Therapy.

I've made a decision that in order to move forward, to achieve what I want, I need to believe that I don't have all the answers. I hope there is someone out there doing this for a living, who has enough experience to tell me something that comes as a surprise, or just something I didn't think of. Because mostly I think of everything.

I do things randomly too, one my days off, I don't know what I'm doing, I like to just see how it goes. But to think of everything, has been a strength and weakness of mine, nevertheless, I have to believe I haven't yet thought of everything. I ceratinly don't pretend to know everything and I don't think I do or that I'm always right. To me, to be right or wrong don't matter that much.

I also just need to have some help in trying not to feel like shit. I have written about this before, the problem is people think they understand but they don't understand you. They assume you have self esteem issues when it's the fact that you just do not know anything anymore, not that you hate everything, because you've been knocked so many times. I could never hate myself and why should I? I was born for better or for worse but I'm here, my mum worked hard to have me. I'm a gift to her and I'm a kind person, I have a lot of kindness. I think sometimes the kindest people are the most knocked. It's like other people can see that which sounds like I'm talking out of my arse, but I don't have negative things to say about someone's appearance the way others do. Even before I got severely bullied, and then went on to find that actually outside the school and college bubble, the world treated me as badly, I still have kept my inner kindness. I can't not be happy or excited about life, about appreciating it and when I'm doing that, and someone tries to knock me, I don't knock them because I'm feeling, well, too kind! Do you know what I mean? It's not just I'm in a moment or don't care, I actually feel so fucking full of love as ridiculous as it sounds when I'm out say in the great outdoors and even when someone pushes past indoors, I get over it, I don't glare at anyone. If I did, I know I wouldn't get anywhere, people aren't scared of me and I don't see why I should assert myself in such a negative way, negativity for negativity? I'll leave it to others.

I know it's all animal kingdom, survival of the fittest and treat those who don't meet ideals and requirements like shit, but I actually value every single human.

Why am I looked at when I eat, even after I lost the weight - a question I can ask my therapist without hearing the paranoid chestnut. I know there is something about me that offends or ticks people off before I even speak, that much I have established, I know when I'm on websites and on the phone, things aren't as bad, so it could be a full body view, view of all my clothes, the whole me, the way I move, the way I come across but I tried changing all that, I tried really hard, it didn't work. So I just want some answers, true answers not something I want to hear or something that is so not on the mark, I live in world where on an agoraphobic site, other agoraphobics equate appearance in profile photos to personality and what happens inside your body and mind.

So is there someone out there who can help me, give me therapy?

I remember playing this song, Caught In A Moment when I was writing Slowburn and I felt excitment. I also found it soothing, not comforting my woes, but relatable in a general sense.

I now feel like I should be dead outside, not just lay low but be dead. I don't know how many people can relate on that level, because I think they'd have taken their life. You may be wondering and you may think I'm exagerating, you have to truly live or have lived through it, sometimes you just have to be in that person's shoes. This is my documenting it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pxGZUMv3C4