Living each day as if it were the last...or maybe the first.

I was listening to the late Maurice Jarre CD and his music for the movie Dead Poets Society. It's funny and strange how I should enjoy and come to love that movie. I never got along with males at school, in fact I found and find them tricky, the majority that I have encountered are either hard hearted or hard shelled and have empathy for those and that they want and no one and nothing else.

There are some girls who are still living in a school clique even when they're on holiday there and there are some women whom ten years older still adopt that I'm the IT girl attitude, move out of my way literally and figuratively.

But I love the boarding school aspect of that movie even though I was made to hate school and I like the character Todd. It's not just the YAWP scene and final one that I like about him, it's the fact that he is a soulful person. I am happy to say I am a Todd and a part of me, a small part is a Neil though not socially, but there's so much depth to me which like Todd is undermined and overlooked when I'm not writing. I also feel awkward and shy like him and have been made to feel worthless. His older brother is the star of the family and whilst in real life things may not appear as black and white, I can tell you the star of the family is only the star to the family and not to the outside world. So, I know him and I like him. I don't think he's embarassing, especially because I know what we have and are, are the most important things, only we truly know ourselves.

It was a sunny day and with the CD on in my car, as I was driving to my other home where I work, wearing my flats, jeans and a cropped wool blazer, I felt like a girl going to a boarding school. If someone were to make a movie, I'd be Todd or Meeks. The studious, serious looking, plain but in the right light, pretty-ish girl who perhaps would have to undergo some sort of make over/fight to be valued and accepted as a Neil. But that is superficial. The real world is superficial. They see things as black and white as I have described.

If Welton Academy accepted girls, I imagine the school being claustrophobic. Perhaps a little like a mall or a shopping centre..afterall well learned people are superficial too and I imagine I would be seeing the Dead Poets gang with the Waspish girls and one cool, non Waspish girl. I think I would grow up pretty fast, struggling in a man's or "pretty girl's" world. Someone told me the "real world" is different to school. Perhaps it was to them but to me it hasn't been all that different. The basic systems are there. It would be my objective, my goal as it is now to walk around the place, my environment, and hold my head high each day and not to struggle with the Wasps and the jocks, but to own the place and the environment.

So tomorrow I'm going to be deluded, give everyone a reason to say I have an attitude problem and give as good as I get. I'm going to act like I own my Welton. Afterall, this is my movie and in this battlefield the Wasp or Jock doesn't win, I do.