I had a policy that I wouldn't talk about my family on here

but problems stem from them and I have to talk about on here because when I do with them, we never make any progress. One is so set their ways and the other is so anti conflict and wants to keep the peace, they snap at people but they stand in the way. Part of it with everyone is an ego thing. I obviously have one too but my experiences have made me lose that I think, compared to them.

I may as well get straight to the point. One person ruined our morning. Their shouting and their impatience doesn't help me who wakes up at 7 regardless of what time I sleep and despite their shouting being the loudest, lack of communication makes things worse. The problem is that whilst the non conflict person is an angel to the outside world unintentionally, I am not. Even when I was young, it was don't give ....a hard time. And outside, people are always civil to shouter and it's because they turn on the charm. I don't but I smile a lot, that does nothing for other people's repulsion to me. Never mind being misunderstood, understatement, by outside, I'm misunderstood, again understatement, inside as well.

I had an operation whe I was young and since then have been left with a long faintish scar down my body. I'm am completely cool with it and if someone stares, I don't give a shit because if boob jobs, botox and hair extensions are okay, then so is a strange bit of skin on skin and at least I'm not a fake. Anyway, shouter insists I cover it up which means I can't wear low cut tops. No vest tops. No pretty lace tops. My wardrobe consists of t shirts and practical although pretty tops. That's not me. So not only have I got this image of a good girl which I hate because that's not who I am inside, not because I am who I am inside to rebel so no easy Freud analysis bullshit thanks, I have one of those faces that gets to people anyway. It's like fuck off and leave me alone. But they won't, so I have to deal with that. Where in myself do I find the capacity to deal with shouter and HER bullshit..which gets to the others? It's not about fair, I mean fair went out the window 20 years ago or whatever, when it comes to the world outside and inside, I just don't always have the strength to deal with this. The only time I do, I'm inside and no one is there, so when I'm alone.

I have explained things to people including my family and I have told them off, but they just won't take it on board and I get talked over even when I talk over them talking over me-this is not just my family. The cliche is I don't have a voice, in a lot of senses of the word if that makes sense, I shouldn't exist, and if I do, it should be on their (the other person's) terms. So I feel used like I was blogging a week ago. It's not that everything has come on top of each other and in a few days time I won't be stressed, I'm not stressed because I'm used to all this,all of this, it's the fact I have to blog about it. This is my friend who listens and doesn't interrupt.