Confidence.

I will never be thankful or grateful or make lemon juice out of life's lemons. I'm not going to soak it up and I'm not going to let it influence me. In some small ways, these things do influence you but I'm not happy about that. I am trying to hammer at the wall of bad stuff and knock it down so I can have my true self emerge bit by bit.

Bullying has made me lack confidence. I wonder if I have any at all. I do have esteem, I really do not have a problem with myself, I just don't see the need to worship myself and have a pedestal. I celebrate being human. Whilst I don't bring myself down regardless of what people think, I am honest and that honesty comes out of actual honesty, not bad feeling.

My lack of confidence extends to the way I walk. It's mostly avoid eye contact and fast and hard to get away as quickly as possible. And that extends to silly enough the shoes I wear. I bought these tan boots which I love but have been debating over whether to wear them or just forget about them. They're gorgeous. But they're a little too high heeled than I'm used to and that will require more confidence. See inside the house I can be graceful and walk body and head held high, outside, I feel very unsafe. And my pure, true self for want of a less holier than thou phrase, comes out when I write too.

I have social anxiety and that has been brought on from being bullied for 25 years. Since I was in an environment with other people my age, they have always had a problem with how I look. How sad that they do. Yet whilst I think they're pathetic for their behaviour towards me, not their reaction per se, I am knocked down by it all. I just don't want to be made fun of, but it's inevitable. So why not enjoy myself? I can only do so when I'm not feeling like I want to be left alone to have some freedom.

It used to be that when they stared at me and I stared back, they would keep staring, now sometimes they look away. If I wear anything which attracts some positive attention, nice shoes, a brooche, it's followed by glancing at the object and at my face ..do I not deserve to have these things. Does this face not deserve that. You'll say that my question is one of pity and bitterness but it's actually a rhetorical question. My face in particular has been mocked by other women making a motion on their face and then the other woman looking at my face and staring me straight between the eyes. This is one instance.

A woman that has known me since I was a child, has no trouble complimenting my female relative, her face, her body. This woman had no trouble complimenting me as a child, politely of course, but now she looks me up and down and picks on the oddest thing; "the shape of my hair" (excuse me?!) amongst other oh you have nice things type comments. So do other women. So do the women who receive such gallant behavour from both sexes, yet the looks they are given compared to mine just show that for me, it's ugly.

I'm also sick of men giving me a hard time. I don't really care that you hate the way I look, that you have something to say about my facial features and hair constantly and have to mock me because if it's not that, it was my weight. Nothing can be left alone, can it. And I don't care that my breasts are the only pretty things I possess according to you. Because I don't believe in objectifying myself for you. I'm a fully human and sexual woman, I just don't need to be put in ONE box. And I know you sometimes have issues about women and your own manliness and I know you can be bullies. I'm done with any interest I had in men in general.

I'm just looking for my freedom and that will come in getting some joy. That's why I'm going to put my sex life first, I want that human quality that is so important to sex back, I want to BE sexy. I want my confidence back because it has affected my life. And the way I see anyone who has contributed to that are as nothings, not people, they're just cardboards I pass by and have passed by.