December 8th 2009.

Its near 1am. I'm not going out tomorrow. I went out today and then I'll go day after or the day after that..when i have to basically. I'm not agoraphobic so much anymore but I do have social awkwardness (to sound technical/clinical/whatever) and that's caused by mean looks and shit given to me about my appearance. Ever since I was 3 this has been an issue. At 14, i got told it was to my face. Beforehand, i knew of it but from 14, the line"they're making fun of your appearance" would be my so far life's play. Oh and before you say I've done the makeover, become skinny thing, didn't help not that I'm going the opposite but due to lack of sleep my face isn't exactly optimum colour if you know what I type.

ANYWAY I need to document my thoughts. And I do this best via keyboard and a space. I love this format.

My thoughts before I sleep

Must perfect how to apply blusher as don't want round face despite weight loss to look rounder.

I'm okay with knowing truths.

I wish people in general would stop picking on me but if they do then it's my reality now..no point in hoping for change. This is it for me.

Will do excersises morning as opposed to afternoon.

I'm okay with dying any day now. Have lost the ability to care about myself and now other people to..to an extent. Part of me is still very much alive but can' t be bothered with being the person to come forward in some people's cases.

Laters.

p.s. I think mad equals too perceptive.

am a little bummed to not see Michael Stevens (fictional) on my blogger again. But hey ho.