First of all, the internet is full of real bullshit. What, I didn't already know that?

But yesterday I found out that I lost some pretty major papers. The worst is when you are responsible for them for someone else as well as yourself. I freaked. Today, I rang up and am getting duplicates sent out. Those duplicates aren't for my peace of mind, they are necessary, I need these papers.

In my search and casting my mind back, I realised that not only did I need so and so set of papers, I needed these others. The whole thing is very odd. Yes I am a messy, untidy person but I found every other thing yesterday but what I was looking for. For me, that's rarely ever the case. I always put myself through hell and stick with it. I take a little break even though I don't want to and go back. I did this four times yesterday. Today I just feel tired.

In the night, I had to sleep knowing that my problem wasn't solved and that I had no clue as to whether it would be, you see to a get a duplicate of one of my papers I read would be a real problem, I didn't even know who to call. I just made a list of possibilities. It was out of my depth. Now it's sorted and I thank my lucky stars that I got someone very on the ball and cooperative on the phone. They made my call easy and trust me after having the line go dead on me for the other set of papers call, that was a relief. I am so thankful to this person. They better follow through!

As better the other people.

I can't believe the shit I read over the net. I know policies vary but talk about scaring someone. And they weren't advertising anything and they were posting of recent things, so clearly they have their information wrong. Or their company is just VERY different.

When I went to sleep, I dreamt and stuck so close to my fantasy of being dominated. That came up because I wanted someone to lean on. Strength that I didn't have. I am independant but I wanted to hear, everything is going to be okay.

I couldn't sleep properly.

Our will can be strong. Sometimes we stick to illusions or fantasies or thoughts, certain thoughts because and or especially when we can't face the reality or problems. I wanted to run away last night. I wouldn't know where to go. A hotel would make me even more depressed. But I wanted to stay with a friend. She would know who she is though she may doubt it. I have two very good female friends far far away. And there's one lady who I really feel something with, like we could be close friends too.

I want to feel alive and young. Even when I was young I was afraid. I realise this is a thing with me. But I also know I can get through it and I am good in situations despite the fear. This morning I ROCKED.

It's selfish to want people when you're in need, otherwise to push them away and to push away people who are already there when you're in trouble otherwise you want them.