Angst.

There's no way I'm going to dress things up with metaphors. Whilst I believe in putting yourself into your art, be it drawing, writing, any communication, I feel that I need to be straight up too.

That's why I started this blog.

So I really thought others have insecurities. And I thought I can try looking at things from that perspective or not even look at things. Since adopting this little philosophy a few days ago, it's got to the stage where I can't even look at people. I'm afraid to do so. This is social phobia. Agorophobia? I don't think so. My social phobia is I think just that. Whereas I once had sweat attacks in public, I know go so cold. I have had people stare at me openly when having these attacks. It reminded me of when I was in small school, only 6 at the time, a plump girl but hardly obese and listening to comments like "she couldn't fit into the car" by rude boys. They could be so callous with me but not with others, their caring side in full view with others. And I've had this treatment from women no matter what age.

And going back to that,there begun my happy relationship with men. My whole life, they gave me nothing. I know some have been attracted to me but it was too little too late. They have been snobbish. Those who see my photos, are not but photos my dears only convey so much...since reaction outside cyberspace world differs quite substantially to that on the internet.

What can I say? That I'm not allowed to look at anyone..as a person, male or female..that when I do I'm reminded why and that I shouldn't? That I have to explain myself? You either know what I'm going through or don't. You either get me or don't.

People are so lucky. They get things. I don't have anything. I mean material stuff I have but it's so unfair what I have to go through and how little if nothing I get.

People will say you're mad and that you're making this up or exagerating. To those who have seen me in the real light of day and still don't get it, you haven't been bullied ..really bullied like unbelievable without reason or logic bullied..so you don't know. Carrie White had fucking nothing on me.

Maybe I resemble something really bad..I just don't know what the problem is. I'm a loser, so that's what this is to people. You leave others alone, why not me? Fat, thin, tall, short you ALL have a problem with me. Unless you get to know me of course. Why..why the condition? Why can't I have unconditional like? I don't want your love, I just want to be left the fuck alone or at least treated like a human. You're capable of treating the people you term obese like humans on your good days, why not me?

I'm also just sick of being nothing. I have tried. To be outgoing, to smile, it's against my polite nature not to and I don't like confrontation and rudeness so I don't buy this -your personality will shine through -bullshit.

Seriously am I cursed; what the fuck is going on?

I can try to process the pain by writing fiction..I believe that's what it does..but I just don't see why I have to experience this pain. I was alright to start with. I didn't need this to appreciate things. In fact it's made me resentful. I don't think I can ever have a relationship with anyone other than a a friend. And if we were to meet often, I think I may fucked that up because I have so much bad feeling inside. Naturally, I need a release. I told you about scream therapy..well I haven't even bothered looking that up. I know that the therapist would see right through me and give up on me. People do that. My driving teacher did that, my tutor did that. What about my good stuff?..Which they pointed out. But oh no.

I know there is something wrong.

I don't know other people's problems to the full extent but I know that they feel emabarassed and sad and angry over things I have had to pass off as mere. Like I've had to dehumanise myself in a way..not knowingly or willingly..due to not being treated as human.

I see the difference between those who have been beaten down and those who haven't. The clue is in the way they hold their head.

So how do I end this? That today I wanted to take a sharp pair of scissors and cut a big slice off my wrist. What stopped me was the fact I did something similar ..though with differnt motive to my face..THAT is what stopped me.

And what do I do tomorrow? Go ahead with my day and come back and write?

Sure that's what I should do.

And that I should be okay with the fact people want to get as far away from me as possible?

And that I should put up with the stuff I've talked about..or say something or do something and have NOTHING happen? I mean I would just cry if I said something and that only makes people go okay woah freak even more. I know I am one, I okay with that. Or I'm not I'm just very human and that in a world valueing perfection scares people. I'm not bothered about terms, labels, don't you see that that's not what the real problem is.

But what is that gets me? The fact I can't have what anyone has..you know what I mean. Don't patronise me , don't wishful think. And I don't want things just for the sake of them, I too want the best. Except my definition of quality varies to other peoples. And that I want everything, attraction, sex, abandonment that's it..abandonment to be free and not trapped.

At this stage I should be just surviving and be content with that. What a fucking piece of shit this is. When people fight, they have a reason, as muddled as it may be, as complex as it may be but I just have me.

And this is happy 1st February. I sure can't wait for my birthday. If it's anything like last year, I'll be having the best day of my life. But then if it wasn't for the bullshit I would not have written Those Two.