There's many things I want to write about. I just read Girl, Interrupted. I was going to talk about this and boy do I have opinions about Susanna and an incident that occured which funnily enough really affected me in particular at that time. (If a certain friend is reading this it's that willy whimsy and catherine debacle..and I'm not afraid to use their names and call them a bitch and bastard. I still feel that strongly about them).
BUT I'm going to put some space between myself and the book and that incident and the book and my life and Susanna and me.
I'll talk about it tomorrow or maybe day after depending on my time and energy.
Now, I have this brooch. And I mostly on these blogs talk about any old shit but I don't think I've ever talked about a piece of jewellry (that's not intended for kinky purposes anyway). It's a really shiny, expensive looking brooch. Turns out my mum bought two so it can't have been that expensive but it looks expensive and it's kind of big not flower power big but older women who see it is like ohhhh that's a lovely looking brooch. My sister who's admired by people under 40 and over really likes it. She likes a lot of stuff on me that I would never wear- part because I don't like it and part because of what I'll type now.
I don't like to wear stuff that makes me look posh. I look posh anyway. I have one of those faces that's round but I think my small features give me a haughty look. It's honestly not just me. Though I tend to purse my lips because I'm nervous all the time. I also wear jewellry, earrings, necklace, bracelets, watches, I love to play around with that stuff. So I don't want to wear this brooch. I'll never look cool but I don't want to look 50. And maybe my short hair and so called refined features give me that look. I can look mumsy. So looking too posh and old when I feel about 15, swear to God I feel 15 and 75 all the time both at the same time, is not where I want to go wardrobe wise. But MY GOD it's just a brooch in theory! I pin it on my coat, looks sparkly, makes my black but nice coat and grey but nice clothes - well it gives them that spark.
I go through this everyday; I come back thinking okay no matter what I do I will always be mocked but that brooch is so niiice it makes me look sparkly when I feel that way inside even if I get bullied outside. So when I come back I put the brooch on my coat. Then I wear the coat. I look in the mirror. I look the way I don't feel. I take the coat off. I change the position of the brooch. I hold the coat up to me. I take the brooch off. I put a smaller quite frankly dead looking one back on and then I just take it off. I put the coat on my bed and have a scarf for tomorrow on it. I listen to music and then seem to hate brooches more.
And I know you're thinking woah..neurotic. I once broke up with someone because of this..fact is I'm just honest and every single person I have met is neurotic if you think about it, just in different ways or they're closet neurotics and don't have the balls to say what they actually think because the times they do they save it for insults. (Which would neatly bring me on to that bitch and bastard in that dumb "Incident" but no, I'll talk about that later).
I'm not interested in justifying myself to you and saying I'm sorry ..I'm not sorry..but I've had to deal with unwanted attention which if you read my other posts you'll know especially the one before this. And so I don't want the whole snooty cow and snob comments. Just because of that damned brooch.
But why shouldn't I wear it? For peace of mind? What about fun? If it wasn't for others, I'd like it. Even if it reflects wickedly off shop windows and I look heaven forbid rich.
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