It seems like this week is some kind of relevation week

I die a little death due to shock each time someone is actually okay with me. And polite- that'd be enough to kill me. To anyone reading this who loves to pick on people, then you want them out of this world? Kill them with politeness..they'll die from the fact it's coming from you.

Tomorrow I'm going to buy something that enables me to record people as I walk. I had this idea since Septmember last year because no one believed me. I've started thinking strategically and logically..as in what can I do about this? This at least will be proof. Then I can put this up on youtube and my local town centre- somehow. The money will be worth it. It won't be easy for me to watch but I have to do it.

I'd rather know than be delusional.

And now I do but I need to do something about it. Perhaps this will help stop it..not without a mini war of course.

I should always record instances..even just on a notebook and keep my eyes open and head held high. Today I got a woman very very obviously staring at me right between the eyes. You do that to someone you want to intimidate or someone you hate. I feel like I am sexless because I get a worse reaction from men. Especially Indian ones. They're more superficial and when they see an Indian woman not wearing bright clothes or having long hair or exgerating her feminity (it's kind of obvious and I wonder if that's due to skin colour issues?), it seems to really get to them or amuse them.

Another instance; I got someone doing or looking or saying God knows what to prompt this girl behind me to say, give it up. She kept repeating that to her boyfriend/ boy friend. If I turned around and asked and or said something, I would have got two responses from the previous times I have done this; intimidating stare and being called a "wanker"..actually slang for a offensive/offending male in England but hey I'm not a woman, am I.

Somehow I have to live in this world. And so I need to do something instead of letting it get to me. It's horrible to know there is this much hatred for you. I see my expression always in the mirrors to see if it's that causing the offensive. And it's fine.

Fat, thin, longer hair, shorter hair, spots, no spots, never mind doing anything right, always seem to do something wrong. But it's not me, it's them. (Bare with me on this shocking relevation).

I also am surprised at how subtle ..!..the glares are. I was once walking and it was so in your face I had to look at him, and he looked away. And I frequently get analysing ones at my imperfections on my face. Funny, people get told they look like someone who's famous despite not really looking anything like them especially by males but I get told I look like I think it was this hobbit type creature. Yeah I'm laughing myself.

I think narrowminded people have eyes that only see what they want to see. I just didn't realise how many narrowminded people there are and too often I have thought that the majority is right and I am wrong. Well, I'd like to know how I'm wrong. Sure I have imperfections, I'm not a model and never acted or said I was but I don't act like some wannabe or copy off television, I act like I'm human, your average girl living in this world, cos that's what I am. And it's been made very clear that average is a high statement for me. Heaven forbid I should even look at someone, whomever that person is. Harsh it sounds, I should just cut off my vagina and brain really, anything that makes me female and human.

Hey, whatever. It's no skin off my nose. I can see myself in 20, 50 years time making it through Hell on earth and living well and good to tell the tale. I'm a survivor and I can't be someone who ignores anymore, I'm just going to do something different with what I am given daily.

And dreams and wishes, I'm still going to have them. I don't hang onto them but I'd be destroying myself if I didn't have them and that would be giving people the satisfaction. *shakes finger* NO.