Ah, me.

What I don't understand whilst understanding the hypocrisy in it fully, is that I have concrete proof that someone is only right to society when they are doing things in society's way and any "mistake" can not be inexcused. One is judged when one doesn't fit and sometimes one can NOT fit. Not even allowed to look at objects anymore, just get a gun and kill the outcasts, instead of slow torture.

This is a world full of bullies.

Sometimes I feel like walking to a very quiet place and just wondering what it would be like to not exist anymore.

Because what am I existing in? We have to sometimes make up our own worlds, so that keeps the rest at a distance.

Perfection, perfection, perfection, perfection, faces painted white from the centuries way back and now brown.

Well done, we really have evolved.

This weekend I'm going to watch Mermaids with Winona Ryder and Cher and have some nice walks. It's not that cool outside actually. I'll also be thinking about movie weekend and speaking to a few people, friends of mine.

*big sigh* And I'll be blogging about the movie My Best Friends Keeper. Have a peaceful weekend.

Religion is no answer, movies are just magic, life is hard and there is nothing keeping anyone on here, instead one should have a need simply to be here. Say what you want but political correctness and over the top enthusiasm again done in society's way is the bullshit that stops expression.

When A Man Loves A Woman.

The poster may look like a lovey dovey Autumn movie, all cosy and sweet but the movie is about something that is anything but. What I love is the blend of both the characters love in the movie that leads to what some say a sappy ending but for me it's the way they are, especially when you watch the beginning of the movie and in the end, what's great is that the ending combines confronting their issues and imperfections as well as a little play and romance. To me When A Man Loves A Woman is probably the most romantic movie I have seen because it's about a love that lasts. The performances however make the movie. I can't get over how good the young girl who played the daughter was, her face especially in that horrible scene where Meg's character slaps her and her voice just killed me. I just love the actors and director.

So the movie is about confronting and coping with alcoholism. What happens to a family and a love when a person is an alcoholic. I don't care that it's a woman or a man who's an alcoholic, it doesn't make it more romantic that the man unconditionally loves the woman despite her addiction because unconditional love should be the only basis for a marriage anyway, why I love the movie is just the way both these characters deal with this and don't deal in some instances.

Of course you can't beat the song that starts the movie. Funny how it's about a man's love for a woman blindsiding him, yet it's such a popular romantic song. But it fits the movie, the way that Andy Garcia's character has to let go of the blindsidedness and see all sides of his wife, not only love his wife but see her all sides.

Boy I make love sound tough!

I haven't seen the movie for years so I can't remember the character's names.

I clicked on the links marked part one, two, etc..

http://www.alluc.org/movies/watch-when-a-man-loves-a-woman-1994-online/25187.html?maincatid=25187|


Only click on this particular link below if you have seen this movie as it has spoilers and possibly the ending! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZOuM2IIfLs Oops it contains music. Well the first bit of this link I like since it's part of the movie.

Dear Daily Mail

(a letter I will be submitting)

Thank you for telling me that Kelly Osbourne has been voted one of the most beautiful people in the world by People magazine. I know you put your stories in there for a reason and mostly I see the reason as ghastly comments from your readers. In this case, the readers have been so constantly nasty I will never, ever visit your website or pick up your paper. I know this won't come as a shocking loss to you because there are so many viscious people out there who will comment on your website again and again.

I would probably die from social phobia if your publication was the only access I had to the world outside, it's not just the comments that appear on the articles, it's the sensationlist articles you print and your own superifical statements within them. I would quote examples but I quite frankly block out negativity which is cold and useless like I have seen on DM. It's neither entertaining, never mind original I don't think I've even raised a part of my lip when I read your articles. I like to go on there mostly to get ideas and I do like news that Kelly has been voted one of the most beautiful people. I think that celebrates the fact you don't have to be 6 ft tall, with breasts pointing out, spend ages on volumising or extensioning hair and have a cosmetic enhanced glow or tan, to me it's People recogonising Kelly's beautiful skin and lovely wide set and bowed lips not to mention her eyes, her short and shapely body like a natural woman's and not someone who had lipo or has ribs showing through their skin.

I was disgusted by the comments left on that article. It went beyond school boy taunts, it was mean and cold. I think it's passive aggressive and I think people ought to grow out of that when they leave their teenaged years behind. I can see that your publication is for the mean and cold and narrowminded so I'll say farewell. I can get my ideas elsewhere and try something new. There was no one to say that whilst Kelly moved in her own way, not perfecting each society called flaw, but getting on with her life and dealing with her problems, she of course like any human being who hasn't shunned the world and become bitter, was happy to hear the news of People acknowledging her beauty. Oh yes, of course she's a celebrity and she's been on a show and she has things to sell and it's publicity but to have such a poll and to have a normal and beautiful woman included in that, I think is good news.

I know your website submits only some comments but I see mostly nasty ones.

Inspired.

The other day I was looking at some of those edgy lace up sandal shoes thing whatevers that are all the rage. I bought some. But they just don't look that pretty compared to the more traditional peep toe type sandals which I love. My point, know what you like and ignore fashion.

I am really very inspired by Dita Von Teese's look. I hate that none of my old skirts fit to me the extent getting them altered would be more expensive than just buying one or two. I wish I had the budget to afford more clothes like Von Teese's. I love her look. It's a little mumsy to those used to seeing edgy and the constant focus on looking younger but to me she looks soft and pretty.

Also having jet black hair myself and seeing the focus on lighter hair most of the time, is another reason I like Von Teese. She's shaped her hair fantastically and it doesn't look forced, there's a bit of the school marm about it but that only fuels my fantasies of being such a lady..

I'm also going to write a short story later on which I have been inspired to write after reading Sweet Caroline. That book did not disappoint. For months I have been waiting for this and when I read it, I could see on how similar a wavelength Buck and Caroline were on. Everything in that book was so natural and I knew the author Lissa Matthews would create something like this because she does write incredibly naturally as well as having that raw sex and sensuality to her books, and this one just totally confirmed all this. My, I love Buck and Caroline.

I hope that I get my dvd of The Exploding Girl soon. It looks dreamy, I think it's perfect for the mood sunny days can put one in. You know, I'm really grateful for this FLIPPING GREAT weather we've been having.

Ah me.

A remnant of moi lurking on the net still

http://www.myspace.com/goodnightandgoodlucku

I thought I deleted this account?! I have my blog posts still visible. Am going to have to listen to that music, I remember my Scent Of A Woman Tango obesession. The only reason I started belly dancing (well I use that term loosely but it did get me fit) was because I didn't have a partner to tango with at the time.

Oh gosh, random bit, this woman just started straight at me today and when i stared back, she continued to look me straight into the eyes as she was walking along with I assume her husband, her pathetic feet ahead, her face ON me. She looked around 50. I had to stop and check I didn't have biro on my face. What is wrong with some people? Just two seconds before I actually got a smile of this nice young woman who like me was just walking along checking out the shops. I really think that woman was a bitch. Moving on, but just thought I'd share. I'd rather do that than pretend everything is okay, it's not, I'm human, I have feelings, I just don't want my life to be in ruins, cracks are there as it is, just trying to protect myself.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the release of Sweet Caroline by Lissa Matthews tomorrow. You know there's more humanity in those character's little fingers than I see out there. So what should I do, burn myself, my face?!

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=416670830&blogId=461893442

LOL I am truly well and over my days of little crushes. They were so little too, I suppose it's thr thoughts that make them bigger. I'm just so glad I've moved on in my life, I see things how they really are truly. I don't think they are good things but they exist. I Can See Clearly Now The RAIN Has Gone.

MOVIE WEEKEND!

Foink me folks, I haven't forgotten!

I set this crappy diem movie weekend up on Fb, and since that's gone (gosh I wish drawing attention to myself in the status updates, I really do), we'll just do it here. It's this weekend, starts this Friday, finishes Bank Holiday Monday. You just do something movie related and tell me about it. It WAS for movies from a certain year, probably 1992, but I've decided we can extend that to any year you want. It's a celebration of movies and MADNESS. Your own madness, if singing and dancing to My Sharona in a newsagents gets the police called, you've won. I'm joking but I want something similar crazy. I'm going to do "BENJAMIN!!!" from the Graduate. From my balcony or maybe elswhere..I'll let you know! But if you think I am MERELY going to shout it and that's it, NO, then I have no right to blog about my movie weekend action because it's pathetic, I'M GOING FURTHER. SO ARE YOU! Tell me about what you did people!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSyFNvdp-Rs

Some kind of movie mania

Funny but the sunshine only makes me want to see movies more,

I have a HUNGER for them right now. I MUST see the following. This isn't just a crappy girly list, this is do or die. I'm serious jerks.

(Joke).

1. Strictly Ballroom. This is the only Baz Luhrman movie I love, for the characters of Scott and Fran. And Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps by Doris Day is one of my favourite songs.

2. The Exploding Girl. I have ordered the dvd for rental. I loved the trailer. I'm also obsessed with the music. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ON3cmZ8pLvc

3. When A Man Loves A Woman. I love Meg Ryan in this. Andy Garcia plays probably the sexiest husband ever. He's so gentle with her, giving, he's too gentle sometimes but that's what happens when you're in love. The movie captures when a man loves a woman perfectly. It's drama comes from Meg's character's problem with alcohol and her life is falling apart despite her solid marriage and Tina Majorino is so beautifully sad in this movie as her daughter. The scene where Meg hits her, I really saw the emotions in both actress' faces.

And movies I'm not so obsessed with, Picture Perfect. Yup. I don't know I just really like Jay Mohr in this one.

And

Daybreakers. Ethan Hawke topless. Naked man chest. Respectable, career, investigative of nature (!) guy. MMMMMMMM! Out end of May. Since I no longer have a thing for pretty guys, I don't mind wanting to fuck him in the movie, it's more fun than longing. (I think I've gone and grown up).

"Get it out of yourself. Away so you can't curl up with it anymore."

Valerie: What would you have said to her?
Susanna: I don't know. That I was sorry. That I will never know what it was like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
Valerie: Susanna, it's all well and good to tell me all this; but you gotta tell some of this to your doctors.
Susanna: How the hell am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?
Valerie: But you do understand it. You spoke very clearly about it a second ago. But I think what you've gotta do is put it down. Put it away. Put it in your notebook, but get it out of yourself. Away so you can't curl up with it anymore.

From Girl Interrupted.

This is one of my favourite movies because it's about outsiders in an environment together.

I know what would happen to me if I was part of that environment, the same thing that is happening to me as it happened in my childhood. To all those who want to lose weight or change their appearance, who want a chance at life related to that or non, don't hold your breath that things will change and life will happen no matter how hard you try. But literally the world takes you at face value, so you might or might not be okay. I can't tell you for sure. I don't think like the phonies out there.

I see the world as a bunch of phonies and yes it feels good to use a Holden Caulfield line. Make sure you are someone else but not yourself, well for the past week I have been able to combine my sexuality and be the weird self I am. Look if the world has a problem with you, have you ever considered the world IS the problem, look at who people admire, look at their violence, their jealousy, their hierarchy, their superficiliaty, they're phoney. And I never was, I have faults course I fucking do, but I'm not a fake. And people say but I don't know who you really are, why because I'm not as one sided as you? Because I have more than three dimesions, big fucking deal, it's isolating, it causes aggression from others without so much a word from my side. How can I say that a 70 year old can look at me with as much disgust as 17 year old. Or a 7 year old and a 7 month old..I can't say this without hearing and maybe reading you're exaggerating, you're imagining, it's in your head. Whatever the fuck is in my head which changes it hasn't caused any different reaction from the outside world.

"Her sweetness is to make us like her better." That's so true it hurts. Except when I'm sweet, it's self defense and even then it's bullshit from their side.

So this is me getting it out of myself. I don't cry at this stuff anymore, I don't wish I was anything, I know that I am who I am and the world is phoney. I am surprised to see that people relate to me and that I have been called pretty and cool in cyberspace, because that's the opposite..BLAH BLAH BLAH I don't even care anymore. I walk a different path GLADLY to you phoney world.

I don't want to die anymore and it doesn't hurt to smile, I'm stronger or am I just switching off easier or superficially, I don't know but I have changed in the course of a few months, the last time I watched this movie I was different to watching it today.

I'm listening to Down Town and rocking my body. "Crazy" I don't care, I like it, I embrace it and I want to. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUSYb3igXzI

Well, I saw Dear John today

It was okay. It's stupid staring off a blog post I suppose about something that I have little to say about.

You know how I blogged about fear? You know how I thought things had changed? One out of two ain't bad.

Dear John is traditional. It's a love story. It's a good job I'm kinky and perverted because I'll say that the lengths John goes to for Savannah is not something I'll ever have. By the way that's a fact it's not a moan. I never was the traditionally romantic sort.

I am motivated as of tomorrow to dress as perfectly as I can. Why? Because at least what I do should never make me think twice..at least I would have pleased myself. And that's all I can ask for and do..do the best I can. I want to be looked at as a woman and when I did what I did on facebook though I didn't do it for that reason, I was. That was nice. So to be looked at as a woman, I will be as womanly as I can possibly be with my wardrobe.

There's only so much practically I can do with my look. I'm talking necklaces, scarves and pretty colours..which I have and wear but they are normally hidden under a jacket which isn't shabby but could be more feminine I suppose. It's time for more flow and less stiffness.

And I'm not a Savannah every one loves me kind of girl. I've never got complimented outside my family and one nice female and social networking on my looks positively and as part of sexuality I want to know that I'm putting my best foot forward for my benefit. I also am going to start doing searches everyday for jobs in the Erotica and even porn field. I have no boundaries. Those who don't know me don't know how complex I am..I don't mean that as am compliment or an insult (people ask who's the real you? All of this is the real me) so people will assume things, that I'm doing it to people please or for the attention. You don't know me. You may think you do.

So it's time to live like I'm going to die tomorrow.

Dreams by The Cranberries. Enough said.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjRM7zzRg5s

So now more time to check emails such as this splendor

"hi! wow i have not talked too you 4 A very longtime, I very much crave them conversations we use too experience. we need 2 become more in convo eventually, I am sure we experience tons too babble bout from what thing you exposed to me that occasion we e-mailed! here is my screen name @ msn and yaho, user-ID is NikkiLuvsJersey43@Yahoo.com I am prepared to hear something from you soon...... :O] =) "

By the way this is a spam, this particular exposing is not one I took part in!

Facebook account disabled.

Facebook account disabled.

It happened just as I was typing in a comment...just like that. I didn't get a warning my account would be disabled, though I know why it is as do you, I just got "acknowledge this picture violates the terms" and has been removed. I was just discussing censorhip and all my album being removed and how black and white artistic nudes of a man coming on a woman's breasts are left alone but a woman showing her breasts, not even entirely in some pictures, is removed.

This is facebook where one can pose in a bikini, wear a pout and ask someone to keep them company when going for a shit on sexual group and the owner of group can post video links to porn but I had "use common sense and license to post porn" by someone who may not have been the group owner but sure got on their high horse, when I posted a link to a picture of myself licking my breasts. I had also given a warning beforehand.

I knew the time would come to leave, sure I didn't expect it to happen just like that and I am sad I won't get to communicate with the people there. I think I know who has reported me..I once blogged about the Mr Nolans of this world and whilst I'm no Keating or Todd Anderson, I am a woman who got told off well and good by this particular Mr Nolan.

Bye to my friends, I will miss YOU on facebook and now I remember what one of my friends sdaid about never joining it, it can be like a cult and what facebook and Ms Reporter of crime have done is acted like sheep, acted like part of a cult. I'm more free now than I was when I was on there.

Hello moderate account settings (fb didn't have that the poor babies) and bye bye censorship. This gives me more time to work on this blog and my stories. THIS is my space, facebook was merely borrowed space.

I'll write them a little something like I have written here and before. Shit, let's live in a world where we can have objectification but not action. What would they have done if I had posted a video of my pussy or someone fucking me..YOUR ACCOUNT IS DISABLED STRAIGHT AWAY..NOW HERE'S A WHIPPING FOR YOU WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE!!!

Corporal losers.

Huh, do I like this new direction?

I'm really not sure ..those of you who read my Kinky blog will know my rambling..not sure that I like the new direction itself, because you do lose certain things by - get this pretentious piece of crap line- embarking on a new journey. There I said it! But I am happy to express myself..that's it, I'm happy. I don't feel crap afterwards in fact the feeling I have is not one of crap (seriously has a person ever talked more vague shit in their lives?), it's content. It's happiness that I can do that and I've discovered something about me too in the way of a specific turn on. But this time last week I was thinking about Mahabharat, I sort of feel an innocence lost..but that is taken over my feeling content. So if I ever stop being happy, I should stop this new journey. Or maybe lay low on it.

I feel also like I shouldn't be replying to some people's posts on social networking, I feel respect has been lost. That's not something that's going to keep me up at night but there is a little fear, not guilt, in doing something new on your own.

I suppose I just wanted to have all this typed out in diary form. Today 17th April 7-30 pm I feel okay but a little apprehensive.

I'm happy my hair is working with me today..so that's one good thing.!

It's a nice sunny day, has been yesterday too. I decided fuck the work out, just concentrate on household stuff and spread it out, listen to a lot of music, soak up the sun through the glass pane (it's windy outside!) and watch any old youtube. I find it better when I'm not restricted to a routine indoors. It's like I'm putting off that routine and then the daylight ends before you know it. (And I shift). (Sorry in a dumb mood today).

Since feeling content I can be more blase about other things, niggles that don't really matter. I haven't been on Daily Mail once these past two days. I think that deserves a celebatory.. Moving on, I'm happy just being. Now let's see how I am next week back at my job.

Carpe Diem.

The night brings confidence.

And the early mornings bring dreams of adventure. How many fucking dreams of adventure before I wake up to reality. I know, people say that and you think well do something about it but last night's dream? I was in this building of apartments, yup yup check list, and come to think of it maybe only the walls weren't white but there was snow too. And I was just having the best time walking in these different shoes each day and talking to my mother, nope, nope cross the list. I have this confidence in my dreams and the result is bliss. I felt bliss in my heart.

*shrugs*


I really need to take initiative. I mean it's so easy to get into a routine but I need to set myself tasks and goals. I was doing this quiz on facebook, oh yeah baby, and I really need to check list the following, "With almost no time to consider or judge, you jump into situations head-on. Sure, you may be afraid, but it is the search for new things, new obsessions, new ways of thinking that give you reason to live. You overachieve, you are intelligent you believe you are destined for great things." But when day breaks, fear sets in. Sometimes I get so cold, I want to bury myself in the earth.

Truthfully I think writing has been a good and bad thing for me. I mean ideally I would be writing after a day where I couldn't possibly do more with it. But I initially started writing as a result of what is inside me, that doesn't come out in the day, when I'm outside. I want to not only be able to articulate what I want and what I feel but I want to do things I don't know if I want and I want to see what I feel afterwards. I think I have to sacrifice some of my beliefs to get to doing something I want. In some way writing has given me a confidence but you know I'm not happy with what little I have done in my life. Actions really do speak louder than words.

Suggestions please!

I made a lazy play list of songs that were on my youtube favourites which are firm favourites numbers that make sunny days awesome and not so sunny ones awesome, in fact it's just a play list of awesome or if you're Jack Black from High Fidelity, you may call mine a dull sweater or pure crap. Nevertheless it's my awesome and I'll awesome if I want to. Now I'm stopping this. But I'm even going to do what I did and wore on my blog. It's like taking a photo of my day of awesome.

Contribute to my awesome please ( I can't stop) and tell me two songs I need to add to this playlist and you can mock my taste too. I don't care, I'm awesome. Don't worry about whether your suggestions fit my taste because there's a lot of things you may not think you like and actually do. They can be anything but with a high buzz..like Beethoven's E flat major or was it minor is pure brilliance and awesome but it's more relaxing than busy bee awesome. Don't be shy, be awesome.

I am sitting on the balcony listening to the following through my ear phones. Wearing an awesome turquoise coat, look it's turquoise even if the label says green because it doesn't match with my green scarf and that IS green, boot cut jeans and plain black boots with a thin grey top underneath. It's formal casual and tomorrow I'm wanting to wear my long black boots and slightly faded (but could be better) jeans if I can find them. Awesome suggestions for my music please , let's crank this sucker up to number TEN;

Downtown by Ms Petula Clark

Boston More Than A Feeling. Reminds me of awesome

Little Bitty Pretty One by Thurston Harris

Tempted by Squeeze. Ideally I'd play this on CD whilst chucking my cigarette onto some executive's car and laughing with my friend when he hit my car but I'm not Winona Ryder and more to the point, I have no CD.

Bad Reputation by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts

Stand by Me by Ben E King. The E stands for E-awesome

Wonderful World by Sam Cooke. The greatest song to just catch on the radio unexpected

Miram Stockley theme from Great Expectations "Kissing In The Rain." It has a great thump to it later on, no wonder Kanye Ms Swift Ms Swift! West used this as sample, the one step ahead interrupter

Currently in my car I have a CD with Dead Poets Society music on it. It is awesome. Keating's Triumph remains my favourite but To The Cave (where in the movie they run to the cave in the night) is inspiring before the triumph. Should I add the Beethoven symphony after Todd does his YAWP? Help me! And I want awesome suggestions please, they can be fun or serious or Beethoven, I need your awesomenessssss.

Btw the sun comes and goes but I remain awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/my_playlists

Tina Fey.

"Who says women aren't funny?"

Men? Other women? You Vanity Fair you? I don't know but you could have come up with something better than that.

I think Tina Fey is super..super talented, super funny, smart and an all rounder. I can't help but say you go girl when she's doing the sexy thing for a magazine, because I know she's not taking it seriously, in a way she's kind of laughing at it even when the photo doesn't show the humour. And I think she's laughing also at the way her sexuality is referred to as "the librarian" or the "cute teacher," I like role play as much as the next person but to be referred to as sexy in that sort of way is so limiting and that is so typical of society. Put things and people in boxes, know what I mean?

Sexuality to me comes from the mind, it's all how you think of yourself in there which is why it's important to not pay attention to anyone else. I'm trying to become super woman and block out other people's reactions.

I have pigmentation on my skin at the moment, pink scars on my face and when I read that Tina's barely noticeable line of a scar is creating a hoo haa, I'm less and less bothered to stay away from people, screw them if they can't deal with minor things like this. And she says she doesn't talk about her scar because it would be exploited. I know what she means. You work to get somewhere and then it's oh let's patronise you because you have a ..drum roll, flaw. It's a mark of surviving violence but I know people only look at the superficial and it would become exploited thanks to them. There would even be the cliches like oh she became a funny woman because of that scar, I heard it all before this is how people's thoughts come across in publications and their reactions.

So you may as well have fun being yourself and put yourself out there no matter what they think.

Sometimes I want to print what happens to me each day, get it out there and move on but I should be moving on anyway. I don't want to use My Diary as a therapy session, I want to have my actions stronger than words and prove to myself that yes other people really do not matter and despite what they say or you doubt, I can make myself stronger in that respect.

Walking Tall and Laughing.

Dead Poets Society, a review and some thoughts.

I can relate a lot to the character of Todd, I don't have a problem with reading out loud, in fact I'm the opposite but I am underestimated and misjudged. But who hasn't been in some point in their life. Except this is what seems to be life for me. It's not my duty to prove people wrong because I have to concentrate on myself. When I am ignored, pushed, mocked I come to a conclusion, I would never have done well at Welton, I would never have been a girl any of them would be interested in, but I must move in my own way and create something for myself, at least I won't ever have run the risk of conforming.

which despite some people who abuse it, also happens to be a site people go to for all things movie related as well as music, public figures and celebrities. The reviews for Dead Poets Society are mixed and often those who don't like it have similar view points to Roger Ebert whose review I would agree with, had I not watched the movie from a completely different view point and come to love it for various aspects. For me, the movie works as an insight into a few boys life at Welton in 1959. First of all that year excites me, they were on the cusp of revolution and perhaps a few could predict what would happen a year later but the mini revolution that was started at the school, the daring concept of character over tradition, was something that would change those boys lives. In good ways, in bad ways but ultimately it would be a test of their characters in BIG ways.

The story starts off with a new teacher. Robin Williams plays the passionate John Keating. He wants to teach the boys poetry ..not lines, but poetry in their souls. It is that spirit of such poetry and the spirit of carpe diem (seize the day) that is lit like a candle in some boys and a fire in others; Neil, Todd, Charlie, Knox, Meeks and Pitts as well as a few other of their classmates.

Neil (Robert Sean Leonard pre, pre House) is a star pupil who wants to act, Todd (Ethan Hawke) is the new shy boy, Charlie (Gale Hansen) makes the boys laugh and us audience laugh and swoon, Knox (Josh Charles) is the one who dares to woo a girl he meets at a formal dinner, Meeks is the sweet boy and he and Pitts are scientifically both challenged and inspired.

Mr Keating tells them to rip out anything that restricts their thinking. Poetry should be FELT. After all, we each have poetry in us and we each apply it in different ways. Not everyone actually reads and writes poetry, some spend hours trying to find a solution to a problem. That is what the movie is about to me, the spirit of that poetry and I feel it could have alienated people had it been more about the poetry, instead it doesn't pay "lip service" to poets and poems, but it gets right down to their core; which is their spirit.

And I would have done what they did in their cave meetings too, which is basically have fun.

My only minor "problem" with the movie lies in what Keating says- despite not being a scientist myself, I believe science can also be a source of beauty, poetry and something to stay alive for also. But I'm taking Mr Keating too literally and I'm sure Meeks and Pitts who were the scientists would have remebered what Mr Keating said and applied passion to science.

The tragedy of the movie lies in the most passionate and proactive personality in the movie, the one whose Mr Keating's teachings light a fire inside. It is even more tragic given the year..perhaps ten years later, what happens would not have happened, one has to wonder.

There have been those who find that storyline unrealistic and yet it is realistic, in that it happens. It's also a cautionary tales to parents who want to live through their children, I can even see similarities in this movie and Mahabharat which is a big epic in India based on fact.

For me it took time to understand the character involved the storyline, because the movie is not a sit down let's talk type, it doesn't give you the answers, it doesn't underestimate the audience, it's an old school movie. I will say no more other than I think this character wanted to seize the passion.

And like life, things and people in Dead Poets Society are always moving, the movie relies on you as an audience to pay attention and you might, just might, catch something that you missed before or that the person next to you missed. Poetry isn't going to make your life neat and tidy nor is it going to change your life, that is up to you. Mr Keating didn't come along with an in depth character anaylsis and the movie is dynamic, it has kinetic energy, when you see Welton, you see see different angled shots in the corridors, in class rooms, outside you see nature, there's music, on paper it sounds like any other movie but onscreen Dead Poets Society is alive. Mr Keating represents the movie..and we represent the students. He COULD change our lives..if we keep ourselves open to what he says. That's how I like to watch this movie.

And the final scene was not trite nor sweet to me, nor a kiss up, it was a final straw for a a living, breathing, sad, perhaps angry and inspired soul of a student AND a boy. A sweet ending wouldn't have any of that because it would tie things up and not leave them open. But like life Dead Poets Society isn't a carefully arranged neat little present. It's only neatness lies in how its made, a beautiful quality of a movie, I don't know the technical terms but I can say the cinematography and the direction are not slow, or too fast, when Keating is talking you see his words in each of the students faces, their reactions. Peter Weir the director has links between his movies, action and reaction and every person taking charge of their life, you watch Gallipoli, The Truman Show and Master and Commander, it's about human spirit. The final scene of Dead Poets Society is about human spirit, don't conform, take charge of your life and make a stand for what you believe in. The power of that scene can be applied to a grand action or a small one, but it's something I remember whenever I am forced to cower, with the rest of the world as Mr Nolans (Headmaster of Welton) trying to get me to their way or to be quiet. Except I watched the movie and I won't.


p.s. this has been published on IMDB Here is the link, I'm under goodnightandgoodluckyou and stuff like this makes me happy that I'm in the world. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097165/usercomments?start=67

The way it has gone is bad.

I think this should be my last entry on this. I'm feeling sick. That place is a darker pink with the red hole bigger and it's not better at all. At least I will be able to tone it down with concealer as the peeling of skin has gone but its still going to stick out like its sore.

Tomorrow I will buy some bio oil because I misplaced the one I used yesterday night. What with all the tissues and washing hands. I'd laugh but I'm on the verge of crying. Now I've got to deal with what I have.

I just wish there was some way to make me stop looking in the mirror, I just keep looking is it getting any worse all the time. Well it's not getting any better. And the lump on my other cheek is well developed, it looks like an insect bite.

Anyway I know with bio oil and in one months time I will see an improvment, till then I better not cleanse twice a day and all that, just once is enough and just once for the bio oil is fine. You'd think I'd learn my lesson from past experiences,i suppose i hadnt encountered peeling like this for years and got too cocky and forget that last time the same thing happened.

My skin is without concealer atm, in fact i will keep it bare when i come home and wash the make up off and cleanse and apply the bio oil. I don't wear much make up anyway.

In the mornings i will focus on getting ready and just using water on my face and then moisturiser and bio oil. I won't be seeing a dermatolgist for sometime, this is going to take time to heal anyway. This topic is dead.

this is the part where i get excited..skin diary

but know it could go either way. the spot on my CHEST started i swear to god oozing pus on its own. i thought that was skin but no. and it then started bleeding. the lump has gone but theres gonna be pigmentation/scar. ive placed a band aid to stop my top getting blood.

im typing with one hand on the cotton wool on my CHEEK, the other on computer. So on my right cheek where it was blood red something, i dont know if it was new skin or a scab forming, i had put concealer. in the bathroom i looked a blotchy mess. so i washed the concealer off and saw the skin peel. Ive aided it I regret to say..last time i did this i was stuck with a pigmentation mark for months but bio oil did help me. And time. Its still got a bright red tiny dot in the centre that makes the whole thing look red from a distance. This is what i was left with once two, three years ago. I'm going to have to be careful about infection. No more savlon- in fact maybe ever. It just gives me dry skin and on open pores clogs them ..but the white colour of takes the redness away for about 2 seconds, that was what I liked about it. I should never have bled that spot, I mean taking the pus out just pressing AROUND it was okay under steam, that pus was ready to come out but bursting the actual spot - no. It tends to burst all of a sudden and then blood comes out so soon and i can't stop that. Then I'm left with pigmentation and scarring. Now the skin looks new, shiny and pink again with a bright red hole. So I'm just going to keep it clean, moisturised and concealed. But I still look blotchy with the concealer in the bathroom mirror, like my skin is so sallow and pale pigmentation stands out. I don't want to look someone in the eye and have to ask for maybe a lighter concealer to take away the redness, I really don't. Motto; don't look in the mirror and don't TOUCH a new forming spot. It may itch just a little or tingle but don't touch it, keep it concealed and don't stay at home just because you can. Go out.

So that's the update on 11th April. *sighs and promises to God to never use Savlon again* I took the cotton wool of my cheek about a minute ago.

Personally with all these preferences I read about in writing whether fact or fiction

I have to wonder how much people want to control each other.

Firstly, in a publication that posts about a woman losing weight and also apprently her personality and relationships, I think it's good to read about the bad as well as sucess stories as a warning when one becomes obsessed or extreme with themselves and perhaps others, but said publication tends to post a lot of she's too fat and she's too thin disguised under "Ms Rooney steps out in unflattering dress" something like this. They're always doing this, there's more articles on the female figure than there are anything else in here.

They are catering to the too many preferences and obsession and narrowmindedness over one woman objectified in one way with her big breasts, tiny stomach and long legs and another being objectified in another way with her thin face, thin legs and breasts that are not bigger than a C. As far as I am concerned this publication may as well call itself Nuts, Zoo, or Playboy with their narrowminded views on women. "Hawt or fugly haters" You would think we were at school but this is how some men think of women. They fail to get it through that a persona that comes off as dimensional as a piece of cardboard is going to be viewed negatively in fact it's YOUR problem.

Through thick, through thin in all respects of that word, through the tough times, through supporting someone when they are being challenged, not remembering the persona you married, the fun loving, bubbly looking woman..seriousness and dimesions in a woman are equated with high maintenance and repulsion/rejection, you married a woman not a persona.

Infidelity IS a big deal.

I'm reading, have been reading for months now various articles and opinions of Tiger Woods. He is of course the awesome golfer who is an icon. But he cheated on his wife with several women, one who is a porn star.

Firstly there has been sympathy quite rightly so for his wife. I don't care how much she knew of his infidelity, if she even knew at all, I really don't think the woman was crying with tears of happiness to her kids, I love your cheating Daddy so much! You know? Any tears would be out of frustration and anger. I think she deserves sympathy as a mother, wife and a woman.

Secondly I read men cheating on their wives who look like models and those on their wives who don't. I have read comments on wives who don't take on a model appearance, which are less than sympathetic towards her. To those I say, grow up. When you are in a relationship with someone you don't dick around literally, you respect her. So when you make vows, you should do it more so. What are you a little boy?

Tiger Woods should continue to play golf in peace. If there is any talk of his infedility by a golf commentator, that is shameful and commentator should be sacked in my opinion. But as a man, I don't have any respect for him. I don't care if he's a tormented soul.

I keep thinking back to Bill Clinton. Some people say some great men, men who are talented and proactive have these ..habits. I know about the Kennedys reputations. Personally I think these men are disgusting. I am fully in favour of a president resigning because he was dicking around with his secretary or a famous actress or another woman, whatever the woman, because I don't want to see that man's face in power like that. It's not that I don't think he's good at his job..the presidancy not the dicking around part, but that he is a disgusting human being. Sure there are more disgusting out there, paedophiles, rapists but to me infidelity IS big deal and vows should be taken more seriously.

And as for the woman who is accused of not paying attention to the husband, the woman who maybe loses her sexual appetite later, wouldn't it be nice if the husband could control his dick and wait I don't care how long it is and have some BALLS you know not just balls but GUTS and COURAGE to say look I know there's no right time to do this but I have to talk to you about our marriage.

Grow up guys grow up. Any woman who cheats on her husband, I take the same view on, though I think more men are more sexually aggressive than women, I' m not going to go easier on a woman who breaks her vows.

11th April. Skin diary.

I sat out and got some air on my skin yesterday. When I came in, I put water on the places before applying hydrating serum and later savlon. It was nice to feel cool on those places. Today, when I got up I put savlon on both places after looking like I had a face of red pits in my bathroom mirror in the dark - before putting savlon I applied a coldish water cotton ball to each place and then gently patted dry with tissue.

I'm not being gentle enough on the left cheek one where it's tender and in new stages, getting more red by the day but the lump is not as big as the one WAS on my right cheek- in fact this left cheek one actually looks like a normal spot except not a small one. So I'm going to wash off the savlon, apply moisturiser and then concealer.

After doing excersises which dont involve much sweat at all, I'll wash my face again this time with gentle cleanser and apply bio oil. After 15 minutes I am applying moisturiser, hydrating serum and concealer. I don't want to keep applying water to my face and I want to lay off the savlon EDIT and only apply once a day if that. I had a spot on my chestand that has done very well thank you WITHOUT savlon persistance. So I'm going to keep the concealer on for the rest of the waking day. It's when I see red pits that I get scared, no joke, my face is sallow and my cheeks espcially.

I just want to take my mind of this and move on - and I need to keep the right cheek with the needs to form new skin or have the red fade- moisturised( i dont think its going to scab actually but the lump has gone more or less completely) and I've noticed things improve even when I have concealer on- it's not a liquid one, just a clarins non comedegnic (cant spell the phrase).

Tomorrow I intend to enjoy my day and not look at my face in the car mirror or outside window- it's magnified though and I must remember that!

I've decided to keep a skin diary. Starting 10th April.

I think when you are trying to get to the root of a problem you should have your facts 100 percent straight.

I want this to be public because I want someone to read this and be inspired to do so for when they like me go and see a dermatologist in the future. I will be printing my diary off. Lucky dermatologist.

So down to the details,

I noticed today since I got this lump on my cheek about a week ago, that I was getting more irritation which either I just noticed today or had worsened. On my left cheek I have two spots which feel tender and moist, they're newly forming. They look pink and little lump at the moment but nothing noticeable from a distance. So they're quite new and it seems I shouldn't clog them because they seem open.

Now, The Lump on my right cheek has got this bright red bit to it and that was from it bleeding yesterday- so that is going to get a new layer of skin /scab and has got something already. The best thing I have decided to do is keep it hydrated anyway. It will be hard to wear makeup which I need to take my mind of things come Monday and not scare anyone at work so I need to keep that part moisturised- though I have to be careful that the lump, that has lessened quite well but still there, doesn't increase in size and I have found products can get into lumps and do that- in my case. With regards to the scare at work thing, I'm hardly the first person with skin problems and my case is mild but I've had the recoiling thing before- it's not nice for people to look at, not that I have to please them I just don't want the recoil part.

I also have noticed some irritation, whether it's a spot or just a light pink rash near but not next to one very small and non lumpish white head on the same cheek. It's this that has made me throw out a regular moisturiser I bought. I have only used that once but I can't take any risks. It is Oil of Olay but I have Clarins ones which have been very good to me- as long as they're for combination skin, in the past and I can tell the difference in the texture between them and Oil of Olay and both have spf and anti pollution properties. I'll see how my skin goes with the new Clarins moisturisers that I've had to open since my old one ran out.

I was going to give the bio oil I miss. I read that it has mineral oil and yes it is VERY oily but I think it helps reduced redness, it has helped me before, if I think about it it has caused pores to be clogged but if pores are closed and you blot excess oil with a tissue then I should be okay. I will only use it on the blood red part. Let's see how it goes. Because it's an oil it will keep my scab/new layer of currently dry skin moisturised well. I'm not going to use a q tip to apply the oil because I find I may waste too much liquid funnily enough and I don't like to even gently prod my skin. When I apply bio oil I leave it there for 10 minutes at least before applying anything else.

Everytime my hands go away from my face and I am applying a product, I will be washing my hands. I do this and keep a tissue handy too- as a result I have dry skin on my fingers and in between but hey I have Clarins hand treatment cream- which works better than the Vaseline brand for me I can even tell by the texture.

I will "plug" Clarins because they're less harsh than Clinque and have so MANY products and they are good to my sensitive skin.I really think my skin would be worse if I used a non Clarins moisturiser. My skin also heals with time, a lot of time sometimes, but it heals quite well. I think a good daily skin care regime is part of that. And that has also helped me turn my skin around from when I was at school and I had dry skin with patches (mild). My skin has always been more clear than not but when it's good, it's really good and it was never really good at school and I had breakouts then as I do now, same old story but perhaps just more time to think about it now and so I think my breakouts now are more frequent, they may not be compared to at school.

It's not a competition but nice to know that Clarins actually works. And I don't think it is that much more if any more expensive than other fancy brands and also Oil of Olay. I think my dry patches and Oil of Olay don't get along.

Alright, so this is the state of my skin today. More details I should go into are, I normally have a shower daily to wash my hair and body and don't spend more than 5 minutes in there, in fact I'm now going to spend 2 as I don't want too much heat on my skin. When I wash my face it is mostly in the sink and not shower. If in the shower I wash my hands before I put them on my face.

I use a gentle foaming cleanser, literally. I don't like the exfoliating cleanser and I only exfoliate twice a week and again I use a product that is as gentle as possible for an exfoliating product. Yup, yup again Clarins. I have been using Clarins for more than 5 years now and have consultations twice a year with them as well as specific facials designed for my type or skin and non spot/irritation problem areas. When I have irritations, I don't put on masks until after a fortnight. My skin is too sensitive sometimes and needs to left alone.

I also splash luke warmish/mildish/coldish water on my face when I step out the shower after I wash and quickly dry my hands. My face isn't hot or anything but tends to get warmer especially under any heat than other parts of my body. Funnily enough my nose is always cold. My cheek are sensitive but even in the sun- which I don't get much of- are cold. It's just touching them to apply something that makes them warm. I make sure they don't burn.

I am applying a little Savlon to the bright red part twice a day after I wash that part. But no where else. I found Savlon also clogs my pores which just must be very open.

I am not taking Ibuprofen tablets anymore. The inflammation has lessened and any other inflammation could be because of the Iburprofen- more likely to be caused by that than it taking it away. I'm always careful of the dose but for a lump/s on my face I don't think Ibuprofen targets that though it increase any irritation there.

I apply a moisturiser always with clean hands. I am also applying a serum to the scab/harder skin thing. But I blot the excess moisture from serum with a tissue. Again no q tip prodding. I am going to try and apply the moisturiser as gently as possible. I only moisturise twice a day after gentle cleansing. If I don't wear make up I only cleanse and moisturise after I wash in the morning.

I make sure I keep all products away from sunlight and clean and not more than a year old.

I clean out my make up brush every week and make sure it's super dry before applying putting it back in its cleaned out with a tissue box. I also blot my concealer with a tissue everytime I use it before and after and same for my blusher. And I sweep my make up brush across another tissue after I have used it and before. I think this obsession despite my problems has paid off.

See you tomorrow!

They tried to get me published, I say no, no, no.

Or maybe, maybe, maybe.

Look, the fact is I do not care if I have offended every single publisher on earth and have thrown of any chance of getting published- for the past few months, I haven't even talked to a publisher out of my choice and basically do not have an interest in being published. Unless they were to offer me a thousand pounds...I'd pay my parents back for crap I've bought and then I'd be out of the contract as soon as it ended but if it was a lifetime contract, I'd turn down the money.

It was never a goal for me to be a published writer. I need to write, I do it because I've got to do it. For me blogging is the way to go, giving people my stories for free. A part of me loves it when authors get their work in print, there IS something beautiful about seeing your characters on a feel it in your hands page and rubbing your hands over the cover of the book and the smell of books (yes I'm mad, so?). But it's not a goal for me and I have to wonder, was it ever? I am ambitious when it comes to what I want but there is in fact little that I want though I say I want it all- I think I mean all mostly when it comes down to perverted things and the general happiness of life and stuff. As for success, being a succesful writer is indeed something- it means lots of people can relate your books and or they love them. But the idea of making a lot of money out of it- why does that bug me a little? Maybe it's because I have a slight poor little rich girl attitude; I've never once been without money. And yes I appreciate it that though I'd appreciate it more and have more hunger and motivating fear in my ambition if I were poor. So I think peace and harmony are more important that money and materials though they can inspire you and you can use them. After all here I am typing on my computer..if I didn't have this, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Good and bad.

So if someone called me and said you're published. Would I say no? I'd go along with it with no expectancy and no long term binding contract. I do not want to be bound to what could turn out to be corruption. I've heard the stories and I wonder about the publishing world I really do.

My issue is with them as well as the famous authors who get published. There's one person, an actor I admire and you know, he his book published and part of me thinks, okay, really you want to see your work in print or you wanted to get some infamy? Because I have this weird thing where I kind of trust him and his passion for the written word, I'd go for the former on this even though his publishers and Amazon probably thought Happy Birthday to us!

Oh man, it's some world we live, eh. But don't print me on it.(Was too easy).

I once read in this book a checklist this woman made some days

I think I will make one too, it's not a bad idea. I don't remember the name of the book but I do remember buying it from Loose ID and it was by Melinda Barron. I'll probably buy it again today and blog on Kinky.

Okay so for now, my checklist

1. Ignore everyone. People who insist on you having a tan everywhere have superficial standards that are too high and do you really care what such people think?

2. People shouldn't give you a hard time or anyone else but that's the way they in particular seem to run and operate, maybe their organs would burst open if they didn't take out their bitchiness on anyone the whole week or 24 hours. They're bitches, male or female, ignore them, they're not YOUR bitches!

3. And the most valuable advice, when reacting to an insult judge the person giving and remember you don't have to take it. You have done hard work in becoming who you are in every way including physically, and look pretty amazing if you do say so yourself in a dress, you look lithe and have legs that are well formed with slim ankles, in the past someone who is bigger than you smirked at you, does that take away from YOUR positives? And maybe that speaks of their own bullying or reaction to prejudices from other people, who knows. It's their bullshit, not yours.

And you look great in jeans too. Have a happy and non childish weekend, be the bigger person and appreciate the positives and nature, after all that's what stays.

There's a discussion on imdb about parents like the fictional Neil Perry's existing today.

There's also black and white and I wanted to put across that not all parents who act the same may have the same intention. In particular comparing Asian parents to Mr Perry.

"So you're Asian too?

I'll make sure my mum or dad doesn't read this, haha. I don't think they'd appreciate our humour combined with a dead serious observation. Well, being Asian myself, more specifically Indian and girl, oh no, I know my parents wanted to me to go into Medicine (surprise!), but they said it's because it's a stable job and I get that. They really wanted the best for me in life and that I shouldn't be waiting for a job for years and to be independant and make a life for myself. But at the same time they're always there for me and we've had our arguments before. Anyway this isn't a history so I'll finish soon, promise, I think perhaps other Asian parents want the stability thing as opposed to Neil Perry's dad who wanted to live out his own dreams and seize opportunities through his son. There's maybe always an element of wanting your kids to do better than you did, and not pass up on things and take things more seriously ( I don't think Neil's father knew even half of how serious Neil was about acting, he just did not get it) but some parents genuinly do want their kids to be stable especially when they have struggeled hard in a new country themselves, which isn't just a line fed to the kids, there's a big truth in it.

But in answer to the original question, I'm sure parents like Neil's exist today, and it's not just in situations that are obvious, and not only that, people like Neil's dad who can't see past their own nose as they say exist too. There's so much conformity from small things to clothes which can turn into big things, a reason someone is physically abused in one social setting. People can make you feel trapped and like you're banging your head against a brickwall, I definitely get what Neil was going through but I now have the independance to go my own way as lonely as that can be."

Friday means spread the word.

This is a rather cool website. I am friends with Paul Maher Jr on face book and he has a great sense of humour and is truly one of those people you can learn from. He's written about Jack Kerouac who has inspired a lot of people and being a Dead Poets Society fan I can see similarities in what I know about Kerouac to the adventure and spirit of that group and the character of Nuwanda. Paul has also collected poems from Henry David Thoreau and there's some insight into more of his work including some beautiful photography. Have a visit on this link and don't be afraid to leave a message or comment, carpe diem, don't be shy!

http://www.wix.com/mahervisions/MAHERVISIONS

Take care all and happy reading. In fact shouldn't we make one weekend a reading weekend? We could learn so much. Just a thought for now, but am going to seriously have some kind of 10 books- in fact why not 50? you should read before you die book club. Watch this space.

My interpretation of my horoscope.

Now whenever I read one it doesn't tend to stay in my mind. But a a few years ago and years before that, my mum told someone my date of birth and various other details about me and they predicted a few things. You're thinking this just a load of....but I do believe some people may have a grasp of these things and just because you can't understand it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I don't follow that or the previous horoscope religiously and I also quite frankly like to throw a finger up to "fate," and the only thing I believe about destiny is that it is limiting. If what is meant to be will be, I'd rather die than it being. It's true, what kind of person puts you through a limitation, I don't care if it is good for the soul and I don't care if I'm disrespecting God or a creator, in fact I'd like to have a few words with them. Why can't I have what someone else is having, am I not good enough for that, don't tell me it is just not me or not for me, this is how I think so I was never going to believe in fate and destiny or follow it.

So, in the previous horoscope which I was informed about 10 years ago, I was to be married about 2 years ago and be in the academic field. That turned out incorrect and I'm happy about that. Did I go out of my way to make that incorrect? No, I just went with the flow. I'm not making a conclusion here, that horoscopes don't work but sometimes they don't and more so, I'm happy they don't. If I had met someone fallen in love and said yes to marriage to them, I would have felt trapped. I still have so much to explore and I want to do it on my own and I want to sow my wild oats and I want to explore BDSM. I'm finding things out about myself without thinking of hubbie, to me that's necessary. I'm not Mother Teresa, I don't care about being selfish or in touch with my inner peace even, I just want to live.

I also am very glad I didn't go into any academic field. But funnily enough there is one which I want to go into out of necessity..I'll come back to this later.

Now, in the most recent horoscope which I was informed of say 2 years ago, I was told that I would get married but divorced if I didn't consult astrology. I do believe it is possible that someone though they may be the greatest force in your life can just turn out to not be right for you- but I would much rather be with them and see what happens. I can't say no to love AND lust and I won't. Passion means a lot to me. Steadiness, compatibility and the long term means less- perhaps it won't in ten years time but I owe it to myself to not settle.

I was also told that should I get divorced, I'd get married again. This time to someone Indian like myself. Now, this is not a justification but I'm giving a reason as to why I do not actively look for relationships with Indian men. I don't like being limited. I want to believe the world is my oyster. Not that that anyone owes me anything aside from common decency and respect (they're in debt), but I just will not go for someone because I should. That's not to say I avoid interest from Indian men or that I react to them differently than to men who aren't Indian, in fact I'm always interested to talk to people about our culture and what we may have in common, those who aren't competitive and bitchy and superficial, but that won't stir me romantically. I just don't look for common ground and equate that with okay possible relationship alert. To be challenged, inspired not just by something different but by someone one step ahead of me, that is what turns me on.

Another thing this horoscope said is that I could go into dermatology. You know, I may have to. I don't trust the internet, sometimes it's a guide and sometimes it posts utter crap never mind what is one person's harm is another person's cure, some of the stuff is utter CRAP, and I don't trust non specialist and general doctors. A dear friend said to me, let's get to the root of the problem. That's what I want to to do. I may go into that or diet and nutrition or both. It's a big step, a big hurdle but I gotta do what I gotta do. No fate, no destiny, if I want something I should try and do it.

Oh no Sex and The City, because it's just too much, I mean we have the concept of Lara Croft and Black Widow, what MORE could us women possibly want?

To; Producers of Sex and The City 2. Subject; Is it that time of the month again? From; a self confessed grumpy old in his thirties.

The body of the email is empty. Nevertheless this computer knows the guy looks at young women porn, thinks empowerment means dressing up in a catsuit for a little boys movie and is unware of the concept of evolution beyond the survival of the fittest/ "babes."

Don't you love being patronised?

Today I read about a tall woman who hates being tall. You know where I read this. Yes, the website I go to when I have problems and need to read something cheap and easy to take my mind off. And this one always goes for the responses that will get people angry or offended, mostly women.

So, I'm reading about this woman called Ally and she is something like 6ft tall. And they have her wearing massive long red heels in a dress that reaches almost reaches her thighs in fishnet-ty type tights and holding a brush to the roof or placing with ease the cereal box on the top shelf. I mean, that's just a complete mockery of this woman. You can laugh at yourself to an extent but don't do that or don't agree to that at least. I also think there are better way to get one's point across. Her point was that she has to deal with daily stares and comments on her height and there need to be a Tall section in most shops.

Being a petite, there needs to be a petite section too and there needs to be less intimidation from others when just because you are shorter than them. So I know abuse and hassle quite well.

Trying on the short trouser length in the regular section, I need heels and even then I get some excess material so it takes me hours too to get one pair of trousers that fit. And don't get me started on dresses. I asked the shopgirl at one of the stores I shop at quite regularly if they had a petite section and she said no we don't. Well how about telling me a store that does?

In fact this is the only store I go to for troursers because I already know my rough size there so it's less hassle for me but take me to a trendier store and I'd give up after the 5th trourser is too long. When you get jeans shortened, then they ruin the stiching at the bottom and the sides of the leg don't look right so in my opinion it's actually not worth it and the tailor charges you 40 pounds for something that's not quite right.

You may as well go to the town that stocks petite. In this day and age having to travel for that is laughable and perhaps could be reflective of someone's lack of market research, there's many short girls like me as there are many taller ones and taller ones still, and I could be made to feel like some people can't tolerate me ..but unlike Ally I refuse to believe I am the problem. I was made the way I am and I love the fact that I am me. People are quite quick to jump to black and white; if you are you happy with yourself why do you talk about your flaws, but I never called them flaws, I always say "flaws" because that is what others have made them out to be and I talk about everything especially things that affect my health, body, skin and day to day life.

So I don't have a problem with me but I do have have a problem with having a problem and what I would like is not a quick solution but a solution period. I once wanted tolerance and respect but the rose tinted glasses are off, I'm afraid I don't live in a world where no one can make you feel inferior withour consent, that's a beautiful quote but in my world, just not true.


I'm not going to ever say to someone we'll you're lucky being tall. I know how people are, they will mock ANYTHING. I know there are problems you have to face for a tall woman and I know the positives for them too, the superficial and the practical. I empathise with anyone who has been bullied. It fucks you up. Getting a few comments affects anyone no matter what they say but getting tormented makes your life very difficult, "even" if it's in the past and you've since had makeovers and surgeries, I can read a woman's comments and spot that she's been bullied a mile off, I just know what happens to your psyche and I can see her survival mechanism. We're in this together I want to say, I don't particularly care for boyfriends who are attracted to one's breasts or legs and I don't particularly care for society and what's hot and what's not. I'm in this life for some kind of humanity and human connection with the frills and the fun but without the boneheads- so I make my own frills and fun. I'm taking a different road and it's one where I refuse to be patronised; you are "too tall," you are "too short," "too tall" and "too short" for what? To be found attractive? To be found attractive to whom? Know those who insult you, judge whether they are suitable for a comeback or reaction from you and if they're not, put them in the Too Shallow For You box and don't get patronised.

Annoyed and unsure of what to do.

Perhaps it's better to do nothing. From past experience I've learned that is certainly better than making an effort..because those efforts don't work and make the problem worse. Again, I have some sort of hard lump and surrounding redness on my face. I could see it forming earlier this week, I could feel it even, out of curiosity I may have put pressure on it, it's clearly very sensitive and the surrounding redness is because it's tender as hell. The lump is just so hard, different to your average pimple, and I've had this type of lump before.

With a cream it takes 2 weeks to heal and causes more redness, without the cream it takes 3 weeks if not a month and I don't get the redness. I'm likely to go without the cream, it's not getting worse, I hope, but it's not getting any better.

Everytime I get ready, it goes redder, evreytime I get undressed, the same. It just need to be left the hell alone. I was using bio oil on my previous scar that this lump is right next to (which may helped my scar or maybe simply time helped it) but I'm not using bio oil anymore since I don't know if this has spread an infection. I now have a dark pink blotch on a sallow, pale cheek- which is what tends to happen to me.

I 've been diagonosed differently three times and two times out of four, a cream has made things worse.

I have something on my upper chest too which I assume is a red boil.. I'm not sure if this whole thing could be adult chicken pox. I'm assured I have had chicken pox before ..though not by my parents who don't remember anything.

I wonder if it's shingles. I'm not a hyprochondriac but I do often research these things on the net. You see, it takes HOURS to get a diagnosis which may or may not be right one from the hospital and days to get an appointment at my locoal doctors and again, they may not be right. On top of this, and I blog this because I wonder if it's related; I seem to have broken out into tiny little white filled pimples on my hairline- which could be because of my hair product, all 2 of them and I don't use much but there was one point where I did..if could even be shampoo because my skin and hair are just different and weird. (That's probably why I never grow my hair, it just looks like a big round shag growing out before down).

I know there is something in my blood and if I take antibiotics, it takes a week anyway to calm the place down but the lump will still be there, without the antibiotics it's the same story too.

Unless I'm contagious, which is why I was looking on the internet then I just do not have will to go to the hospital. I'm hoping I can just take my mind of it now and let it- well not get worse. It takes 3 weeks to heal but I hope the lump at least gets less sore- you'd be amazed how long that takes, because it's not a pimple it's something else, it doesn't act like a usual spot, it just stays inflamed.

That's it, in my next life I'm coming back as a man.

Everytime I see one they make me SICK. Movies with men are 100, 100 times more interesting to me than those about women. Not all of us are tender little souls who put on a whimpering voice when distressed, we have blood running through our veins too! So why doesn't Girl Interrupted have that same raw ENERGY as One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest? I feel shortchanged by men and women. I feel really pissed off I'm a woman. Even the control freak sadist Nurse Ratched I feel would be portrayed differently if the movie had more females in it. I've seen it happen before.

Mona Lisa Smile compared to Dead Poets Society and yes I do compare, there's was this SOPPY subplot in MLS. And women are either sluts or "fat" virgins; GET REAL. That's not my reality and I know I'm not the only one.

And speaking of Girl Interrupted, Jolie was good but compare her to Nicholson, he gives a chilling performance and it's just so confident and graceful, yes even despite his character, graceful, I would have loved to see Jolie directed better, pushed harder, whatever she just didn't do it for me, which I hate because I prefer women to men. But men have a better deal in this world, eye roll I'm sure, but it's true and you know it, we just can't say anything because we're supposed to be so goddamned serene and feminine all the time. Fucking men and women.

I blog about everything and nothing.

Today was one of those nothing days. I didn't get much sleep, I couldn't get back to sleep after taking 2 pills, then I was in two minds, should I go out (it was a really sunny day here) or stay in..of course when I have that pain in my head and eyes from lack of sleep, I tend to stay in if given the choice. I also watched the movie Stella with Bettle Midler. I love Trinny Alvarado in this movie. I miss the days of Winona Ryder, Alvarado, Jean Louisa Kelly (Uncle Buck), Molly Ringwald, girls who didn't fit cliches..they had certain habits which made the movie funnier- Ryder especially- but now I don't see many females on the small screen that I can identify with, and that's why I love the 80s and 90s movies. I CAN relate to America Ferrera in Real Women Have Curves not because she had curves but because she plays a woman who makes the term "real women" proud. I believe in that term. People who say oh I'm a size 8, aren't I real, have totally missed the concept. I think of real women as more no nonsense women but those who have so many dimensions to their personalities, they have complexities and depth and Ferrera's character Ana was a real woman. I used her character's name for a romantic story I did later on, I hope the spirit of that character was alive in my own.

The more I can just be around by own thoughts, the better for me. I remember the time when my own thoughts were the only thing I could stand to be around and even today, part of my decision to not go outside was that I just didn't want to be around anyone. I don't like society, I don't like the people I encounter so for peace of mind yes I avoid them when I can.

Peace of mind is underrated.

However, I do enjoy going outside for long walks and tomorrow I'm putting my best dress, literally, and meeting my family.


Anyway, today I was thinking also about going back to my former diet. I have maintained my weight through thought and moderation/if you eat extra, do something extra, which is about 55kg but I've noticed my skin is quite irritated in places and that got me thinking about the chocolate biscuits and salt and preservatives as part of the baked snacks I LOVE so much..but I left off them last year, I can do it again. I suppose it takes a breakout to make you act positively and not just bemoan the fact that this always happens to you. Shit tends to happen. It's all part of being human, the systems we have inside, our cells, our blood, our organs, which is why it's hardly unsurprising to have break outs or to get eczema (for me on my face- yum) or get acne. At least mine is pink at the moment and is manageably in one place and not blood red but if it is tomorrow morning, I can't freak out about it. I can still look pretty..and human. It annoys me when I see how superificial people are, I mean even reading throwaway comments like that on Sex and The City, they refer to those women as witches, which as a term is kind of funny but what they're witches because they don't fit the mold of the perfect and sweet woman? Funny how that Charlotte character is the one who didn't scare the shit out of people, maybe it's because she's naive and submissive..something she grows out of later. Carrie is sweet like Charlotte but that's lost on people.. after reading why men "hate SJP" I can only come to the conclusion that thank God I'm not sitting next to one at the moment, how needy and intolerant these immature mum's/girlfriends' boys are, she happens to say what's on her mind and it's not oh gee that's swell or can I kiss your arse/cock, boo hoo. Annoying.

Moving on, I hope tomorrow is more productive, I don't really like wasting my days and it makes sleep that much harder. It's not like I'll learn my lesson though. Short term history repeats itself!

Living each day as if it were the last...or maybe the first.

I was listening to the late Maurice Jarre CD and his music for the movie Dead Poets Society. It's funny and strange how I should enjoy and come to love that movie. I never got along with males at school, in fact I found and find them tricky, the majority that I have encountered are either hard hearted or hard shelled and have empathy for those and that they want and no one and nothing else.

There are some girls who are still living in a school clique even when they're on holiday there and there are some women whom ten years older still adopt that I'm the IT girl attitude, move out of my way literally and figuratively.

But I love the boarding school aspect of that movie even though I was made to hate school and I like the character Todd. It's not just the YAWP scene and final one that I like about him, it's the fact that he is a soulful person. I am happy to say I am a Todd and a part of me, a small part is a Neil though not socially, but there's so much depth to me which like Todd is undermined and overlooked when I'm not writing. I also feel awkward and shy like him and have been made to feel worthless. His older brother is the star of the family and whilst in real life things may not appear as black and white, I can tell you the star of the family is only the star to the family and not to the outside world. So, I know him and I like him. I don't think he's embarassing, especially because I know what we have and are, are the most important things, only we truly know ourselves.

It was a sunny day and with the CD on in my car, as I was driving to my other home where I work, wearing my flats, jeans and a cropped wool blazer, I felt like a girl going to a boarding school. If someone were to make a movie, I'd be Todd or Meeks. The studious, serious looking, plain but in the right light, pretty-ish girl who perhaps would have to undergo some sort of make over/fight to be valued and accepted as a Neil. But that is superficial. The real world is superficial. They see things as black and white as I have described.

If Welton Academy accepted girls, I imagine the school being claustrophobic. Perhaps a little like a mall or a shopping centre..afterall well learned people are superficial too and I imagine I would be seeing the Dead Poets gang with the Waspish girls and one cool, non Waspish girl. I think I would grow up pretty fast, struggling in a man's or "pretty girl's" world. Someone told me the "real world" is different to school. Perhaps it was to them but to me it hasn't been all that different. The basic systems are there. It would be my objective, my goal as it is now to walk around the place, my environment, and hold my head high each day and not to struggle with the Wasps and the jocks, but to own the place and the environment.

So tomorrow I'm going to be deluded, give everyone a reason to say I have an attitude problem and give as good as I get. I'm going to act like I own my Welton. Afterall, this is my movie and in this battlefield the Wasp or Jock doesn't win, I do.