What happens after?

I've started to watch Glee. I tried watching it before but I was under the impression it was like Ugly Betty/oh gosh what's that programme with Anna Friel and Lee someone? But it's not. I didn't give it a proper go. This time, however I'm in it for the fact one of my favourite ebooks, Sweet Caroline, was based on an episode of Glee and I love their version of Sweet Caroline which is a beautiful song. I also love the gay character in Glee, I'm so new to this so give me chance to get the character's names but he has the cutest face. I think I'm like the olive skinned, girl version of him, same "dorky" haircut and in another world look on my face. I don't look like any of the girls in any tv show, I tend to actually resemble the boys even when I had longer hair, I just have one of those faces, not masculine but soft and round, too circular to be a "hot girl" which is a prequisite to star on American tv it seems. Come on even "Ugly Betty" was delicious. But my apperance aside, I'm enjoying the programme. I've come to also appreciate older music, I thought this theatrical, Broadway, jazz hands cliche was not for me but the more I exist, the more I embrace the classics. In everything.

Which brings me on to Audrey Hepburn. I tried on this rain coat today and my sister said to me, you look like Audrey Hepburn. I thought the coat looked a little long and sticky outy at the bum for me, but it's such a beautiful classic purple type colour, it suits me and has a great waist. The Audrey Hepburn commment sealed it. My sister is very generous and giving, not because I don't believe it's possible for me to look good, I have no problem with the way I look, it's other people's and society's problems for me people "like me" that I hate, so I'm not used to generosity in the world outside social networking (a world I am no longer part of, as ya know!). So Audrey Hepburn even when I wore my dress today and way before my sister mentioned her, is pretty much someone I'm going to be inspired by. The way she walks and her presence, because of people's bullshit, I have lost how I was before, so sometimes getting inspiration from someone helps you find you and be you. Because I have no ease for knowledge of ridicule, it's not fear of ridicule, just today two girls walked by and snickered at me, I haven't had the snickering in some time, the looks out of eye corners and the glaring I'm used to but the snicker brings back school days. I don't feel sad but I do feel angry about them. If my family was not with me and it wasn't the end of the day, I would have said, and what's so great about the way you look? I've been known to have confrontations with bitches, I'm not afraid of them. In this country we have a phrase; chav. We also have another; wag. Look it up. A common example includes Cheryl Cole with her obvious hair extensions, massive hair, and wags; streaky fake tan. The streaks and the massive eye lashes and long faces hidden behind hair equal the hotties of British culture. I'm so not a part of that and it shows, that's what they were picking on, I know it, it's so damned obvious. I look goody goody, more than clean clut I probably look like a good little older Indian girl virgin, whatever the current cliche or urban crap is. What I don't get is there was a girl with really long tan legs today standing and every single man and woman were gazing at her in admiration. I could say things about her appearance, clearly she modelled herself more on Abi Clancy than Audrey Hepburn, which is not a bad thing in this country as lads mags readers have actually been known to consider Hepburn "plain," well yeah Hepburn dressed simply but to stunning non fussy effect, but I could see Clancy girl give me a look and I thought whatever streaky, I'm not at school. I think I look okay, I just don't look like you and I'm happy with that and me. But what is the deal with people and a certain look, you know? It's not the fact that it's not my look that affects me, it's the fact that my look should affect them because it doesn't fit their look. Why bother looking at me, if you only have bad things to say or have to glare? I really don't get this bitchy attitude. Someone said I have self esteem problems but funnily enough I don't and I think that causes problems. Maybe if I pretended I wasn't good enough to wear a dress, or covered my face with my hair, then I'd be the "shy girl." But I'm not a cliche. I'm shy but I'm also fiercely alive. There's so much blood pumping through these fucking veins!

I read on Social Phobia World, because naturally when you get enough shit you do develop social discomfort at the very least, that people pick up on this, this, this and this about you. SO where did the generosity go? To the fucking John Lewis advert?! I mean, millions or thousands or gazillions have allegedly tuned in for that and clicked on youtube for some sentimental advert but they don't have any humanity otherwise.

I really wish only the people I loved and liked were alive and the rest, dead. They are just VISCIOUS, HORRIBLE people. This is where I'm so clearly the opposite to Audrey Hepburn. It's my blog and I have to be honest. I'm not going to put on an act.

The sad thing is that I know my mum can tell what others think about me but she's covering it up. She's being protective and a mother. It's not easy to tell your child that they have say BO but it's a heck of a lot fucking harder to try and understand something that they do to others which causes hostility, annoyance and crap.

I can deal with this shit because I have since the age of 4, for some reason there's just always been something hasn't there hmm people of the world, the great public?!

I used to think it was my weight, I was solid, but it's not, it's CRAP. I can say it's my face or my eyes, or my feet or my hands, but there's nothing I can do outside of surgery and veils hair or cloth, to lessen this bullshit.

Well, I think people have problems but to have something like this, it makes me sad that people are so sensitive. I am and yet I deal with crap everyday, and I try and have a life. I don't want a medal, I just want people to realise that if they don't deal with this, they are lucky. Because I can tell you I would swap lives with someone who had cancer in a heartbeat. I worked with people who have cancer and I think they are far more amazing than me but I think I could deal with THAT pain.

Oh by the way the song Beautiful is on Glee. Originally by Christina Aguilera. Well she had it wrong. I disagree with all the lyrics of that song, it's for main stream society, not the one that even people on Social Phobia World can not quite understand. Still I appreciate the use of that song in Glee. I'm happy that the character will get something, I've been trying all my life to get something but no amount of work will get me that. That's not a put down, it's the truth so far. I'm not tired, just even more dedicated to me.

Happy Mermaids and Hepburn.