Hurt.

I'm supposed to be getting ready for a big day tomorrow. Still have to clean and do washing before I settle down for Mermaids and then bed. Mermaids is kind of my version of therapy. It's like a little piece of something that I can have before a storm. I know that sounds dramatic. Yesterday I was in a storm. I don't know what to say other than I have talked, and talked, and talked about it. I am tired of having other people's BULLSHIT take up space like it has. But it's the fact it affects me and that's what I talk about as well. The thing is, today I woke up in an almost panic, make today okay because yesterday was so crap. Well, I didn't end up going out today. I got busy with preparing for tomorrow and then it was midday, I just felt oh gosh I'm tired and sleep deprived and what will I get if I go out, you know?

No one likes being a victim. Maybe sometimes we mull over things too much, think about things too much and re live it too much and let it affect other things too much and other parts of us, if that makes sense, but being a loser, a victim, a saddo, a woman who's not a woman in society, a, I don't know sad lonely looking creature despite not acutally feeling that, but being GREY it's not something we enjoy because I tell you that is none of us. We all have the will to live, love, learn and experience. When that power is taken from us by others, it gives the feelings of the worst worthlessness.

I wanted to just stab a knife into me yesterday so I can start self harming because if I don't stab, there's no way I can just cut myself. WHY did I want to self harm? Because of the hurt. And what will it achieve? It will achieve this feeling of taking some power back that's in a weird way what it will achieve. I don't know, it's not even fully that but a little of that if not a lot is involved.

Feelings can be so raw, so tender, you can't get inside them fully.

I read someone else's post, a good friend of mine's and I half want to pack my bags and go see her and just give her a hug. I could relate to her post and that made me to write this.

You know, because of idiocy, my plans and goals have been ruined. Small plans, larger plans and my happiness and place in the world is gone. I am trying to get pieces of myself back and to have a life. This past week I've been in touch a lot with my sexual side and I've been chatting and messaging someone who stimulates me not just sexually but in other ways. That's me, that's the person I am and I felt happy because I was myself but to be somewhere where throughout the day, I'm torn down, well that is what causes me the hurt. And they say, no one can do that for you. They ALSO say it's in your head, it's jealousy, it's this, it's that, I say you don't know until you have been through it and what I want from you, anyone reading this blog is to just live your life to the fullest and knock down each obstacle, both of which I am trying to do.