There is so much I can relate to just watching ten minutes of her being interviewed by that goon Morgan (goon? I have my reasons). I'm not a fan of hers but she reminds me a little of myself in this interview. No one else will see it but I mean things like the way she speaks, it's how I think of myself in my head.
Initially the topic is of course weight. Weight. Weight. Weight. Weight. Weight. As we all know it's much more important a topic than world hunger. She's lost weight yes. She lost weight by going on a show dancing. I'm not overweight now but I used to be. At my heaviest I was ten kg more than I am now and I used to get tut tuts from my Doctor, understandably, and I'm also 5ft 2 like Kelly, short and more soft than lithe and leggy so the weight made me look heavy. I did look heavy in photos. Fat. Plump. I got bullied very badly for it. I have a round face with cheeks that won't go away and a round jaw line and only when I lost the ten kilograms through "dancing" myself, I lost some chub from my face. I used to get comments like it only makes her eyes look even smaller, as I'm Indian I'm supposed to have these big Indian eyes but I don't even now as I have my dad's eyes exactly. And "when are you ever going to look like a woman?" That kind of stuff coming from women. Men only used to ignore or make rude noises when they weren't perving over my breasts and arse.
Like Kelly, I used to live in my own little world when it came to weight. I saw all the young models and celebrities, I used to think they were them and I was me, I am beautiful and so are they, but they're thin and I'm only a bit bigger than them. I never even used to think I was that big. I once said to a shop assistant oh I'm only two sizes bigger than my sister to which she looked me up and down. But I never belived anything different. For some reason I was disillusioned. Maybe that came from being me, a little in a dream world, immature and proud like my dad. That gets confused with egotistical ESPECIALLY on a woman! In fact it's not, they're different issues.
I hated myself like her because of being bullied.
Kelly also touches upon not looking at herself in the mirror. I used to look at my face, I liked it and my hair which has always been very black and thick and complimented my complexion. And when I looked at my body I looked at either by looking at my breasts and arse in the mirror that made my body look in my opinion alright and my legs have always been short and toned. I thought my arms are just big and shoulders are wide, like my dad and my stomach has always been soft anyway. I had a small waist back then but of course it was difficult to have my mum buy me something that tapered in and then had to go over my big breasts and arms at the same time. Occasionally we had a tough time shopping for me and I was never interested in fashion. I'm still living in my own dream world when it comes to that, i.e. no interest in looking like a celebrity whatsoever unlike other people my age.
Kelly said that she never wanted to be like the other girls despite hating herself. Absolutely the same for me. Yet if she or I said anything about another girl, it would be called jealousy. No one understood where I was coming from, and I wasn't that vocal in my opinions only on occasion where I mostly tend to give an honest answer.
When I lost weight, I could see that I lost weight. I noticed it in my arms. And I was proud. I think I got some esteem through achievement. I think this is how it worked for Kelly. You see your body in a new way and you really see your body. You're not going, okay I'm covering up now. I looked at it and thought okay improvement here and here.
It took me two months to lose weight by belly dancing in a very short space in my apartment and doing some mini stepping which never helped me lose weight before. When I started, I just wanted something to do and for me it was to get some excersise pure and simple without having to just walk outside for two hours.
I like the taste of food but I managed to condition myself to think of it as just food. Nothing more. But food is something that I can't understand still. Like Kelly said, just never equated it with losing weight at all. And I kind of believe in that still. Back then, sometimes when I came back from a long walk I would have just a sandwich and some salad for the rest of the day, for months. And months later, sometimes I would have chips and pizza for one meal about twice a week. I ate when I felt hungry and when I was overweight I went to bed hungry. I know that my metabolism has improved but I wonder to what extent, is it that that is keeping my weight the same like it was the same in the past except my weight is smaller now as opposed to bigger in the past or is it that for me at this weight it's harder to put on weight?
So eat more than you burn? No, for me it's more complicated.
Kelly's appearance is still mocked and also it's airkissed so much. Oh DAHLING you look FABULOUS. Some people when they see me compliment me like I've achieved a cure for cancer, I just yeah thanks it just happened like Kelly said. Inside, I think I did this for me. I did this for my heart. I did this for my fitness. I did this also a little for my sexuality to see myself in my best light. And part of me thinks when someone says she (as in me) looks beautiful now, fuck you world. Like Kelly.
I used to be a big girl and now I'm a small one. When I was 8 they used to say I'd be big and tall but now I'm short and petite. With Kelly, they say she's going to go back to being fat again. Because it's just the way she is supposed to be and I FUCKING HATE THAT. I hate that people can be so judgemental. If she is or isn't, how do YOU know?! And then there's the fact she's "exactly like her mum." Yeah I was exactly like my mum or exactly like my dad when it suited certain people.
Then there's her tattoos. "Oh get rid!" I believe her when she says she wants to get rid of some of them or most, can't recall, but it's amazing how they are referred to as "blemishes" by people. We must all look a certain way especially us women! *SALUTE!*
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