Today as it is, I'm feeling a little uncomfortable because I'm due to start my period very soon. The fact that the things which happen every day have got to me more today could well be related to that, because it tends to happen, but also it was a non stop affair. It was a little like the days I used to have at school but as I am more in control of how I spend my days, I cut it shorter.
In summary, hatred and intolerance have come to the forefront today.
Look I can't ignore this all the time, I'm a human being too. And when I say all the time, I mean all the time.
I know someone reading this won't understand, because that's been made clear, but I don't know how else to say that when people male and female any age look you in the eye or don't move out your way at all, this isn't New York; people do move out of each other's way and because I just had enough, I was fierce and determined, they still did not move out of my way, so politeness, rudeness, all met with the same response; ugh why does she even exist. I've had people say something very similar but for the sake of not actually wanting to kill myself just yet, I still have things to do, I'm not going to. It would be too intense even for me.
But someone bought some knives and I just feel like harming myself today to get rid of the pain. It's too much now. I cried the whole journey home and still got shit on the roads. That I'm used to because put any man in a car, something happens called road rage. And that happens with some women too. For me, I just wanted to get home as quick as I could and as safely. Luckily, I'm experienced on the roads and I have a very excellently brakeable and manoeverable vehicle.
It's not only my freedom at stake, but my safety and the fact I have no chance of any enjoyment in life now. That's been made clear. It's just everyone; I can't take the stares between the eyes, or the plain rudeness and intolerance- its the intolerance. At least with abuse, I can give something back or I can put it down to that person whether in the majority or not..but intolerance, how do I deal with that all the time? It's become such a struggle emotionally and today I really did not need any shit. I once said to someone I had to take a break from all this and no response was to be had. I've had the same non responses since school. What's the excuse now? I'm also just tired of in particular men giving me absolute crap for my face. The constant stare between my eyes has become too intolerant and enough is enough.
I haven't stopped crying for 3 hours now. I started in public, then on the roads and now in my room. I have no where to turn to, it feels like a lot has been cut off me. People will say that is dramatic ..I suppose I can't expect you to understand if you don't go through this yourself. I know someone said they do ..the empathy I have had from them makes a difference to your humanity, knowing there is some understanding goodness, for want of a better phrase, but the pain..how do I deal with that? I have been dealing with it, I have been trying to give as good as I get, I will do that more, burying the resentment I have towards someone who makes me feel like this is worse than doing something about it..I'm not really harming anyone. And in harming myself- I do it for the sole purpose of pain.
Tomorrow will be better? A good night sleep? First of all a good night sleep is like gold dust for someone like me. It's not lack of sleep, don't make excuses, for people's shit towards me, and it's this SHIT which is causing lack of sleep. And I actually had an okay night last night and the night before, my sleep has been okay, I got 6 hours at least.
Tomorrow may be better in the sense of whom I don't run into...The youngest ones are the worst. The oldest ones, look at you and look away and then murmur something, look back but eventually they look away.
(Also how nice to for a woman to know she has no love or sex life left because she is so disgusting to people? I'm going to cover my face when I start at a club, I've found sunglasses help me a little. This is now when from my very mild acne has cleared up, I have actually no hope in hell of even surviving when it comes back).
AND WHY THE FUCK COULD I NOT HAVE BEEN BORN WITH A FACE THAT IS NOT GOING TO GET PICKED ON. I'm a good person. I just want to end my life. I thought the bullying would stop when I left school. I thought it would stop ten years later when my body is fine in the stereotypical sense. I KNOW I'm short, but there are girls shorter than my 5ft 2, fucking hell that's just less than average height,and I know people have evolved when it comes to height so that can't be it.
And I know my face is still round and not cunning and chiselled looking. I'm a woman for God sake, I don't know this preoccupation with hard, long faces. Now I wish I had one, but then it would probably be my features that are the problem. They're small..too small for my face, aren't they..and you know my colouring should be just a little less Muslim..! (sarcasm) It's the worst bullshit and the most prejudiced illogic.
Where do I turn to..it's all members of society, even my own race that have a problem. I have done nothing wrong, so why do supposedly wiser people of my race in particular men have to mock me..I can't help the way I look and I don't think I look that bad.
I can't take this anymore but somehow I need to let the pain out. Just also the blank faces, when I look at someone just because I can't always look on the ground all the time and I am going to be in the world..why WHY IS THIS HAPPENING AND HAS BEEN FOR TEN YEARS? I am not going to get empathy and I have to deal with that when someone next to me gets a smile, I get blank or the opposite to them. It's incredibly painful though. It's not starvation, though I've done that and the near collapsing felt good but reminded me that I could do it and people would say oh it's just her like they did at school, and it's not cancer but it's barely a life all this. When I try to have a life, I don't get anywhere too.
No comments:
Post a Comment