Unconditional.

I went to sleep last night tired and a little spent. Whilst it was a relief to be in bed, I remembered bad past "events" this morning. It seems that I need medication to make me tired enough to sleep after the bad thoughts and through them. It was just once that I tried to sleep without the medication for a fortnight. I am still going to try and make it tonight without the medication because I do not want to become dependant..and perhaps the provoking dreams were indicative of that or perhaps, simply put, I just needed the bathroom. It sucks so bad that I have to be dehydrated in the evenings just so that I can limit trips to the bathroom to "just" three times before sleep. And it sucks that my sleep is disturbed because of it. I got a few hours. Unless I have just taken a pill, there's no way in Hell I can sleep through the need to go to the bathroom or my whole body aches in addition to no sleep.

Perhaps it was what I wrote before I went to bed; erotica and that I had tried to release some of my own tension (not for the sake of it but my God it was tense), but whenever I do that, I have noticed that afterwards my brain seems to linger over some of the bad stuff that happened to me. And it's the stuff that makes me want to climb out of my own body. No abuse in the strict sense but my experiences with males.

One thing that I have always wanted but not necessarily seeked in the driven sense of the word, is unconditonal love. I have never got that from a man. There's always something that shouldn't be there in our friendship or relationship. And in a relationship perhaps unconditional love only exists after men become enamoured with women due to a factor be it appearance or charisma. And I have been made aware of people's issues with both of those two when it comes to myself.

I am who I am and I am willing to compromise. But I can not start being a certain way to be with a man. I won't. Perhaps it's the fact that they can't figure me out. Or they think they can and then when I don't fit something, I give the impression of being difficult towards them. Whatever the reason, I don't have a great burning need to know what my "problem" is, I already know my strengths and weaknesses and both that intertwine (word?!) but why does my brain linger on situations that have involved weakness. It's as if I want strength for myself and from a man and protection or nothing at all and my brain is playing around with that when I am half awake or just about to sleep. It makes me cry at night but I never think about this during the day apart from when I am trying to process those thoughts. And I'm certainly not crying about it now. I'm not sad about the whole thing. Or am I? And if I am, I believe something needs to be done. I've always thought I needed an intervention but perhaps I need a compromise.