My ideal therapy session.

I would like to go to see a therapist. I'd like to try and have someone help my mind over helping anything physical. I imagine going in wanting to say, I have this problem. Telling them what the problem is. I wasn't going to type it. I feel worthless and pained when I do. But I need to, to be honest. I would say my problem is dealing with the pain that comes with being picked on since the age of 3. How do I be happy when whenever I go outside I am met with evil looks and glances? It used to be worse but now I should consider myself lucky I only get comments and the looks. I hate getting looked straight into my eyes, when someone is walking and they look ahead and then look at me bang straight in my eyes as you would someone who did something bad, I can't tell you how that makes me feel that they have specifically done that. They have so much hate?

How nice to know that spotty, flawless, fat, thin, short hair, long, bright coat, dark, smiling, frowning, crying, content, i will always be met with that same type of look. I swear nothing is good enough to shut them up.

Not only from people my age range and from the male gender (okay i get it, i will never be attractive to you guys, I'm over it, why aren't you?) but from women my grandmother's age. I know I look okay. I check my appearance. I have flaws, spots but I dress well because I am lucky to have been given nice clothes. However, there are women dressed better than me so it can not be a jealous thing. I'm also 5ft 3 in my heels. There are women taller than me and I have short black hair not in a cutesy style that women have so I know it can't be a jealousy thing again. Or an admiration one. I have never been admired outside the net by people other than nice family women and immediate family. And of the nice family one I refer to there have only been two of those. Most have looked at me and looked at other girls ever since the age of 8 and said how pretty their hair looked. I'm not 8 anymore so I don't care about that but I'm trying to get across that I make the most of what I have and I am doing my best and not only do I get underappreciated but I get mocked. I don't want adulation or fame. I just want respect and the odd oh you look nice (those two are not tied). When someone says that I get embarassed because it's at odds with say a look I got today from this girl and her boyfriend. It's always the men who must be horrible too. How can I indulge in my sexuality if I get this treatment from them? I don't stare at them. I've stopped having crushes because I know no good can ever come of them. I do have crushes on people I admire though. It takes time for them to develop as opposed to the ones I got in my youth having to supress them so my "friends" could no longer feel the need to defend me because they felt sorry for me when someone teased me in a friendly way about one instance when I mentioned it. Oh Pallavi you will never get the man of your dreams. You better choose someone old and ..understanding.

So I'm over that. But I don't know how to be happy with the pain I get each time I am looked at.

And if I want to walk with a spring in my step because I listen to music and feel alive as opposed to the near death I feel when I see you fucking looking at me like you want to kill me, then why shouldn't I? Why is it okay for cheryl fucking cole to do what she wants but I can't? Cos YOU think she's "fit?"

Doctor, can you help me deal with the pain?

I can try. That, THAT right there would be my ideal therapy session. No compliments , no wear this to make you look pretty, just knowing someone can help me with my problem and actually fucking acknowledging it. It is possible to have money and nice things and have pain such as this. I'm not dying from cancer but the tightness in my throat even just writing this, the tears, the fear, the panic attacks I once had, the unknowing, the anger and the heartache it's going to kill me if I don't get help.