Girl, Interrupted.

I saw this movie last week. The first time I saw it was summer. I liked it then because it's a bunch of girls in one building and they're not perfect and there's highs and lows. I like it now because of Downtown and for the same reasons I liked it before. And Winona Ryder. I get incredibly annoyed when people compare Keira Knightley to her. I like Keira Knightley but must have this comparison? Winona had a warmth to her that I don't see in Keira and I wonder if any british movie star has that warmth. I like Kristen Stewart, yes I know she's American but although her voice sounds a bit like Scarlet Johansson's a movie star I can not stand (cold, aloof, too polished), she has that extra edge. But I won't compare her to Ryder. She was the 90s girl; Heathers, Mermaids, Reality Bites, Girl Interrupted. How cool was she. I'm excited she's making a comeback.

Anyway, another reason I watch Girl Interrupted is I wonder about girls like me. I compare myself to Reena Virk a little. She was a girl murdered by the girls and boys who bullied her. Not "teased." Bullied. She wanted to fit in. I don't want to fit in but I do want to be left alone. I know I won't because I stand out in a bad way. Like Reena. I don't want to have to go to a bookstore and be stared at by males my age or be in a tram and have a male stare at me whilst his girlfriend looks at me occasionally and looks away (women have more empathy I find, probably because any flaws I have they have had or have too). I don't want to feel afraid. I don't want to be walking in the sun and have my bliss interrupted by again a strange man who just can not stop looking into my eyes. Not in that way. I don't know why I am so repulsive to men since I am ordinary looking. I have flaws and I have nice features but I have been told and been made aware of the flaws by them since I started to be around them at school. Of course these are men who are just boys. However, whilst I am not maternal or broody I do think I am forced to live a life on the outside. I was told once I couldnt be friends with a girl who was around 15 years old because she didnt like the way I looked. I never dressed cool enough and my face is more old fashioned. I am not sexy. A woman who's popular with men. I am more "popular" with women. Any pimple is stared at and commented on. Mostly by men. Some have even referred to me as "that" to their girlfriends or other women and men they want something from. My hair no matter what is not trendy I know that. That in itself doesn't bother me. It's okay and it's healthy and nice. And I look after myself, outside and inside as best I can.


I am a girl, interrupted in the sense I wonder what would have happened had the bullying not got worse? I never got horrible looks from random strangers before. I wonder if it's sometimes 9/11 and that my skin is pale therefore I resemble someone from a Muslim culture. (I'm Indian).

Reena was a girl interrupted too. She wanted to fit in. She wanted to shine. She had goals dubious though they were. But she had them. She had some fight and some strength in her. SOme anger. But she was murdered.

Is it easier to carry on like a loser or pretend that you have depression? I don't deny a part of me may be depressed but I find it easier to show myself as crazy on the inside, maybe shock my mother a little and though I havent told her this; want to go to an instituition so I don't have to face the real world that has made me hate it by putting out hatred towards me. (you think I'm exagerating, stop reading now. I have no patience for you).

I am honest. I have always been honest and I don't exagerate ( I could never spell that word) but it's like having a cold and making it worse..mind over body that kind of thing..in a way you can do it. My mind has always been incredibly strong. So is it easier to pretend I am Winona Ryder in the glamorous Girl Interrupted, it was you know, have a problem with the world (and I do have issues with the world but do I have a problem? Other than my appearance which is more other people's problem) than be Reena Virk who actually the world had a problem with (again her appearance was other people's problem. And that's scary. If she ever lived she could well be going into therapy and having to cope with her sadness over other people's problem with her)? Either way they were both girls, interrupted and so am I.

By the way, I think about one day in the summer when I told my mum about people having a problem with me. It wasn't a productive conversation but it made me wishfully think what she said was right; it's all in my head and people don't really hate me, they're just curious. Did she see those people laughing at me? Or does she chose to think wishfully too? I did for a few moments and it felt good.