There are some days I don't know what to do with myself.

It's the horrible restless feeling mixed in with the fact I have other people in my house so I sort of have to be "around" in all senses of the word. If you don't know what I'm going through, you will think this terribly indulgent and yes it is. But at least I'm honest. In a way writing this at near 11am will help me to get up and start my day. I have no problem in getting up. Funnily enough today was the first good sleep I got and I don't feel heavy between my eyes and in my head thanks to the medication not wearing off. Note to self; I really HAVE to get to bed 1130 so I can get 8 hours or try and be in bed for 8. That medication is too strong for less than 8 hours and unless I take it, I'll be up by 3am. Then that's back to square one.

Perhaps my lie in makes me feel guilty. I don't like that other people in the house are up and off to their work whatever it might be. Part of me wants to help and the other says leave me alone. I really just need space sometimes.

I wish fresh air was the God send some people seem to think it is. I have problems I have to deal with everyday that just don't lessen and the fresh air won't help them go away. Of course it won't.

But part of me wants to get out in it so I can sleep better at night. I just need to do something with my day that involves variety, you know write, walk outside and then write, not just write, write, write. It's just not great sometimes to go outside. It's not so much other people anymore, it's my patience or lack of it. I really have to stop myself doing something or saying something really horrible or just breaking down in the middle of the town centre.

And it's also just getting ready. I mean I have stopped the need to look perfect because now I know I can't due to my skin. It's not bad but there's two things just won't budge and covering them up, they show as raised lumps. So I put less cover up on and blusher and just try and just keep that appearance..for my benefit (I want to do the best I can do everyday with what I have just so I can live with myself- do I feel the need to? No. But I WANT to).

There are people in wheelchairs outside. With walking sticks. With back problems. With leg problems. But I just don't have the will to live sometimes. I think honestly that is what it is. If someone said right now want to take this pill and go to sleep forever I would say yes. Selfishly destroying my family but at this stage, I'm a burden to myself.