it achieve? It will achieve this feeling of taking some power back that's in a weird way what it will achieve. I don't know, it's not even fully that but a little of that if not a lot is involved.
Feelings can be so raw, so tender, you can't get inside them fully.
I read someone else's post, a good friend of mine's and I half want to pack my bags and go see her and just give her a hug. I could relate to her post and that made me to write this.
You know, because of idiocy, my plans and goals have been ruined. Small plans, larger plans and my happiness and place in the world is gone. I am trying to get pieces of myself back and to have a life. This past week I've been in touch a lot with my sexual side and I've been chatting and messaging someone who stimulates me not just sexually but in other ways. That's me, that's the person I am and I felt happy because I was myself but to be somewhere where throughout the day, I'm torn down, well that is what causes me the hurt. And they say, no one can do that for you. They ALSO say it's in your head, it's jealousy, it's this, it's that, I say you don't know until you have been through it and what I want from you, anyone reading this blog is to just live your life to the fullest and knock down each obstacle, both of which I am trying to do.
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