Obsession.

The sexiest obsession to talk about and to write about is sex. Boys, love, crushes, lust, anything like that. But I’m not talking about that.

I have strange feelings about my diet nowadays. I’m no longer strict with myself. I’m not putting on any weight but I don’t have the almost feel good factor I got from quite frankly starving myself in the evenings. I used to go to bed starving. I worked out 2 hours everyday and had a weight watchers breakfast and lunch. I went to bed and woke up, stomach flat. I think looking back perhaps there was an obsession with being thin. Slim. It was a new world to me. It was exciting too. Not because of how I looked, seriously my face is kinda always the same but having those toned arms, flat stomach and seeing myself- my body. I liked seeing my body, what it could be.

I also got a kick out of starving myself in the evenings. Oh look how strong I am, that kind of thing. Weirdly enough I slept beautifully in those days. Now I have to make sure I don’t have an empty stomach before I begin on torturous journey to attempt sleep. I also noticed how I would randomly slip my hands under my nightsuit and check my bones whilst I was sleeping, I would catch myself doing that. I didn't move my hands away or stop myself. Like the bones were sticking out; good. I know this is “not right.” And I watched movies about anorexia. I sure as hell did not look anorexic, I mean I’ve always had prominent collar bones and back ones, my body is a contrast to my face, it’s a little angular but round as well. I felt sexy because I was pushing myself. Why..why was I pushing myself? I still don’t know to this day. I can get close..all that I’ve talked about but what really was my motive? I wasn’t going out., I wasn’t showing my body off. Do I like suffering or discipline?

It was also a good time for me sexually. I started my Kinky blog and would write one story that I just fell in love with the hero, in lust with the sex and in love with him and I had two pretty sexy crushes. I mean the weather was hot, sun came in, the windows were open, I heard the noises from outside, water, I could hear water running, it was just beautiful. I was inside the house a lot, my own little world. No responsibilities, no hurt.

I miss that. And in missing that I also miss my strict diet and exercise. I’d like to have some of that back but today after work, I indulged myself. And at the time it was like I love the taste. It’s not about filling myself up, that’s not why I was a bigger girl before but it was about enjoying the taste of food. When I had the strictness going on, I didn’t need to have that enjoyment, I did at first but then I didn't miss it, I guess it passed onto sex..not that I enjoy sex less now since I’m enjoying food more. Oh gosh, it just comes down to not having the resistance to sit and not nibble on food. Oreos and wotsits are the worst.

I didn’t have anything apart from salad and weight watchers stuff at that strict time but now it’s temptation galore. And I was living on my own at that time, now I’m not. There's always food in the house that I don't buy. I even had to give a pack of Oreos to someone and say don't give it to me until Monday now. Had I been on my own? I would have thrown that pack out. And the wotsits. I would have left myself with nothing but strict food. It's what I actually did at the time. When the other person moved out, I threw the food away.

I do walk a lot now and part of is to compensate for not working out and for eating more. I haven't put on weight. It's still at a steady since August, 55 kilograms. Do I wish it was less? I'd be lying if I said no.

I am obsessed. I think I'm obsessed not just with weight but with suffering OR discipline. Or both.

I sound like a nightmare to live with. Funnily enough I'm very easy going. I guess I can just be very honest here and not show my true colours with the people around me. I don't give myself away easily there but here, I give everything. Dear Diary, it's like you're not my friend but a reflection, my mirror image.