So I'm watching this movie which I KNEW would be blah and argh! Baby talk behind, it's called Queen Sized and it stars Nikki Blonsky (star of the new Hairspray) as a girl who's not just a loser or geek at her school but as she says, the fat girl and that losers or geeks get ignored, she however gets looked at and people make up their minds then and there, she's of no worth.
You can see why that would be argh for me. I know what that's like. For me, it was about everything, the weight wasn't the highest, the height wasn't the shortest, skin wasn't the brownest, it was a combination of these things and my school clothes as well as other clothes. Like nothing was right, and even now, outside cyberspace, I can't do anything right in the eyes of others. I do get sneaky glances at my shoes though, one pair is showy and it goes to show how high people's standards are. But then the person with the average wage is making themselves look like a Cheryl Cole, or a WAG. Dark skin and light brown hair makes them the queens of society. Yes more like the queens, if you know what I mean, drama, drama, drama.
I stopped caring about their drama. It's still going to affect you, after all I'm human and I'm sensitive but I'm not hurting over them and I have a good opinion about myself. Once upon a time I would be in tears watching Queen Sized, today I can at least watch it.
So Nikki's character actually accidentally gets in the running for Home Coming Queen and it's accidentally because these girls who are always picking on her and making her daily life HELL, take a photo of her of course whilst she's trying to get some chow, what the fuck girl has to eat, bloody hell, and they over hear her talking to her friend about Home Coming Queen.
It's the small things in this movie that got to me to some extent. I mean, there are these girls and women who pick on you and they're not outcasts in society whom will also pick on you, it's all so absurd and doesn't make sense. So anyone saying it's jealousy has it wrong, these people just WANT to ruin someone's life. I believe they may have human envy and they just can't see anyone else who doesn't fit into their boxes. But a word for them regardless of their bullshit; intolerant. They're like racists. They MAY have insecurities in the general sense and also that you have something they find in themselves, but I'm sick of this jealousy crap, the fact is they just want to make your life hell. So, you need to rise above them not because of "jealousy" or "insecurity," but because you don't go to war with someone. I've learned that, just break free, just go away or keep them at distance as much as they claw onto you like the wicked bitch of the east, west, north and south, you just be the adult one here. Forget revenge, I'm sorry but life is too short for that. I don't want to be enemies with someone who's not even worthy to be my enemy. If I repulse someone, or annoy someone or affect someone in any way, that's THEIR issue.
You ever watch that movie Napoleon Dynamite? This guy always pushes him hard into a locker and it's fucking physical abuse never mind the comedy but my God, he could break his bones, but Napoleon doesn't get his own back, what he does is achieve things. He's focused. You can be as focused as you try but someone is always going to try and bring you down in whatever way. What they should be teaching us in these little crappy 5 minute talks they're calling counselling sessions in some schools, is that school is a bubble but so is any work environment and bullies are everywhere. They should be telling you how to be strong and why you need to be. I can say after 25 years, only now can I say this, you need to be strong because that is the only way you can achieve anything.
So the small things in Queen Sized are when it wasn't some bitchy queen picking on Nikki's character, it's a boy who will moo at her because he's has a phallus on his face and then has the gall to be with his friend as he asks Nikki's friend out and then gives Nikki's character such a look when not even that she may be coming to the party too, but when it's like a second of a question that hasn't even been fully formed. In those seconds, it's ignoring, it's no respect, it's worthlessness, it's ridicule, humilation and also unecessary and devoid of any humanity. I don't care how much you want to get laid, this extreme behaviour to me. Yet it exists. I know people are like that in school, it's NOT exaggerated.
Stop, just STOP with the neat little tie ups and the boxes, don't live your life according to cliche, and forget that someone who looks at someone else who never hurt them as though they're worthless is worthless themselves, just live your life period. Walk on by, hold your head high and if you want to become homecoming queen, I don't see it as saying that's a goal, I see it as an experience. It's not about saying the popular kids and little cheerleaders have it better than you, it's about just doing something because why the heck not?!
Alright, I'm going back to my movie. If the fault with the link is repaired, you can expect to hear more from me about it.
I've been there, I've said okay no eating, starving myself, enjoying the pain I got from that and feeling so, so guilty should a slice of weight watchers pizza cross my lips even if I've worked out like a maniac, WHY? To silence or impress others? Are you kidding? I can't ever do that, it's either too big or too small with me. That's okay. I find saying whatever, man actually pretty damned accurate to how I feel. I was born short limbed, round faced and soft, small waisted clearly that is intolerable on me and clearly the waist is never noticed but when some JLo has an ass, how silly of me, that's sexy. It's all about those neat little boxes, she's tan, she's "fit", "hot" so the ass meat is okay on her. How fabulously demented this society we occupy is and notice how things are taken so negatively. I think for example she has this, but they think she, as in I, don't have this. (By the way I don't care about it's all in your head responses, KNOW me, READ my blog). If someone is compared to someone they portray on screen, people will latch on to the negativity. She's compared to a drama queen, so she is one, not that the drama queen happens to be passionate, oh no she's JUST a drama queen. Little boxes, pretty, neat little boxes. Passion confused with anger, matter of fact confused with insult.
I don't want adulation, I just want to be left the FUCK alone. But I won't and there will always be my favourite specimen of fellow Indian girl who will just have a big problem with me, watching me like this one was today with her male in whatever sense companion and it's like wow hostile, claustrophobic, but what exactly did she gain out of that? To me? No skin of my nose, I'll blog about it and I'm done thinking about it, but she got a minute joy and or misery from me? How ridiculous she is. To make someone into something like that, and if you look at someone you don't even know for that amount of time makes you as ridiculous as the funkiest smelling shit. I repeat, passion confused with anger, matter of fact confused with insult. There's "people watching" as the term goes and then there's intolerance.
So my truth maybe be different to what you go through but don't solve a negative with a negative, just LIVE. You have to try and just get on with life and be inspired and have love, you know, I'm going to bring up a baby, not because I want the husband and the children and the home, but because even with my people fear which is understandable, I'm maternal, funny the bullies didn't really ruin my life, because THAT hasn't changed.
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