Appearance, body image, beauty, envy, all that jazz.

I'll keep it short for now.

I read a book where I felt a little..angry is too strong a word..envious fits though, of the heroine's appearance. Not uncommon for me. I mean Comfort Food, Comfort Object made me also envy the heroine. Though Comfort Food didn't gives us details, just that the heroine was beautiful- well the hero says she's stunning and he saw something beautiful and decided to break it. In Comfort Object, the heroine would also be stunning. Red hair, green exotic eyes. Deep In The Woods a book I read today- she's Snow White to the hero. Her face is pale, her hair jet black, her face is shaped leonine it's described and her eyes pale pale violet. Lucky her, I thought. The hero is captivated and then I went from thinking lucky her, to I'm nothing like her. I mean I'm not stunning, I don't mean it in a self depricating way. There's just nothing contrasting in my appearance. I have jet black hair AND dark eyes. And yeah okay my skin contrasts with my hair but that's about it. I see contrasts in my body and I am happy with the way I look but why do I get made to feel I'm lacking? I mean it's not the authors..is it? God, I'm being an illogical bitch. It's ME.

I know bullying made me more sensitive about my appearance and even though I've changed, I'm no stunner, I don't have people showing me interest like the heroine in Deep In The Woods. It's actually the opposite with me. I mean you know, from reading my previous blog posts.

Look, I'm happy with myself. Okay bottom line- I sometimes wish I looked like HER, you know the woman you read about or the woman you see in the mall never mind the fucking magazine, sorry I tend to swear late in the nights, it's partly to amuse myself,I don't think I'm ugly. I can look ugly. When I don't get sleep for nights on end, I look so drained- I get so pale and I think my face is too big and round..but I could go on.

I DO think I'm worthy and when I insult myself like this I'm insulting my Sir, yes you read right and no you won't get any more details, but this is what I feel inside. I guess I need to change and I KNOW I need to be more confident. Because I know I can love myself and be sexual and be so free, but I also know how much I want to hide when I go outside. Get noticed, I do get a little thrill but get mocked, I have to deal with that and not let it affect me.

Sometimes I think, what if HE thinks I'm lacking?

So this is the truth, and I needed to say this.

And the worst of it is, I intended to type this for him but just clicked on this site and got typing here. That says so much about how I'm using this site and who I am. Yes, push away the real and use a space, use it to vent in a passive aggressive way.