I REALLY need my space.

I realised just now how uncomfortable I get in the minute I realise I ain't gonna have it. I NEED my space. Part of it is because no matter what anyone says, I'm an introvert. I hate confrontation, I hate noise, I hate crowds, I hate attention, not all types so much, again no matter what anyone says, whilst I have an exbitionist streak in me, it's a streak, that's not who I am 24/7. If someone comes round, I have to make an effort in the sense I have to literally make an effort to talk to them. I would rather come across rude but I just get nervous about people coming around, plural, singular.

When I'm free I get this joy, this peace but if someone is around and they're not family or a close friend, I don't. It's not their fault, it's me. As a result, I have my door shut as someone entertains this person- they came around for them, not me otherwise I would make that effort no matter how much I needed my space and got nervous.

It's actually pissing me off. The thing is you say this to someone who's not like you, they're think you're weird and will just say okay I'll give you a day's notice. Shit, I'd get nervous at a day's notice and over think.

I guess when I'm outside, I'm so tense that when I come back home, I just feel ahhhhh, YES! So like I say I really need that and to not have that, even if it's once in a blue moon, makes me edgy.

Just like the girl in the photo, my head looks to the ground, I actually have to make an effort to lift it. To others, this is weird, rude, weird, weird, weird but to me that is how I've been since I was young. I make little eye contact when I don't speak to people because of past experiences and because I'm introverted and shy. There are much harder things in life but my heart beats out of chest most of the time when I'm outside and lifting my head becomes this whole thing of okay where I do make eye contact, something which has been commented on, of course, is anything I do my own? Which makes this blog totally hypocritical I know, I know.

Anyway, outside, I pretend I'm looking at a building so I can avoid meeting the cars on the road, ah yes incidentally someone clever person decided it would just make my day by honking their horn at me. I looked at them but obviously they are moving along, on the OPPOSITE side of the road and I don't know any one in that town where I was today. I noticed they had dark skin, maybe they were Indian in which case probably shitty Indian males and females who think I'm hilarious to look at, I've had that before from them or they're African men and some of whom have this thing with me. I know there's curiosity and freedom of expression but the concept of everyone is different clearly flew over the heads of some people. I hate Indian people as a whole. I'm Indian but I find them too old fashioned and bitchy.

Some people say smile, break out of your shell and break out of your comfort zone. I'm making an effort for my sake, but you have to give me room too, and back off.