Scream therapy.

I once saw this programme where this woman had to deal with her past and her present, bad things that happened to her by other people due to her appearance. How relevant that is. She said she once went to a pub and a man asked her on a date; turns out he won a bet which was to ask to date the "ugliest" woman in the room. So a group of men clearly sat around looking at women to see who was the ugliest. Men looking at women, at their so called flaws and seeing who had the most or the most obvious. Again, how relevant.

She also got badly bullied at school. AGAIN, HOW RELEVANT.

As part of her therapy- some of which if not all (they can't fit everything into one programme) we got to see- involved visiting that old school. Poor woman burst out crying.

Then and this was the most effective and stunning part- she went near a train track with her therapist. Because of the noise of trains, her therapist told her to let out a big scream. She laughed at first and then she did it. And then the scream was louder. Longer. And even louder. Even longer. She was smiling at the end. Whilst her problems won't disappear and her past won't, it clearly in that moment helped her feel better. And knowing there is such a thing you can do to release the pain must be a real help.

There was just something about this woman..whose eyes looked beaten down- again how relevant- who was letting out the loudest noise. As if she was telling the world to go fuck itself and that she was here in it like it or not.

Of course part of the programme also involved a makeover. In this case, the woman got her acne scars seen to and of course it's something she will have to keep touching up. And it took ages for the stiches to heal. And no doubt the mental scars are deeper. But seeing her with this guy whom she had no clue why he was interested in her, seeing her walk down the stairs defiantly, makeover or not I bet you it was the therapy that helped.

I've decided I am going to today sign up for this. It's worth the money. I'll do it. I so desperately need to release the pain. I even thought about cutting myself the past two years. I feel if I do it hard enough, it will hurt enough to close the pain for an hour. And I want the scars to be visible- I'll tell them, it's there because people put it there. Attention? No, just drawing attention to the fact that it's not okay, their bullshit is not okay. Like looking at them, staring at them back does NOTHING - if it worked for you you're bloody lucky but for me it just creates a hostile environment and nowadays you stare at anyone in the wrong way you could get attacked with a knife I shit you not. This has actually happened. But, of course cutting myself is no long term solution and I'm already anaemic as it is! Plus, I'd end up with some infection again no matter the sterilisation. I don't care about the physical pain.

So I'm going to invest my time and money in scream therapy and I'm going to post each session on here. It's a sacrifice to be joining a group or even meeting with a personal therapist and it will be painful but I need to go through that pain to get my pain out. It may not even work but at least I will get some good tips along the way.

I once had a friend at school and I remember we were 7 or 8 at the time. She was being bullied by some people; she stole something and the snitches that they were were like Miss, she did it, SHE did it. I also joined in. This is the first time in my life I have ever done anything so vicious. I did it because I for once was listened to. And because she once snitched on me -it was a part revenge but mostly well Im not your friend anyway factor. This was the last time I did something like this.

There was this bitch called Karen at school when I was 12..a different school..and she used to say stuff like oh you look thinner in casual clothes and not school uniform, you know one of those interfering busy bodies..well I did a speech one at the height of being bullied when I was 14 and I looked every weasly bully in the eye. I got an A for my speech because the teacher said he'd never heard the room so quiet. Before that, they were making fun of me and making toilet flushing sounds and animal sounds. Afterwards, that bitch Karen says to someone else..not me of course she smiled at me..that I was a hypocrite, I bully people too. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I laughed at myself and everything and I never once bullied someone. Me and my friend laughed at little quirks people had but we NEVER bullied and they knew that! They heard us! And bullied- if thats bullying then I want to know what I was put through. Did I ever call out names and comment and make the class laugh, did I ever constantly jabber on about someones appearance, did I ever make animal noises at someone, did I ever make razor jokes???? Not the fucking once. Everyone knew I was being bullied but no one did a thing. Only after this girl said to me thank you! I was being bullied because my nose, I said honey I get bullied because of every thing I have and haven't got! But you are welcome!

What hurt the most is my close friend said to me afterwards, they bullied you because of your appearance.

I wasn't the biggest girl at school, I wasn't the most sensitive, I was by far not the spottiest, and I didn't have a larger nose or lips and I didn't have the darkest skin by far..all the things bullies target but clearly I was thought the ugliest just like what those men thought of that lady in that pub. And I looked at my school photograph and I saw that I stood out. I didn't see that before. It was like Adam and Eve before that apple. I remembered comments like you're hair is almost as blue as your blazer- jet black hair can look bluey sometimes and those fuckers didnt notice that mine can always look brown and auburn in the sun- my mum told me once how beautiful my hair was- but they of course didnt see THAT. Just like nobody saw how that poor woman I was talking about before had the most beautiful ballerina body but at the same time with butt and boobs- they just focused on her face. And I remember this girl saying to me are you shrinking just because I reached my height by the time I was 12 and developed very early on- she didn't say that you have great boobs or a nice shaped arse which I always had no matter what weight, the small of my back is very pronounced so I look shapely- but it took me to see that in the mirror, no one ever complimented me on that even though they sure looked hard enough to make fun of my bottom.

I guess you could say then their comments shouldn't mean shit but the embarasment in front of my friends and people around me..people I was still building relationships with.. no one wanted to sit with me thanks the bullies.

It's all so unfair and that's why I want to scream. Because I can only talk about it, be honest, be into the things I am into sexually but make it clear I'm as human and non sex kittenish as they come. And knowing I can at least type it when I can't talk it because no one wants to listen or they don't believe you, is something to me. In fact it means a lot.

I'm also thinking that once I have enough money to get a house, I want to adopt a baby. Because whilst I have sexual needs I also need to be with someone who is my dream man. So I can't wait in case I get him and then have kids. I want a baby anyway. Then, love comes later. If it comes and if it doesn't, I will still go about exploring my sexuality. Hey, maybe the next step could be joining a bondage club. Hardly a push for me. But it will be a push past my shyness to join. Inside I'm different to how I am outside. I have all this stuff inside of me that I need to let out. Of course I'm shy, when I've only had shit from people who don't know me. And sometimes from those who do.