December 21st.

I have to thank my lucky stars I met such a great friend. You know what I want? I don't care about money. I actually don't. (but then I've always had it). I don't care about careers. I have never been ambitious in that sense. I don't care about my health problems or any other crappy little problem or not so crappy not so little problem. I want and I care about visiting and talking and one day getting to be with the people I really, really like.

I never thought I would call myself lonely but I am. I don't have to be with someone but I think I do need company. I may not think I do but I do. Because I need that stimuation, to feel alive, to be interfered with, to have someone annoy me even, I need it to feel human. But that's not why I talk with people. I like talking. I talk and I talk and I talk and I talk..but there are people you talk with who actually change your life; you realise what you want your life to be about.

I want to see those people now.

What I envy is people in a community. I mean I'll even say I miss school. Yes that horrid place. Those people I mostly disliked but I miss that interaction. I miss that fear.

God help me.

I thought talking doesn't help. Help what? The problem? You think problems go away just like that? It helps me as a human being. I need it. I think perhaps this is why I have the blog. Just to have an interaction be it with space.

I also have to say one thing..I am still a DPS'er. Okay I need to get over my problems and not have them become prejudices. So what? A bunch of boys..so they might be okay. And I was lying when I said Neil was a control freak or Todd passive aggressive. Actually none are either..when you really think about it or maybe they could have those qualities..but either way I love them. I could list the reasons right now, I'd have no trouble.

Oh I'm totally unhealthy I know this.

Hey at least I'm honest.

Here's to honesty and freedom to one day meet my friends!! In fact I'm even thinking early next year..yes really. Goddamit I want to throw caution to the wind and JUST DO IT. Nothing will change in the sense I'll still be faced with the same problems but these people matter more.

Smile, Pallavi, Smile. You have a lot to smile for.