19th Dec

This time last Saturday I was getting to terms with having a life of sleepless nights. Day before yesterday however I managed to get 6 hours sleep. That's a great relief to me and I felt an improvement in myself today. Yesterday I'm not entirely sure how many hours I got but I got something which was enough to make me function for the day.

I'm not sure how this happened. I am on medication but I wonder if it's that or just being physically more tired. Anyhow, I now have the faith in sleeping. It was getting to the stage where I was afraid of it and sleep was becoming this big deal and something I just couldn't "do."

Not any more. So we'll see what happens regarding this. Had an alright weekend, good in fact and now have two days to myself. Next week is Christmas week. It's cool, once I would have thought it a deal, all those crowds, rush, noise and shopping (oh yeah; Boxing day remember?) but now I feel like an adult. A woman who can rise above the panic. That's not to say I won't have social anxiety and problems but I do feel like I can rise above them ..but I don't want complacency and becoming used to problems be the reason they won't get to me, rather I know I'm better than them and that

Something that I felt have matured in is learning to embrace myself. For example, I have pale skin and it can look quite pale in the shop lights. It could even make someone gasp; you know that sounds stupid but I don't have light hair, I have black and I don't have any milkiness to my skin since I was born in India and so my pale skin is different to the pale skin people are used to. But before I used to put on this tinted moisturiser which would make me more brown but now I don't care if I look "yellow." It's just who I am, this is me. Whereas before I was like oh I have to conceal this and that. Now, I know that I have a good body, it's strong, fit, I have good legs, I can walk, run, fast and I've been told I have a tiny waist (tiny is an exageration, it's more small)..so I'm healthy and today I felt good regardless of the horrible looks I got from the odd male or two. It's not like I want to impress them anyway, I just wish they'd leave me alone. I only have eyes and ears for people who deserve my attention.

And I know tonight I may start to think about something else that I had abandoned but neverthless I'll probably go back to it, I find a comfort in it but I also find something else that I've always wanted. It remains private but one person may know what it is.

See ya for now.

"Hey girl, take yourself you belong to me"