Dec 15th

Perhaps my insomnia will get better. If that doesn't I don't know what will happen. As things around me are determined to not change. "Be the change you want to be." Are you kidding? No one gives you respect back when you give it. Not to me anyway. There IS something wrong with my appearance that causes men to glare at me, women to look me in the eye and some laughs. So I'm not going to go with the "they're jealous" argument or anything to make me feel better. Honesty is best. The real thing that would make me feel better is being able to do something about it. Well at the moment am at my wits end and have given up. Not that I tried majorly hard before; didnt get a pointy chin or dye my hair afterall. You think that's superficial? Of course it is but it helps. I know. Oh yeah the things I lack are made obvious to me every single day. Even after losing the weight, I still get people making noises as they try to get past me when there's hardly any of me to get past at nearing 50 kg atm.

I can't ignore this behaviour which is bullying and beyond rudeness. I'm clearly worse than nothing to look at. Forget what's inside, I can be happy, smile, make jokes, one kind person will laugh the others go "ugh."

You better not think this is an exageration because I've heard that one before. And like I say I'll prove it one day. Though what good it will do I don't know.

Anyway I have something for my insomnia..legal, legit..all that and it's the proper way to go. None of this herbal remedy crap. Yes in my experience..twice..two different remedies..it has been non effective. I'd tread with optimism as far as these herbs are concerned.

I don't know about Christmas. Or the New Year. Or the future. If someone was to let me see this when I was young I would have quite frankly killed myself. As it is my spirit gets killed every single fucking day and were it not for fresh air I'd stay in the house all the time; at least I'd keep some sanity.

I see no hope. I only see ways in which I can get moments of pleasure or make others happy and not myself and give them a lifetime of pleasure and myself not a single bit.

At least I have those moments.

& like I say we'll see.

Perhaps at least I'll get to feel a little drowsy or hazy "watching Deal or No Deal" or Ordinary People.