"Get it out of yourself. Away so you can't curl up with it anymore."

Valerie: What would you have said to her?
Susanna: I don't know. That I was sorry. That I will never know what it was like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
Valerie: Susanna, it's all well and good to tell me all this; but you gotta tell some of this to your doctors.
Susanna: How the hell am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?
Valerie: But you do understand it. You spoke very clearly about it a second ago. But I think what you've gotta do is put it down. Put it away. Put it in your notebook, but get it out of yourself. Away so you can't curl up with it anymore.

From Girl Interrupted.

This is one of my favourite movies because it's about outsiders in an environment together.

I know what would happen to me if I was part of that environment, the same thing that is happening to me as it happened in my childhood. To all those who want to lose weight or change their appearance, who want a chance at life related to that or non, don't hold your breath that things will change and life will happen no matter how hard you try. But literally the world takes you at face value, so you might or might not be okay. I can't tell you for sure. I don't think like the phonies out there.

I see the world as a bunch of phonies and yes it feels good to use a Holden Caulfield line. Make sure you are someone else but not yourself, well for the past week I have been able to combine my sexuality and be the weird self I am. Look if the world has a problem with you, have you ever considered the world IS the problem, look at who people admire, look at their violence, their jealousy, their hierarchy, their superficiliaty, they're phoney. And I never was, I have faults course I fucking do, but I'm not a fake. And people say but I don't know who you really are, why because I'm not as one sided as you? Because I have more than three dimesions, big fucking deal, it's isolating, it causes aggression from others without so much a word from my side. How can I say that a 70 year old can look at me with as much disgust as 17 year old. Or a 7 year old and a 7 month old..I can't say this without hearing and maybe reading you're exaggerating, you're imagining, it's in your head. Whatever the fuck is in my head which changes it hasn't caused any different reaction from the outside world.

"Her sweetness is to make us like her better." That's so true it hurts. Except when I'm sweet, it's self defense and even then it's bullshit from their side.

So this is me getting it out of myself. I don't cry at this stuff anymore, I don't wish I was anything, I know that I am who I am and the world is phoney. I am surprised to see that people relate to me and that I have been called pretty and cool in cyberspace, because that's the opposite..BLAH BLAH BLAH I don't even care anymore. I walk a different path GLADLY to you phoney world.

I don't want to die anymore and it doesn't hurt to smile, I'm stronger or am I just switching off easier or superficially, I don't know but I have changed in the course of a few months, the last time I watched this movie I was different to watching it today.

I'm listening to Down Town and rocking my body. "Crazy" I don't care, I like it, I embrace it and I want to. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUSYb3igXzI