Insecurity.

Someone once posted on my Kinky blog, that perhaps it's people's insecurity that is the problem and not me who is the problem. Perhaps it's both. And I didn't really believe in that because mostly I had the tall blonde things who would mock me. They're not beautiful just because they're tall and blonde but they do get an easier ride because of it. No one gets a completely easy ride and they have problems but certain things are different when you are tall and blonde. I've seen it. I'm very good at picking up on things. I keep saying that don't I..

Well, I started thinking what if this cool person is right. I mean, what if it is people's insecurity that is the problem. I noticed ever since I lose quite a bit of weight the people who still mock. Whilst I didn't expect the world to bow down to me, and especially since my face hasn't changed all that much so they wouldn't know the difference anyway as they tend to have problems with my face more so than my body. When I first lose the weight, I thought that if I had an angular face to match the body they wouldn't have a problem with me and that the problem lies in the fact my face is still round and I keep my hair short and it's black and I'm not a white person.

However, I've started to see people who are shorter than me, bigger than me and how I used to be who have the problem. In my mind I was not that big, I was a UK size 12 and that's an American size 6. I'm now a UK size 8. Men and women who have a problem. I know there's jealousy around but I always thought that was reserved for the tall blonde things. Perhaps it's not. And that's a very hard thing for me to believe in - someone being jealous of me- if you're laughing at that notion, I am too. Having been bullied for twenty years it's a very hard thing for me to take on board.

However, if this is not right and it really is the fact that it's my face that's the problem, then I'm not going to be unhappy about it. Yes I do think it's sad that such a thing should cause me so many problems, so many comments, looks, cases of ignoring, rejection in terms of clique- and I don't want to fit into a clique but no one wants to have bullshit directed at them by a clique.

Whilst I used to take on their problems with me on me, I know leave it to them. Insecurities are complicated themselves and not always easy to pick up on or analyse.

It's better to be a happy person. I have been to an extent. Inside, I'm not dead. And I can still be honest. I say to people whenever they say something to me, what's on my mind with regards to what they say. I tell them my experience and what I think. I've been doing this with relatives too and friends. But I say at the end of it all, I actually don't care anymore. In the sense I haven't become complacent but I actually like life and it would be a shame to destroy it over the world. If the majority want to think a certain way, act a certain way, then I can not be angry on myself for that anymore. I'm not tired, I'd just rather use the energy in a different way. That takes age. It's age that makes you think like this. It takes years, a decade sometimes but if you cut your life short, you will never get to experience inner peace. I have problems and some say I have issues- I say I don't, not in the way they think and I don't not like myself, I just speak as I find- but I have inner peace too. That comes from lack of insecurity.