to someone who doesn't want to leave their house out of fright. Get over it is another offense. Just be glad you can leave the house without cold fear, sweat and nerves. I'm glad I can do that now but I went through a time where I nauseous with all of this and as soon as I went out, it made me want to stay in more and more, forever really. The thing is I feel better with a routine, when I have tasks every day and I like to do mundane things like clean. Obviously I also want the deeper things in life. I want to challenge myself but I know that things will be more difficult the more out there in the world I am. At the moment I limit myself, I do the bare minimum outside and there's only so much I can do inside. And I don't live in a house with a garden, I just can't stay indoors for more than a week without going crazy and retreating further and further even though it's sometimes a welcome break from the madness I experience when I'm out there, I feel ill emotionally and physically. My skin turns so so sallow and I have minor breathing problems too for some odd reason. But there was a time I had to make staying indoors my life. What brought me to blog about this wasn't too much time on my hands, today has been a productive day and I'm tired in a good way, it's that yesterday I watched videos on youtube about body dysmorphia. I had such a shit time out there, because no matter how much I project confidence when things get no better and I have several little experiences, it becomes intolerable for me, I felt so angry. I still do. So I wanted to watch something specific.
In one video, there's comments not just by the usual haters on sites like this, but educated people though not educated in BDD clearly, say snap out of it, get over yourself. We all know the world outside. People starving, getting killed, I know that but I didn't leave the house because I wanted the attention, I didn't leave because I literally could not. And snapping out of it for that brief time you go out, you get your reasons as to why you can't go outside, for me not mentally but the stares, the mocks, the snide comments, they all affected me emotionally that I thought oh God it's too viscious out there, I survived school where I was bullied every day but I don't have to take this shit now and so I won't. I still feel this way but I know I HAVE to go out.
So today I'm on a walk and it's ..I mean I used to wear mid heeled boots to walk through the park and a skirt but seeing other women with wedges holding on to their partners' hands, I had to laugh, not at them but how it's okay for some people to do these things but for me, remember the looks I got then ..and now and today, I got so many looks by women at my face, I didn't bother today with makeup when I went for a mere walk in the park and I wanted the sun to hit my face a little, and I'm so sick of the shit directed at my body which is fine, healthy fit and curvy so leave me alone? No you won't. No it's not in my head and no I don't feel self conscious. I like how I look. But to get looked up and down, to get looks in the eye, to get people repulsed, blanking or fearing you. I've become like that to them but I can look at someone politely and I still get the same shit so I think why should I bother being patient with them. One youngish woman gave me such a rude look out of nowwhere.
I thought what if I say, by the way I watched this programme on BDD and although I don't look in the mirror and hate the way I look, I have moments where I remember what someone else has said to me about my looks and going out caused me to have really bad agoraphobia not that long ago, what if I said that to these rude women and these men whom I just blank out but I'm aware they look at me and then in one second look away or their woman has to say something about me that causes them to have to look and then they just murmur something in such a depressing voice, almost like I have made them depressed and it was too big an effort to look at me and why oh why did they have to. Hey I'm under no pretensions. I don't look like any flavour of the month, never have, never will, the only looks I get are from some African men, old men and women who look at me like I'm a terrorist. For me, I'd have to beg for a fuck. I refuse to do that because I too am picky...in my case I'm picky about personality. I don't want to fuck a douche and I like broadminded men.
I wanted to say to these people today you have no humanity looking at me the way you do and I'm still in isolation, I'm isolating myself from the world, and going to a postbox 3 times a day like one person had to do as part of their BDD recovery would be hard for me also because I don't want to go outside.
I wanted to make a video like one BDD recoverer had although I think I "just" have agoraphobia but I have my blog. I could relate some of this through the video.
If I could snap out of it or get over it and myself, I'd say, can I help you whenever they looked at me, then I wouldn't cry if I did say that, I'd be less emotional and more of a bitter, cynical robot.
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