Appearance, body image, beauty, envy, all that jazz.

I'll keep it short for now.

I read a book where I felt a little..angry is too strong a word..envious fits though, of the heroine's appearance. Not uncommon for me. I mean Comfort Food, Comfort Object made me also envy the heroine. Though Comfort Food didn't gives us details, just that the heroine was beautiful- well the hero says she's stunning and he saw something beautiful and decided to break it. In Comfort Object, the heroine would also be stunning. Red hair, green exotic eyes. Deep In The Woods a book I read today- she's Snow White to the hero. Her face is pale, her hair jet black, her face is shaped leonine it's described and her eyes pale pale violet. Lucky her, I thought. The hero is captivated and then I went from thinking lucky her, to I'm nothing like her. I mean I'm not stunning, I don't mean it in a self depricating way. There's just nothing contrasting in my appearance. I have jet black hair AND dark eyes. And yeah okay my skin contrasts with my hair but that's about it. I see contrasts in my body and I am happy with the way I look but why do I get made to feel I'm lacking? I mean it's not the authors..is it? God, I'm being an illogical bitch. It's ME.

I know bullying made me more sensitive about my appearance and even though I've changed, I'm no stunner, I don't have people showing me interest like the heroine in Deep In The Woods. It's actually the opposite with me. I mean you know, from reading my previous blog posts.

Look, I'm happy with myself. Okay bottom line- I sometimes wish I looked like HER, you know the woman you read about or the woman you see in the mall never mind the fucking magazine, sorry I tend to swear late in the nights, it's partly to amuse myself,I don't think I'm ugly. I can look ugly. When I don't get sleep for nights on end, I look so drained- I get so pale and I think my face is too big and round..but I could go on.

I DO think I'm worthy and when I insult myself like this I'm insulting my Sir, yes you read right and no you won't get any more details, but this is what I feel inside. I guess I need to change and I KNOW I need to be more confident. Because I know I can love myself and be sexual and be so free, but I also know how much I want to hide when I go outside. Get noticed, I do get a little thrill but get mocked, I have to deal with that and not let it affect me.

Sometimes I think, what if HE thinks I'm lacking?

So this is the truth, and I needed to say this.

And the worst of it is, I intended to type this for him but just clicked on this site and got typing here. That says so much about how I'm using this site and who I am. Yes, push away the real and use a space, use it to vent in a passive aggressive way.

Oh.

Love songs sound better.

I understand the smaller lines in them.

I take more care over my appearance. I want to look as beautiful as I can be.

I'm pushing myself work wise, when I'm outside, when I write, when I read. Erotica is a big passion of mine, now reading, reading a GOOD book is a passion of mine.

I'm learning to control myself. Rise above the bad, and it's working.

I'm not in love.

No, I have no rosy outlook. But I see a future.

And actually, I'm scared of what could be.

If you ask me, since my realisation from last week, part of me wishes I hadn't had it- because then I could hide and be mediocre. But now, I have to put myself out there and I know the difference between my daily life outside in the world I don't belong in, I don't in the sense of someone who's just an outsider, a nobody, and how I am the same person I am now, writing this, to how I am in this daily life.

A million things run through me each second.

When I see other people, I see that they see something in me, not of worth. Fuck them.

There's no "victory march" There may never be closure. There may never be social victory. But I know what there will be and I urge any woman to go out there and go for it. No success, no failures, just experience after experience, you learn from both good and bad and the bad can be so hurtful and lethal, but you will survive- and I'll bet you'll survive because you took that chance of putting yourself out there.

I'm going to post this on fetlife as well.

What category this would fit into there and anywhere else, I don't know.

Everyone has their beliefs. I think people change but I don't think you can make someone change or a group change. Not that I want to manipulate anyone but I've often had people say I am broadminded. I'm not special, I can articulate but I don't think of myself as a big deal, because humanity, broadmindednes, the ability to articulate I believe comes with experience and requires no special skill or talent, I think every human should have at least humanity and be broadminded. My point in posting on here is that I have seriously been thinking why I want to participate in the bdsm lifestyle. And to me it will be a lifestyle. I want to evolve. I was going to use the word pushed but I don't want to be pushed in terms of pain for the sake of it. I will go through pain, I will enjoy it because of the person giving me it.

Under no circumstances, do I want to be bullied. There are times where I have felt, hurt me. Hurt me like I hurt inside. The person who gives me the pain, who gives me what they want to give me, should respect me too. And someone who respects me wouldn't hurt me without a reason. That doesn't imply that hurting me with a reason means they respect me. I don't believe in that.

I don't understand human nature. I don't understand giving strangers a hard time. I don't understand putting someone down. Sure, I'm told it's because of such and such reason but I have no patience or empathy for that. In time, I have become stronger, I think faster, I work harder. Cliche but so, so true for me and I would say a fair few people.

What I am looking for is someone or some people who believe in what I have said above. Those who believe different, unless you harm other people, I don't have a problem with you and I would love to mix with you but I won't do anything sexual with you. Well, I think I won't. I'm horny. I'm incredibly aroused most of the time. I tingle, I crave and I need but I value what I have written which has come about after thinking furiously for the past few days.

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than not be with someone who I can get into a relationship with which is selfless, and I do believe some are, and real connection. Love? I know that word, I know that feeling but I believe MORE in a real connection. To look for kink? It's not the be all and end all. I think there's an element of kink in "vanilla" relationships and so I would gladly go as vanilla as needed or as kinky as needed. It all depends on the relationship because I don't define relationships by kinky or not and they don't make the whole of that relationship.

I don't just want to explore my sexuality, I want to live. The bad, by that I mean the mistakes, I will take, I'll go through it, I want to learn, I have my beliefs as I've written above but I'm human like everyone else and nothing special, no more intelligent, I believe special comes from the bdsm, I actually do believe that and not because someone is better than someone else. I will leave those labels for society. I'm not looking for acceptance no matter that it hurts I don't get it from others because it should and will, I know from experience, only come from me.

Okay, essay over and just one more thing, don't judge me from my appearance. Whether that's your natural instinct, just remember that face you see is in a snapshot. If you see me in person, you still don't see all of me.

To do. Week of 25th.

1. Let nothing stop you. Nothing. Remember your priorities, rise above bullshit, rise above the superficial, remember yourself, do yourself proud.

2. Ring for a job every morning and then update your CV, letters and personal statements. Focus on libraries for the next three days. This includes chasing up.(I leave my current job in two weeks).

3. Chores.

4. Read The Story of O and blog about it.

5. Keep in touch with fetlife everyday. I've joined a site that I will blog about later. I won't give too much away in the sense of talking about other people on there.

First of all, the internet is full of real bullshit. What, I didn't already know that?

But yesterday I found out that I lost some pretty major papers. The worst is when you are responsible for them for someone else as well as yourself. I freaked. Today, I rang up and am getting duplicates sent out. Those duplicates aren't for my peace of mind, they are necessary, I need these papers.

In my search and casting my mind back, I realised that not only did I need so and so set of papers, I needed these others. The whole thing is very odd. Yes I am a messy, untidy person but I found every other thing yesterday but what I was looking for. For me, that's rarely ever the case. I always put myself through hell and stick with it. I take a little break even though I don't want to and go back. I did this four times yesterday. Today I just feel tired.

In the night, I had to sleep knowing that my problem wasn't solved and that I had no clue as to whether it would be, you see to a get a duplicate of one of my papers I read would be a real problem, I didn't even know who to call. I just made a list of possibilities. It was out of my depth. Now it's sorted and I thank my lucky stars that I got someone very on the ball and cooperative on the phone. They made my call easy and trust me after having the line go dead on me for the other set of papers call, that was a relief. I am so thankful to this person. They better follow through!

As better the other people.

I can't believe the shit I read over the net. I know policies vary but talk about scaring someone. And they weren't advertising anything and they were posting of recent things, so clearly they have their information wrong. Or their company is just VERY different.

When I went to sleep, I dreamt and stuck so close to my fantasy of being dominated. That came up because I wanted someone to lean on. Strength that I didn't have. I am independant but I wanted to hear, everything is going to be okay.

I couldn't sleep properly.

Our will can be strong. Sometimes we stick to illusions or fantasies or thoughts, certain thoughts because and or especially when we can't face the reality or problems. I wanted to run away last night. I wouldn't know where to go. A hotel would make me even more depressed. But I wanted to stay with a friend. She would know who she is though she may doubt it. I have two very good female friends far far away. And there's one lady who I really feel something with, like we could be close friends too.

I want to feel alive and young. Even when I was young I was afraid. I realise this is a thing with me. But I also know I can get through it and I am good in situations despite the fear. This morning I ROCKED.

It's selfish to want people when you're in need, otherwise to push them away and to push away people who are already there when you're in trouble otherwise you want them.

This is in my head so much. I can't stop not only thinking but FEELING about this.

Five reasons I want to submit to a dominant.

I can say this has been building up for some time and came to a head early this morning.

So I have been thinking, thinking, thinking even more than I usually do. I questioned myself a lot, brought a lot of stuff up.

I asked myself, am I only swept away by a good book?

Do I just want something exciting, a possibility of that?

Can I imagine myself doing what a sub does? The rules vary, I know.

Do I want to be submissive in this relationship?

Just because something affects you to the extent you're having dreams about it and crying, doesn't mean it's for you.

Am I only into kink?

Well, to answer those, and to quite frankly say out loud I want to submit to a dominant because that's what I WANT and NEED, here are my reasons,

I was jealous when I read the book. First I was suprised that actually I wanted what Emily has. Then I realised well she lucked out and that the book in a way is kind of an extension of the deepest, truest themes in romance. To me, that's how I feel anyway. Sure, it's not conventional. The fact it isn't conventional, I questioned myself on that, is that why I'm into it too? No, I want to be pushed. I want the fear. I want a man who pushes me, who excites me, and perhaps makes me fear him on some level, I want a man like this in my life. Do I just want a man in my life? Whilst I can't deny that a man would be good, I do know that a simple relationship when it comes to me is going to turn kinky. As quoted from the author, I want domination, not the illusion.

Whilst it's certainly something different, it overwhelms me. The fact that it's differnt and the fact it's actually becoming so clear that is what I must do. I felt excited when I took photos of myself but with this, it goes further, not because it involves another person, or perhaps more we shall see, but because it's something that's in me and I'm very clear about it now. Knowing what I want is not exciting, it's something else. It fills me with other emotions that I can't quite explain straightaway.

I won't be involved with someone who is into minors, grandmas for the sake of it. I will say that I think I like humiliation. I will say that I'm on the fence about pain. I want to be spanked silly but I don't know if the pain will turn me on even though the idea and concept and thoughts behind it, are so arousing to me. Today my shoes were not comfortable and I liked that they made me taller , yes it's wrong (but I stand out more) and a part of me liked that they weren't comfortable. I'm not sure if I will submit to just any man or a man whom I have a bond with. If you ask me, I think I do want attention. I think that book affected me also because the hero paid her so much attention, but I am shy and I am introverted. Though I do know that sometimes I will smile the widest and laugh the loudest and that's because I love myself in that moment, I'm on a buzz in that moment. I'm not comfortable but that buzz is there. Yes push me, use me, humiliate me, disgust me, I want to try my best. This isn't a subject to pass, this is me I don't know really being pushed, but also having that interaction which despite my shyness, I need.

Punishing a man physically, by teasing, though... I can't forget that entirely. Do I "only" want to submit? For the most part.

I cried because I realised this is what I want and how much I want it. I don't know if my reasons are right but I do know I must go after this. I'm scared and it's no adrenaline buzz for me in the idea itself but I need to do this.

Am I only into kink? No. But I must have it in my life to some extent. The problem is I don't just want the illusion and is role play enough for me? Will I put this before love? I really do not know.

A while ago I wrote a story called Nice Guy. I've yet to write after the point where we get the impression she wants him to rape her. When I started writing erotica, I was deprived but I also wrote about not coming, being pushed and there's a lot of spanking- but when it comes down to it, a spank can be different to punishment and I think I really want the punishment.

To be under someone's thumb. I think actually yeah. To be repressed? Am I saying that soon I will have no problem with arranged marriages? No. And I think being repressed is something else,I think that's when you do what others want and not because inside, you're getting off on it but there will be a line which can blur, are you getting off on it because he wants it? Or someone else wants it?

Books are different. Reality is not glamourous. But I don't want glamour. I've thought about being dragged around someone's basement flat on a leash and I'm even wanting to see how I would feel like that. Like, I need to know. I need to experience. I didn't think I would want to but I do. So glamour is not important and people talk about looks, not valid either to me. I do like reading about dominant men who are control of their bodies however and I like to be in controlof my own, I'm just now wondering if that's what I like and not men being in control too? I can't deny seeing strong muscles doesn't turn me on but I know that won't make me be a sub.

Love isn't this force. It's a bunch of feelings and a whole load of protection. It may feel like a force but there's no thunder bolt though it can be dramatic at times. Love..let me see in the future if that's more important that submitting in itself to a dominant. Not that that can't turn into true love in some way, but I know that I am someone who is independant in my spirit too. Meaning, I don't need love for the sake of it, though not denying it's not nice. I'd just rather have powerful over nice for now at least.

I'd like to go into the bdsm lifestyle. I can imagine being ignored there also but I have to do it, not to try but because I want to go into this lifestyle. Lifestyle. Yes, that's what I want. Meaning I don't just want the illusion of dominance. I want to be dominated.

Sorry that was more than five I know and also another thing -I have a mouth and temper on me.

OH NO.

I just found out McG, as in this director is directing the Spring Awakening movie.

Can someone tell me something good about his directing style that would make the movie not lack depth and tell me it won't just come across as one big MTV video? Charlie's Angels was a mistake, right, people make mistakes, he can actually have a vision, we just didn't get to see it yet, right.. No really, this is a plea. OH MY GOD.

Be broadminded. Be broadminded. Be broadminded. Chant and take deep breaths. The decision for McG (oh please don't make me type that again!) is not based on money, MTV, it's not style over substance with no edge, the musical sounds very edgy and now...

*cries*

But you haven't yet seen the musical, just because Jonathan Groff is ...oh faint..so TALENTED and can make a weasel like Jesse charismatic doesn't mean Spring Awakening is..

no I give up I read what it's about, it has all sorts of stuff to sink teeth into, that's what I'm worried about, that something will get glossed over by THIS director in the movie and we'll just get ..will we even get great musical performances anymore or just generic eye candy CRAP?

I REALLY need my space.

I realised just now how uncomfortable I get in the minute I realise I ain't gonna have it. I NEED my space. Part of it is because no matter what anyone says, I'm an introvert. I hate confrontation, I hate noise, I hate crowds, I hate attention, not all types so much, again no matter what anyone says, whilst I have an exbitionist streak in me, it's a streak, that's not who I am 24/7. If someone comes round, I have to make an effort in the sense I have to literally make an effort to talk to them. I would rather come across rude but I just get nervous about people coming around, plural, singular.

When I'm free I get this joy, this peace but if someone is around and they're not family or a close friend, I don't. It's not their fault, it's me. As a result, I have my door shut as someone entertains this person- they came around for them, not me otherwise I would make that effort no matter how much I needed my space and got nervous.

It's actually pissing me off. The thing is you say this to someone who's not like you, they're think you're weird and will just say okay I'll give you a day's notice. Shit, I'd get nervous at a day's notice and over think.

I guess when I'm outside, I'm so tense that when I come back home, I just feel ahhhhh, YES! So like I say I really need that and to not have that, even if it's once in a blue moon, makes me edgy.

Just like the girl in the photo, my head looks to the ground, I actually have to make an effort to lift it. To others, this is weird, rude, weird, weird, weird but to me that is how I've been since I was young. I make little eye contact when I don't speak to people because of past experiences and because I'm introverted and shy. There are much harder things in life but my heart beats out of chest most of the time when I'm outside and lifting my head becomes this whole thing of okay where I do make eye contact, something which has been commented on, of course, is anything I do my own? Which makes this blog totally hypocritical I know, I know.

Anyway, outside, I pretend I'm looking at a building so I can avoid meeting the cars on the road, ah yes incidentally someone clever person decided it would just make my day by honking their horn at me. I looked at them but obviously they are moving along, on the OPPOSITE side of the road and I don't know any one in that town where I was today. I noticed they had dark skin, maybe they were Indian in which case probably shitty Indian males and females who think I'm hilarious to look at, I've had that before from them or they're African men and some of whom have this thing with me. I know there's curiosity and freedom of expression but the concept of everyone is different clearly flew over the heads of some people. I hate Indian people as a whole. I'm Indian but I find them too old fashioned and bitchy.

Some people say smile, break out of your shell and break out of your comfort zone. I'm making an effort for my sake, but you have to give me room too, and back off.

I need some proper food.

Let me start with rectifying a mistake; lack of topless men on my blog.

Back to the problem! Food...

The only non processed food I eat daily are my fruits, 2 plums and a banana, that's all I can take because I hate HATE fruit, and salad. Even on my salad I must have some pesto and couscous/snack a jacks (rice cakes cut up and put into a crisp packet and they've got all manner of stuff on them, they're SO processed). I just love taste but that's the thing, it has to have that zing to it. So, then I'm having low fat ready meals like a curry OR a pizza. I make sure the pizza is small or has a very thin base. And the curry is low fat but of course it's processed and the pizza, when I look at these foods in their uncooked state, alarm bells don't sound, they're not greasy, a little oily "that's all." (We need SOME oils surely!).

Did I mention I. CAN. NOT. COOK. I tried, it's horrible, I can not eat my own food.

Also, I hate vegetables. *ducks slightly*

When someone cooks for me, that's fine, I'll eat the cooked veg but I just would need to take lessons to actually fill my stomach up and have the nutrition at the same time. Irony, I took home economics at school! But come on they only taught us to make cakes and boxes for cakes. I shit you not. I made like two dishes in the two years, My GOd two years of that nonsense, and they were both bland as shit.

I fuck up rice and pasta even.

The supermarket has more ready meals than anything else meal wise. Oh I hate soup. I'M SORRY!

I just need to do something because food is kind of the enemy. If I eat a potato dish, I will be SATISFIED but then I'll work out. I always feel my stomach swell after eating anything so I'm taking this Activia yoghurt which helps digestion and to be honest I don't have a problem with letting go if you know what I mean.

I drink water mostly and even though I don't have a sweet tooth, guess what I've demolished a carton of microwave pop corn (sweet) and two chocolate biscuit bars. *sighs*

Boy am I going to walk tomorrow.

That brings me onto comfort. I've realised just how important that is. Today I put on my boots. They're near knee high, nice looking but sensible, not a spiky heel in sight (damn it!) but I was suprised as to how uncomfortable I was on my soles and that's where the pressure is when you walk, well isn't it? Anyway, I've been wearing these casual/sporty shoes for months, sometimes I wear my wedge sandals on weekends, and you know it wasn't comfort that made me into my casual sporty shoes. It was their colour. From dull brown and black, I got me some sparkle and some colour. It was nice! I like colour. I obviously have a girly side. Who knew! My God my ideal wardrobe would be no trousers, just skirts but, I won't bore you now with what I have typed before on the subject. Oh don't worry I haven't ruled them out. I try on a lot of clothes and I don't dismiss straight away but you have to be my height to know what I'm talking about. There's a reason I shop in petite and there's a reason you have to be a very dedicated shopper to not scream when you do that. Leave it at that for now. And I have a nice weekend dress and two nice dress one. And a nice beach one. Because I live right next to one of course. *scoffs* I look good dresses and I feel GREAT in them.

ANYWAY, so I find also that my comfortable shoes are the most versatile. Walking is my life. The days I don't have a big long walk, they're not as good for me. I need it to sleep. I haven't walked properly for three days. *frazzled!* ANYWAY, my actual point is that I'm all about loving my height now. Not just accepting it. It's okay, the past is the past. Other people will always have their prejudices, that's their problem and I will just have to get used to being even shorter now I value my comfort. My feminity and sexuality are in my head. I know women my height are refered to as dumpy, stumpy and when someone called Hayden Panetiere beautiful, another woman bitchily replied no Nicole Kidman is beautiful, Hayden is merely girl next door. Why can't both be beautiful? There is a stress on height. I used to think it was just Asian people, you know because they wanted something different so they preferred the taller women, both men and women, 5ft 4 is always better than 5f2 that kind of thing, but it's not. But since when should that be my problem. And I haven't seen the cliche of small and cute or petite and feminine work when it comes to men. Maybe if you fit the beauty mold in other respects or are "elfin" but being yourself isn't going to get you noticed. But again, why would I want to waste my time with these type of men even if they are in the majority. And I know the comments, two women wear the same dress, the woman with bigger boobs and longer legs they prefer. So what, if they're on some evolutionary trip. How is that my problem? I gotta be me. Time to be grown up.

I post a link to a blog where I can follow my fellow shorties, by the way only cool if said with love and not looking down on us, we have names and which don't start with little!
http://almostfivefeet.blogspot.com/

p.s. I'm over 5ft. Not that it matters but just wanted to clarify in case you ever meet me one day.

Hate between the sexes. Do men hate women? Do women hate men? Do I hate men? Do they hate me?

It started off as an innocent enough search. I was watching some sex documentaries, oh come on they're fun AND you get to learn something (well actually you don't), and then I got to searching for Bettie Page. Then I somehow got onto "So right it's wrong.Conservative women I'd like to hate fuck." Anyone seen this list? Apparently Playboy published it and then took it away from their website. The idea of this list shocks me. Hate fuck. That phrase..

I mean I've heard anger sex but the way women are referred to in this list, words and sentences like her eyes are batshit crazy or you'd be better off sucking so and so and she's pregnant she stays pregnant, Karma's a bitch.

I'm not likening this list to Maxim's one where they list women they find ugly. I also don't think that putting a spotlight on women with big breasts is the same as this hate fuck list. But I do wonder, do men hate women? Do women hate men? Like, in general? I see the bigger picture. A douche is a douche no matter their sex but I don't trust men. I think they are superficial. There I said it. More superficial than women. I think their "superificial-ness" is something they use more than women, it's more relevant in their day to day life. I will hold up my hands and say there are exceptions but that's my general view of men. I don't hate men though.

The thing is when a man hates a woman, he can rape her. When a women hates a man, she can date rape him, or she can be violent but a man can straight away stick his dick into a woman without consent and ...

I have a reason for my mistrust in men. I have a history with men. I think some women do. A different history to mine and mine is no where near extreme or violent. And just to clarify I haven't been raped. If I didn't have that history, I would still think men are superficial on the whole as a gender but I would be more open to accept that's not the case.

Some women like my mum have been good friends with men and also been seen as sexually attractive to men. When I asked my mum once, why are men aggressive, like when standing up for someone, they can willingly call a woman a cunt, or they bellow when they shout, or get angry quickly, not that women don't but I've seen this more in men, she said it's testosterone. But that also works in good ways. I told her I didn't like this testosterone thing much.

Now I can only speak as a woman. Obviously. If you're a man you will probably hate me for writing this. If you're a woman you might too. But in writing this, I feel I should be honest about me too, my feelings.

So if a man and woman walks into the room, I will more likely make eye contact with the woman. I will trust the woman more. Unless the man smiles at me, if a human regardless of their gender smiles at me, I will make eye contact with them because I like politeness and humanity. But if none of them smile initially, it will be the woman whom I make friends with. This is based on my experience with men and my opinions.

Honestly, do I hate men? A little yes. Why? Because of some of my experiences. I don't feel all men are the same but I can't trust a man face to face. If I'm not shy around them, I will be uncomfortable around them whereas with women, I don't have this at all.

I know men don't hate me. I think some women and men say they do but I know they think of me, if that, as something that bugs. I could imagine being attacked by a man though. I think in a moment, he could become angry with me even if I said nothing at all.

But to hate fuck? NO.

There is a side to me that has a use me, fuck me and then leave me alone thing. This applies to random strange men. Not ones I have befriended to any extent. It would serve, in my mind, as a catharsis.

And yes the odd time I have "imagined" rape. Again, a catharsis. Wound me physically to this extent so the damage some humans have done to me emotionally is ..I don't know, balanced? Or shows. Because emotional damage on a woman that doesn't have a fragile face..it's like even if my body is thin, I'm seen as sturdy. Hurt me because I can take it- I feel that's how others see me. No one has ever said don't pick on her.

It's either that, or they don't care. They know I'm hurting but that doesn't matter.

But despite it all, I can have a normal relationship. I can be so giving and in love. I'm generous in sex. I don't want to please men. I have my own needs to please. Photos you see of me are because of ME. I'm an exhibitionist. My point about relationships, is I like the man I am in a relationship with. I love certain men, I really like certain men. It's the human in them. I can recognise it but I won't trust the MAN fully. I feel I can't.

I read a quote about Bettie Page. "Her pose and smile said come play with me. Not use me or degrade me."

I believe in that quote entirely. I don't think men hated her. I think they loved her. Not just felt lust for her but I think they trusted her as a woman. She was a man's woman. Not just a sex symbol. Am I wrong? I actually ask that question by the way!

The bondage I felt was not out of a man wanting to hate fuck her. Or what I think is seperate to a hate fuck unless it's taken further, rape her. It was simply for the reason I want to get spanked. It's enjoyable.

So, I don't have any answers. I can go round in circles. I'll come to a close here. It's not easy bringing this up. I don't enjoy the fact it will anger people but like I say I do have to wonder. I have to wonder about how objectifying women ..how that affects hate between the sexes. I have to wonder about status, values, religion, class, culture, experience, personality, personal rape...all these things in our life affecting hate between the sexes. Do you hate men? Do you hate women? Do you think men and women hate each other?

And one more thing, do men get angered by women who aren't submissive in their natures? If they are submissive in the bedroom, when you see a woman taking charge, what do you really feel?

Better to love than to hate.

The other day someone took a picture and the more I looked at it, the more the bad stuff came back. It was like I blamed what I saw in that picture for the bad stuff and it's true it could well have been the target all along. It was also a surprise. Part of me thinks this is the way the light hit it and made what was in the picture look bigger. It wasn't necessarily the size of what was in the picture, it was that I didn't recognise it, it looked foreign, it looked more like my old self and of course, heaven forbid one must keep up the facade. The idea that only pointy and thin can captivate, this is an idea I see all around but perhaps I only see the thin part and don't look deeper, the very thing that I call society on, perhaps I am as guilty.

So I decided better than to hate my face, I'm going to love it to pieces, no matter what.

I have become fascinated with Mullholland Drive and David Lynch. This is a whole new world to me. Of course when I read and see something intelligent, I see someone praised for their beauty and then I look up things and then I compare their impressions on people to the ones I make. But if I think like this then I'm being dragged down by those who are superficial and childish. I'm so much more than that so I shouldn't be dragged down to their level even if sometimes it would be so much easier to fit in for the purpose you don't get targetted. But then who would target someone? That's the thing, it's from a bad place and you'll end up very mad if you take their weakness on and blame yourself. Afterall, if what's different about you is a problem for someone else, then why should YOU have to change that? It's easier but also what if it can't change? Then what are you going to do? Surgery? It's extreme, the whole concept is extreme. Why all this hate? We get that from outside, why feel it inside? Why not turn to love? Why not love yourself? Why not write your own rules?

Imagine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=okd3hLlvvLw

The link is to the original by John Lennon.

The song is perfect and I have no patience with anyone who gets angry with the lyrics or takes it like oh well he's talking about no possessions but look at his big house and piano, he's talking about not prioritising them. I mean even I can understand that and you must be very angry to not get this.

I will mention Glee's version regardless of what people say, that oh no you can't possibly compare the two! I will say that Lennon is an ICON, just an amazing, humane man, that's why he was amazing to me because I felt the love from him, in this video his face looks so peaceful, he just looks beautiful.

But Glee's version is also breathtaking. "Mercedes" sings the lyrics like she's calling out and putting a point across, her character has a lot of humanity, it's not a mere sing along to a very humane and simple but soulful song. The episode in which Imagine is sung by Glee is one of my absolute favourites and will still be because the characters realise they need to learn that very simple lesson that is unbelievably and yet so many times overlooked, it's a cliche but almost everyone will overlook this, you need to be yourself. Don't lose yourself, believe in yourself to know what your strength is and show the world that strength, the rest is out of your control but you have to believe in yourself and give away some control.

You know, people do change and not everyone judges and not all humans are the same because that's "just the way human nature is." I think John Lennon changed in the sense I think he was open and really learned stuff in his life.

Imagine.

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

RIP John Lennon.

Have a peaceful weekend and be yourself. When someone puts you down, lift your head up higher, you're better than them no matter the impression they give of having it all, they clearly lack the more important things. Ba for now.

I'm getting closer to what I want career wise but it could be tricky.

I've been treated selfishly in life, avoided, mocked, belittled, it makes me selfish too. I don't want to share my pleasure in sex unless the person is completely deserving. Why am I wasting my time giving and not getting? The money at the moment isn't going to pay my bills. Human interaction is necessary because it's necessary not to make that divide between you and others so great, the world is full of people, what more can I say. So I need something with human interaction as well as being able to sink my teeth into something and I'm interested in all aspects of sex. I want to be in research, I'd say presenting but I'll have to get thicker skin for the shit that would come with that, a speaker..but working to serve men? No. I can't do it. I need something back. I need to not be used.

"Fear of not being liked, of being alone, of the consequences of escaping and standing up for your rights and life, are strong motivators that make women pull each other back down to where it is sad but safe and familiar."

It says women but I believe men can be as bitchy as women. I feel that not being liked as a person and also my image, and being alone and standing up for my rights is my life, it's being made my life and I actually believe in it. My differences will always be their problem. But why should it be mine? That's my point. I WILL stand up for my rights, to be ME whether that's different or not. Someone asked me if I was interested in psychology and I straight away always said no. I don't want to understand prejudices, I don't need reasons, I don't need closure, I'm not interested in behaviour. Humans don't fascinate me, but some of their actions, like what Shakespeare wrote, his flair, that fascinates me.

My eyes are opening, I am maturing but boy am I behind in terms of my career.


Yesterday I was watching this programme about this Indian princess and she comes to England, she is so different to the other girls and the people she meets here, but she always being called shy, anxious. She is NOT. She is just different but I could see they label me the same as her. Moody. Shy. You see someone's looks and you have your labels, they don't perform like a seal and your labels are even more justified in your head. It's this narrowmindedness, I am different to and so is she. Here's to the person, the individual and broadening a life.

Wow.

It has been made news, because this is what news is, that an actor called Brad Pitt has shaved off his beard. Since that existential crisis has now been solved, I feel I have to play with balance and in doing so take my inspiration from Obama. More specifically The White House lawn. Folks, I'd stay off ebay, don't go on there in search of Pitt's beard, harmful people are on trying to make a buck and if someone sells you a doormat, I'd tread with caution if I were you.

Take care, it's definitely a tricky world out there.

Oh the truth and the concept of adulthood.

Going for a look or doing what you want to yourself physically versus being like someone else or "bettering" yourself.

Bettering. Think about that word.

The survival of the fittest. Are we still animals? Haven't evolved? don't have minds? Hearts? Souls? This is just weepy, cliched, "hippy" stuff?

We go through our own journeys and we can go to an extreme, after all even the non conformists have their own prejudices and biases and rules. I like the middle ground but mostly I'll do what it takes to be me. And you Vogue, and you Nuts and you little boys in men's bodies, and you women who just can't leave other women alone whether you're jealous or just plain pathetic inside, you all can stick together, you can stick your love up your asses, don't ever include me, I will never love you back. Bye mainstream and bye non conformists who are sneery and snide, the bye is where the pleasure lies. We will meet and co exist and you will smirk as I smile but a smirk means nothing, it does nothing on a big scale.

This is really difficult I find.

Writing about a topic is easy but when it comes to jobs, I find that hard. I really don't know what I want to do with my life and that makes looking for a job some what difficult. I mean what job to look for? I have ideas for, at least in the future, paid work.

1. Sex columnist. Either More magazine or Esquire (I'm pushing it I know). I'd like to have my column and a photo of me, capturing what I am trying to say in the column. The photos would be pushing it in terms of the fact I don't fit into any stereotypes of magazine beauty but some people may appreciate different, but the photos are not necessary, just an idea.

2. Sex therapist except I'd have to get more qualifications. But this would also involve human interaction as opposed to being stuck indoors writing. That's why I could never write for a living. Man, is it boring after a while. I get a rush when I can finally transfer my ideas onto the screen but I'd rather be more hands on, actions rather than words.

3. Assistant on a movie. I know again pushing it but movies are a big part of my life. Assistant director, stand in for an actor...oh wow I'm really pushing it here.

4. Working as part of a MUNCH team. Promotion, organising events, pushing limits like going to a dungeon, researching. I don't know how possible any of this is at all.

5. I've been thinking about other jobs, working with the elderly. But that's kind of a last option with me because I'm more into the sexual or movie side thing of things. I don't want to work in a theatre anymore. I don't want to work to help stop bullying, not at the moment and I don't want to work with regards to self esteem,not directly anyway, I'm being selfish in terms of my goals, I also don't want to do phone work forever because I want more face to face interaction, I really need to do that, no fixing things, no cleaning, no manual labour though it once appealed to me. More fresh air stuff. One last thing, I'd like to be a guide outdoors in parks. I'd love to be out for the most part of the day and I feel I need that.

6. I would be interested in working as part of the Sex How to Do Everything Team.

7. I am willing to sacrifice some freedom to do what I want to do, I don't know what I love until I try these options.

8. Working in a sex shop.

9. Receptionist in some sex venue.

10. I will look up on 1 and do the hard work for that tomorrow, I am so exhausted right now but I need to do one option on here each day, fully, not half the work. So I will report on each option each day.

11. This list has really helped me know what I want to do and in terms of looking at what I want to do. Processing my thoughts.

Wacky.

Last night I had two wacky dreams. One gave me inspiration to blog about crushes and how they happen all the time and it's part of feeling. Movies and books and tv are odd when it comes to crushes. They promote the glamour of love and some of them manage to convey the importance of self and some fail in doing so. But they mostly promote the idea that a crush has to be reciprocated whereas I am a firm believer in having a crush because you are a human with feelings and that's all it is, in this state.

In my first dream I had two crushes. Formed quite quickly on two different people. This was a fun dream and not all serious, I even felt light hearted in the dream although a little in love. One guy was this disciple type person and an intelligent human being. He was older than me. The second guy has this friendly face, nearer my age, he reminded me A LOT of Jessie from Glee whose talent and voice I just love. It's not surprising that he was in my dream, but the first guy took me by surprise and even in the dream was a surprise to me, because of his fatherly (not to me!) position I had never thought of him in any other way.

Each guy was a force to be reckoned with. I don't need to interpret this dream to know that a woman should never settle for a man that isn't a force to be reckoned with. No looks shit, I know some people have preferences but for me, whilst I may think Jake from Twilight has the cutest face, I don't only fantasise about him, in fact I don't think I have ever done so to the extent I do about other people. I'm very broadminded not in a patronising way but in the sense I see things others don't see and that's probably why I don't have a problem with the way I look the way other people do when it comes to the way I look. I honestly believe beauty is everywhere and today I made sure beauty didn't escape from me. It's not because of my dream I would say, but I walked around like I didn't care, I was on a mission and any looks were trash/unimportant.

In my second dream, I was holding hands with Artie from Glee. I like Artie, I like Kurt, I think Kurt is good looking and I also like Jessie and although Finn is a superficial jock bonehead, I think he has a sweet, genuine smile. My point, I don't have this mad crush on Artie, Jessie got my heart going a little because of his talent and I'm a big personality person, looks are kind of blah to me, I can appreciate them I just don't go gaga over them, but in this dream I was at an airport having reached my destination. I ended up forming this close bond with Artie and we held hands as if just breathing. We went out together in the night and perhaps his male friends were there too but it was fun. Then I woke up but the hand holding felt so nice and so natural. It reminded me of this one dream I had where I formed another intense bond, never mind having a crush it was a bond, with someone and it was like our souls literally needed each other. It was a great reminder that I must never sell out.

Shunning society. In particular Western

not that Eastern sounds so great! But Western society ruins lives. Shit about a woman not being able to happy because she only has fame and no children, this written by another woman is absolute inhumane shit and obviously the reason as to why women are so bitchy to each other. They hate each other. My hate is for humans but they actually hate another woman's femininity. Sure, I think some women are overrated, like 6ft blondes and it's again Western society that makes them some kind of Goddesses to men and think they're something special, no one is more special just because they have more height and a bottle of peroxide to enhance what's already there. In shunning the popular ideas, I shun most men too. No one forces you guys to make fools over the Elle Macphersons and Uma Thurmans of this world but you do anyway and you say it's because it's in your nature and you're visual..if you're visual then you'd notice these women aren't the perfections you think they are. Why? Cos they're no more Goddesses than the average women. It all just leads me to believe you guys are into collecting trophies. Have fun fucking your models and wannabes. I'd rather fuck a real person and I believe in that term it means someone who isn't afraid of being human and non airbrushed. Happy cloning.

Snapping out of it is not something that should be told

to someone who doesn't want to leave their house out of fright. Get over it is another offense. Just be glad you can leave the house without cold fear, sweat and nerves. I'm glad I can do that now but I went through a time where I nauseous with all of this and as soon as I went out, it made me want to stay in more and more, forever really. The thing is I feel better with a routine, when I have tasks every day and I like to do mundane things like clean. Obviously I also want the deeper things in life. I want to challenge myself but I know that things will be more difficult the more out there in the world I am. At the moment I limit myself, I do the bare minimum outside and there's only so much I can do inside. And I don't live in a house with a garden, I just can't stay indoors for more than a week without going crazy and retreating further and further even though it's sometimes a welcome break from the madness I experience when I'm out there, I feel ill emotionally and physically. My skin turns so so sallow and I have minor breathing problems too for some odd reason. But there was a time I had to make staying indoors my life. What brought me to blog about this wasn't too much time on my hands, today has been a productive day and I'm tired in a good way, it's that yesterday I watched videos on youtube about body dysmorphia. I had such a shit time out there, because no matter how much I project confidence when things get no better and I have several little experiences, it becomes intolerable for me, I felt so angry. I still do. So I wanted to watch something specific.

In one video, there's comments not just by the usual haters on sites like this, but educated people though not educated in BDD clearly, say snap out of it, get over yourself. We all know the world outside. People starving, getting killed, I know that but I didn't leave the house because I wanted the attention, I didn't leave because I literally could not. And snapping out of it for that brief time you go out, you get your reasons as to why you can't go outside, for me not mentally but the stares, the mocks, the snide comments, they all affected me emotionally that I thought oh God it's too viscious out there, I survived school where I was bullied every day but I don't have to take this shit now and so I won't. I still feel this way but I know I HAVE to go out.

So today I'm on a walk and it's ..I mean I used to wear mid heeled boots to walk through the park and a skirt but seeing other women with wedges holding on to their partners' hands, I had to laugh, not at them but how it's okay for some people to do these things but for me, remember the looks I got then ..and now and today, I got so many looks by women at my face, I didn't bother today with makeup when I went for a mere walk in the park and I wanted the sun to hit my face a little, and I'm so sick of the shit directed at my body which is fine, healthy fit and curvy so leave me alone? No you won't. No it's not in my head and no I don't feel self conscious. I like how I look. But to get looked up and down, to get looks in the eye, to get people repulsed, blanking or fearing you. I've become like that to them but I can look at someone politely and I still get the same shit so I think why should I bother being patient with them. One youngish woman gave me such a rude look out of nowwhere.

I thought what if I say, by the way I watched this programme on BDD and although I don't look in the mirror and hate the way I look, I have moments where I remember what someone else has said to me about my looks and going out caused me to have really bad agoraphobia not that long ago, what if I said that to these rude women and these men whom I just blank out but I'm aware they look at me and then in one second look away or their woman has to say something about me that causes them to have to look and then they just murmur something in such a depressing voice, almost like I have made them depressed and it was too big an effort to look at me and why oh why did they have to. Hey I'm under no pretensions. I don't look like any flavour of the month, never have, never will, the only looks I get are from some African men, old men and women who look at me like I'm a terrorist. For me, I'd have to beg for a fuck. I refuse to do that because I too am picky...in my case I'm picky about personality. I don't want to fuck a douche and I like broadminded men.

I wanted to say to these people today you have no humanity looking at me the way you do and I'm still in isolation, I'm isolating myself from the world, and going to a postbox 3 times a day like one person had to do as part of their BDD recovery would be hard for me also because I don't want to go outside.

I wanted to make a video like one BDD recoverer had although I think I "just" have agoraphobia but I have my blog. I could relate some of this through the video.

If I could snap out of it or get over it and myself, I'd say, can I help you whenever they looked at me, then I wouldn't cry if I did say that, I'd be less emotional and more of a bitter, cynical robot.

If I was depressed would I still be angry

Cos I can tell you I react like a complete normal person when someone gives me shit and most people would have died by now. I have been putting up with shit for more than 20 years. The problem is I'm so angry but I have no outlet. If I look someone in the eye in return they just carry on and smirk. Like this stupid idiot when I was shopping, so you can stare at me and stop walking but when i looked back at you, it was like you just vomited your lunch. You fucking bitch, you're wearing layers of make up and your hair is processed and you probably look up plastic surgery, I have big boobs, a small waist and my hair is natural and I habve radiant skin anyway. How the fuck did I for a minute feel low because of YOU?!

And some fucking 5 year old piece of white trash give ME shit. Just because I dont look like your stupid celebrities, I'm fit and healthy, how the fuck dare you give me a hard time. I didnt deserve it before when I wasn't fit but I know how superficial you all are and now you're giving me the same treatment; Fuck you. I'll grow my hair so long you'll be jealous, it's thick anyway unlike your over processed hair extensioned FAKE "locks" and Ill wear heels and I'll go to bdsm clubs and make every man want to fuck me. And you'll still give me shit. But you have NOTHING on me, you are NOTHING but you still manage to make one trip for a few hours hard for me, why do you do this..what the fuck do you have to gain. why can't you leave me alone. You can't take it out on someone else, no it's me, always me, I can see nothing shuts you up. You fucking bitches and bastards, you women aren't beautiful are you really if you make someone feel like this, what are you hiding underneath, and you men are hardly great and one has to wonder how much time you spend in the mirror and how high your standards will be when you become humbled by something in your life.

I didn't want to be told this.

So, I went to the doctors and I was told I was depressed. I haven't been sleeping, my main issue and I scratch and scratch at rashes and pick at scabs, I'm fidgety when awake and when asleep. But I didn't want to hear the word depressed. You know why? Because I feel like a loser when I'm told this and I don't want to be told I'm lacking. I KNOW that to certain parts of society I am seen as lacking so I just can't be depressed AS WELL. I'm not calling people with depression a loser but what I'm saying is I feel like I loser because I ain't exactly a winner in this world. I don't want to be this big thing don't get me wrong and don't you think by now I would have done something more to achieve more stuff, the thing is I'm happy just writing and earning to keep a roof over my head and feed and clothe myself. I do want to earn more just for the future but I have no big need for a fancy car or house probably because my family is doing okat money wise and I've never been short of money, not that we holiday and go on cruises, we're too sensible. And that's cool with me. I've veered off a bit, so there is a label attached to depression but mostly if someone popular got told they were depressed, noses would be less turned down but me? Oh gosh I can just hear the yeah I sort of knew this already coming on, suddenly everyone is a doctor.

I did question the doctor and tell him everything that I could think of as I tend to but he was determined I was depressed. he's not the first person who has diagnosed me with this but the person before didn't exactly give it as a diagnosis.

So I'm on anti depressant which will calm me down, I already feel calm though I just have the habit of picking at stuff and I have very itchy like reflexes, once I start that place goes red because it's SO itchy. I keep my nail short and do all the stuff a good hygenic little girl is supposed to do and I know can be excitable but I do love life, I just have a problem with the people who havea problem with me but come on that's just being human. I'm sensitive for sure but I'm also brave..doesn't mean I can't be depressed too but I don't feel that I fit the other symptoms of depression, I do appreciate there are differnt "levels."

I'm a loner as well but I do like company I just don't trust that easily. Can you blame me, considering I have been bullied since pre school, not a moan just a fact. I tell everyone I've been bullied, I ain't ashamed of other people's prejudices, they aren't my own, I look fine, I act fine, I talk fine and I walk fine but for some reason people have always had a problem with me. And I'll be the first to say I'm weird and a little deep.

The problem I have is certain people, you know what I mean, getting diagnosed with depression.

Cunts, sluts and big teeth.

Just to be clear, those are not my words.

Oh the world is full of shit for sure. I'm watching this programme on youtube, Sex How to Do everyhting, I LOVE it, and there's people calling the presenters cunts, posh, oh she has big teeth, sluts.

EVERYONE is allowed to have the same opportunities and to say that no one will want to have sex with these women and that they can't present a show like this is heinous, why not just call yourself a Nazi.

I mean we can all see people's features. You know like I've said before, I don't ever wish my legs were longer or anything like that, if I'm hard on myself for a scab it's because I'm actually the root of the problem because I itch, pick and sratch and it's myself I'm mad at, not my appearance directly.

I've posted a link and I'm under Renabulous. If you have anything to say to someone who calls women sluts and cunts, I'd be grateful if you could take the time and say it. I know, we'll get abusive comments but there's always blocking and ignoring. I'm just not going to allow someone to post their comment and especially have people actually thumbs up on it for being an intolerant douche.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OuFkpdhXTdI&has_verified=1

We get plenty of intolerant douches in people who just have a problem with themselves and others. I really think if you have to take shit out on someone else, you've got issues yourself. You know what, maybe it is jealousy, how DARE anyone exist who doesn't fit your prejudices whatever it is, but mostly it's intolerance. Who do you think you are? You're on the cover of Vogue or never going to be on a cover, that should not define you but clearly it does and whatever problems I have, I can tolerate AND love myself. People like me, we don't need love from others, but when we get it, we know how to appreciate it's not for some selfish oh, see I am worth it just because so and so thinks so.

This is all so fucked up and yeah so I am but at least I'm not intolerant like this, who the hell made these people?!

What the hell.

Do I just completely hate myself or what. I've decided to pick at my face so much it's bled. In one area. How many times have I said to myself although any deep pimples take time to heal, in my case weeks, let them heal and don't make them bleed but no I'm always looking for a solution. Get the stuff out, well with that stuff comes blood. And now it's far worse plus I could have an infection as I had once before. I'm not going to pay for some cream which may or may not work especially by the time I get it, it'll be days after, I need to see a dermatologist but I'm too fucking tired and I've never seen one before, will I be put on a waiting list even if I go privately? I just want to wait until a scab forms, will it even form? I've lost the will to have a plan b. But why did I pick at it? What the hell. No one is angrier with me or more disgusted than myself, trust me I let myself down as much others. I think I have some kind of hurt me streak inside. Like things weren't too bad, I was getting sun, air and had my two jobs, now I just am back to being this closeted mouse. What the hell.

I'm fairly sure this little self destructive streak started when I had too much time on my hands, more than usual, yesterday, I should just keep myself busy doing SOMETHING when I don't have work. I'm such a shit, people have real problems and I make problems for myself. I'm pathetic but I also can be pretty fucking kick arse and awesome, I need to stop letting other people's comments get to me. Long ago, I threw away the idea I would ever get anything but mocked by those bastards, now why can't I see bastards come in different forms, they can be a 40 year old mum or a 20 year old woman, it doesn't matter, I just need to love myself COMPLETELY. I don't hate myself but I do things which just make me want to throttle my own little neck.

Unwelcome company.

The kind you just want to say, try the concept of shutting doors but you know you can't as there will be a big argument. Nothing ventured nothing gained? Yeah, try dealing with people as opposed to clearly "people" lacking a certain something. I've heard things suggested to these "people" and they just bellow.

Last week was a load of old shit in the sense that had I known this week would be so shit, I would have thanked my lucky stars to be alive and functioning. This week, I'm having major problems with sleep and a few other things with me but the sleep is the big one. I've made an appointment but I still have to wait. The idea of sitting in a room for 2 hours and then getting seen to is not that appealing when there have been 50% success rates from my experience, I sound like a robot I know, so I would rather just wait two days for a better chance of success.. and till then I have this herbal remedy. It's okay but gives incredibly freaky dreams and then I wake with a jolt and can't get back to sleep- the usual problem minus the jolt part.

It's good to go outside, in fact I find it works for me but I just can't do it.

I just wish the noise would at least go away, not like it's been a week only.

I thought the absolute worst, it's not just a trait of mine it's

because shit happens in my life.

Okay, let's just say i did only THINK the absolute worst.

I'm so fucking relieved. As well as stupid but mostly I am just, like, can you say just fucking..what's the word.

Oh FUCK. Why do I do this to myself. But it's okay. For a change, it's okay.

The worst part is that I miss the talks.

Forget everything else,everything else even pales in comparison because they can be controlled but this talk part the fact it's not existing, that's what I miss. I function on an intellectual basis, sounds pretentious and untrue I know, but when it gets to me through that, that's where the problem starts.

A month, a new season, Christmas, and this could be it. When and if the missing dies down, it's the knowledge.

This is all sounds intense, too intense and it's not that intense, it sounds like I'm making this into a big drama, I just don't know how to articulate it without coming off strong on this blog.

There was nothing I misread at the time when this was happening I am clear on that now. The mistake is having feelings but things stopped well before those were out there.

For the sake of all things sane, this will have to stop now and so this is the last I will talk of this. I just had to get this out as I didn't in my blog yesterday. Any new developments, you won't read it on here but I know there won't be. That's the realist in me.