Today.

My life growing up was quite different to how it is now. For better? For worse? I don't believe in any of that but I know it is worse. You know why that is. How can it be easy for me when I have to deal with that? Never the less I'm not an unhappy person. I'm honest about feelings I have and I talk about them but I don't reckon I have more ill will or bad feelings or issues than the general population out there. I have proof for that.

My dreams however are always traumatic. Small traumas. Nothing big. But at the moment I don't have a word more understated that traumatic. Say I have acne on my face or spots, I have a dream where I get a massive lump and when I get lumps, boy do I get lumps. In dreams and reality. They stick out badly even in ..optimistic.. mirrors and are painful and take two months to reduce. No joke. Then I had a situation where it was possible we had to uproot for a few days, move to another place just for a few days and that was this morning but i dreamt we were moving last night and in my dream the house we are prior to moving is in a state of chaos and breakage and leakage.

I'm not a hypochondriac..I don't think..but my dreams are an exgageration of what's happening or has happened in my life. And some involve bullying. And sometimes by someone whom I thought I could trust or someone I admire-d. I'm not sure if I fully trust someone to the extent of naiveity. I can believe they can do anything at any point because you can not control people or have expectations of them. I don't and I'm not let down. Not to say I am afraid of getting into friendships or relationships and whilst I have the habit of spilling my guts out to any ear willing or not, I talk to them as I would if I was naive and did have complete faith in humans. I have faith in them but humanity is so flawed.And that's always in my mind. Not that it affects my communication with them. I'm flawed, maybe I may backstab someone, I don't but I could. They could too; that's never been a thing for me to accept and in my adult years it's not a shock.

I also would like to just say that if there any posers out there reading this, please fuck right off. Yes I'm talking to you like that. Today I bought something of a complete poser more worried about their side part and cool than saying thanks or being polite. It was the very bare putting up with someone shit I have become used to from in particular young people. This one was a boy so I don't know if they had a problem with the fact I wasn't the prerequisite hottie in the music and dvd store..that they do not own, by the way..but I really don't care. I am always polite because when I go outside I have no ego. I have one onscreen but not outside. I don't have attitude. I don't want it because actually it doesn't tell people where to get off or go..it just makes things worse. Unless you're in a movie or you come near people's high standards of other people. I have often got asked from across the mall if I want to buy something and if I say no thanks, it's like I have offended them. Why can't they come closer to ask me? And why shout like that? Why also shout at me like that? I'm not a pushover and I don't look as aggresive as some women and I think I actually look okay and pretty normal. However, what's the deal with moving away from me when you are talking with me; if I can stand YOUR spots and trust me EVERYONE no matter how porcelain has them, why can't you stand mine? I just can not believe the intolerance you posers have. You're phonies. Fakes. Maybe you're higher up on the social status or order than me but you'll never allow anyone to be happy unless you are and you'll get your happiness from petty things. Funny, but you people tend to fail ultimately from what I've seen. Your time is now but my time is here and it can get a lot better for me. Worse but also a lot better and that's thing- I am open to that. You are not. Cos you don't acutally even know who you are.

I hope I get chance to say this to you face to face where you'll laugh but ultimately choke on your own blood afterwards rather than saying this onscreen and being all passive aggressive about it. Cos that's not my style. I know it's the style of you big, angry bullies though.

I can be passionate. You can only be aggresive.

Which brings me on to the way certain women talk about other women in terms of size. I don't believe that "thin" people can make fun of "fat" people because "fat" people make fun of "thin" people but why do "fat" women talk about "thin" women they do not know in such a horrible unsisterly way?? And why do they get their men in on it as well? I have never known men's bitchiness to come out in quite such a way as it does when in the company of women.