One week is the longest I've gone without writing. It didn't even flow as well when I sat down to do it yesterday. Sometimes, it just doesn't work. That's okay and I know also there's a chance I won't be a writer forever or this is a temporary thing. I hate labels anyway.
A while ago I had a lot of fun writing fiction around the movie Dead Poets Society. So I wanted to re post it from an old account. I'm bored and I just wanted it out there.
What do you think of my new layout? You should see the Kinky one. Yay!
"If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended"
"Neil"
"That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme"
"Neil"
"No more yielding but a dream"
*Pause*
"Neil"
Oh..
"Neil, I.. well, Hello"
A girl. Dressed in white. Pure white. I don't look any lower than a freckle on her forehead. I daren't.
I thinks she laughs at me, quietly. I look at her again and accidentally my eyes reach hers. They go round. Do lips blush? Hers do.
"Neil?"
"Well I just wanted to say good luck"
My hands feel cold again. She is gone.
Gentles, do not reprehend:
If you pardon, we will mend.
"Whats wrong with you Neil?"
"Cameron, leave it out"
"What.."
"Jeez Cameron,, you two ..I don't know whats wrong. Charlie, I cant even think"
But I can. In fact my mind is in overdrive. The boys are looking up at me expectantly. I can practically hear Todd's lips coming together to form a question..
Leaning back in my chair , I blot out the world around me. Who was she? Why did she come to me? I was in the middle of rehearsing. She could hear me speak. Why did she disturb me? She was beautiful. I cant remember anything else than her lips and her freckle.
I wish I had taken a look at her as it will be the last time I see her, I know it.
No No. No. It wont. It wont be the last time I see her. "Seize the day" Carpe Diem.
Carpe Diem!
"Have fun. Fellas, save Puck some dinner!"
"Cameron would you close your mouth, God.."
"He just went off. Just like that. The chair..floor"
"Shut up Cameron!"
The answer is "I am present!" Oh but I am present and I own this moment. Im practically sprinting.
My Angel.
I swing the door open and run inside. She must still be here. I know it.
What..its empty. The stage is empty. Everyone has left. I can feel my head fall back down.
"Neil, are you, are you crying?"
"Oh!"
Angel. She is here in all her glory. Is she here? She is. I can see her.
The next moment I cant breathe. Somewhere along the line, something has changed because my lips are on hers. Slowly our kiss turns passionate and I don't care about the pain in my neck, or that I cant feel my legs or that I cant remember the day I was born.
My hands are all over the place and I don't even know what I am doing. I accidentally or may be purposely knock her cap off. My hands are so clumsy and I fear too rough. But now Im touching silk. Black Silk. She's a dark angel.
From her hair to her face, my fingers literally itch to touch each velvet. She is so soft. All over. I can feel it.
I go back to kissing her cheeks as we start to slow down and I hear her gasp. The next minute I literally tear myself apart from her. Under normal circumstances I would laugh at how we both gasp for air. She's taking big, big gasps.
I try and shuffle my feet back into normal standing position.
My eyes are on her as she recovers but my head is still in the clouds. My angel softly runs her fingers across my hand "I have to go Neil"
"What? "N.no. Don't say that." I smile. She doesn't mean it. "I think I liked you better when you were half choking"
Not even a hint of a smile. She just looks at me straight in the eyes and my heart lurches.
"No. Stay, ple."
"No Im so sorry. I cant. Not now"
"…. Neil….you're.. Are are you ok…You look so pale.." She leans forward and grasps my hand.
I cant feel anything in my fingers as my angel tries to rub them warm.
Gradually I get some feeling back. I turn to look at her, letting her know I am alright. I cant help it but I sigh.
After a minute she says, "Meet me at the Old Indian Cave tomorrow near midnight"
& I am alone.
"Angel's" point of view.
I'm floating so high that I fear I will crash down and I wont know where to land.
I must be kidding myself. Neil? He wouldnt notice someone like me.
But yesterday he was almost trembling with passion.
But I only wanted to wish him luck. He is just so different to any boy I ever met. Well, anyone I ever met.
Godd..
..I desperately want to swear. Ah, but I cant. Heck I cant even be in a foul mood and do the normal thing of sticking my tongue out at myself in the mirror. Yeah like thats normal. What would I know about that anyway?
I miss things. I miss Mom.
She was wrong. I DO know how to love. And I want things now for me. And for us. For Neil. I want a future. I WANT to have that rollercoaster. Any rollercoaster. I want to feel fully. I want to fly without flying. I want to feel cold. I want to walk and skip. And trip and run.
I've sure done something stupid this time. More so than usual. Does Neil even want me? He does because I felt it. But oh I could be so wrong. You used to lecture me about that Mom, remember? That I feel too much. I couldnt even hide it. "You're too honest" "Like an open book"
You think I would forget all this. I forget most of the details about myself but I remember my feelings.
My stupid feelings..
Why did I have to go and look at his face? I never did before..when all this mattered. I hardly ever made eye contact with anyone. Another thing you used to lecture me on Mom. I miss your lectures. Im crazy. But I miss them so much.
With a deep long sigh, I start getting dressed and ready. Not that it matters but I guess Im here so I may as well have the normal human routine.
More than 12 hours until tonight. Anything could happen till then. No thats the thing. It cant, not anymore. I will never know how much difference a day makes.
At least I know love though. At least with with whatever happenened I saw Neil. Am in love? I dont know but, I almost smile to myself (an action that kind of looks like a silly version of a mona lisa smile on me), that I see Neil and he sees me. He SEES me.
I wonder what he thinks of my wardrobe of white. I would have preferred some variation. I guess it fits in well with the circumstances. Whatever does he see in me anyway?
Oh late. Late as usual. One thing hasnt changed. Well, not that it matters. And if it did, I wouldnt care anyway. I have butterflies in my stomach. Its odd at what I can feel nowadays. I love how I see him everywhere yet I miss him so much. He must be miles away from me. Not tonight though and I cant help it but let out an uncharacterisic giggle. I never realised I would go all girly..
Neil
I couldn't sleep. I know why that was. I was dreaming of HER. She in her white and I with my crown of thorns. We were going someplace , we are running almost flying and just before the metal, there was a shadow. I grasped her hand as we held our breath, "Disappear" "Let us be" Slowly I could see a man's face. He took off his coat and he approached me. With that firm voice he looks at me and says "Wear this my son"
I wake up and sat as straight as a spike. I looked to Todd but I didn't want to disturb him. I swear at times, he wants to say something to me. I want to ask him, what did you think of my dad? Lets see how he responds.
But whats the use of it anyway? What am I doing? Who is she? I don't even know who she is? Im just …I think my feelings of Puck are taking over. This is my calling., I want to act and this is normal to feel so heightened as I have been doing this past few days. Right? My dad wants me to study and study I will. I wont let him find a reason to stop me from being in this play. Ill prove to him I can do both just as well. I'll talk to him. But meanwhile I got to get her out of my system.
I wish I could talk to her now. "Its over" If I say it enough times, I can sound convincing. And maybe it wont break my heart so much. Goddammit. Charlie. I can talk to him. I wont tell him everything but I can ask him things. Just in general. Let some of him pass onto me.
6am, I snort. May as well rehearse my lines. The library wont be open yet.
"Neil, what are you doing up?"
"Neil?"
"Oh hey ," " I couldn't sleep. What time is it?" What? Why is he looking at me. I swear sometimes he thinks me the weirdest guy alive.
As he scuffles to get dressed, I start getting ready myself. "Listen buddy Im off to the library ok so Ill see you in class" I tap him on the back and leave the room. Poor Todd. He'll be stuck with Cameron at the breakfast table again.
*a while later..*
As I rush into class, I see Captain at his desk. "Im sorry Im late Sir"
"Alright Mr Perry"
I sit at my desk and listen to Mr Keating.
I try and make myself focus. Im pushing myself I know. I can make it through the day and act like nothing is wrong. My hands are shaking but I force myself to be young Mr Perry. I don't want Mr Keating to latch onto anything unusual about me. I raise my hand and answer some of the questions. Its almost cruel how my voice sounds confident and all my answers are correct when inside I'm a mess.
Luckily the bell rings and I rush out of class.
As I leave my room, I write a note for Todd, "Going to be rehearsing all today. Ill see you later" Quickly putting that on the table, I snatch my glasses and make a run.
As I sit in the library, I focus my mind on my books. Yet whenever I finish a question, I look up and I see her. If I don't go tonight, then I wont be breaking her heart. And I'll be able to concentrate on my play. Im so glad I don't have rehearsal. She would probably show up in her stupid white gown.
Damn her! Damn my father! This is MY play. I wanted to do this forever and I wont let any of them take that dream away from me. Seize the day. For me. Not for anyone else.
I grit my teeth and settle down almost pushing my face in my books.
The door creaks open. Todd?
He walks towards me, that shy expression on his face.
"Thought you might be here"
"I decided to skip rehearsal and study" I lie.
"Your ddad?"
"I just think its best I concentrate on my work and I can still attend other rehearsals"
I see can an Oh forming. He knows something is up. He knows me.
I look ahead but after a minute he says "Just be honest with yourself and with your dad" He whispers and then starts to get up.
I watch him walk away , silently.
Angel.
Its going to be ok. Just explain to him. If you are honest, things will work out.
The night is cold and foggy. Good. He wont get caught. I walk briskly to the cave. I know he knows where it is. I know something about him. I don't feel any different walking like this to how I felt before. I always felt alive and beautiful when I was surrounded by only the air and the trees. I smile. Funny how some things don't change. Yet I wish I could feel other things.
The earth is almost damp. Its not slippery though. Im almost at the cave.
Neil.
This is crazy. I feel I am going against everything by meeting her. I have to force myself to say again and again be honest. It will be ok. Just explain to her. If you are honest, things will work out.
Everyone is asleep. Luckily they bought all the stuff I told them about not having a meet tonight. I wonder if even Todd had something to do with that. Something has changed. They seemed preoccupied but that's why we have these meetings.
Its almost going to snow. I can feel it. I walk a little faster. I wonder if she will even show up. I cant just leave a note for her. I think she will come. Which makes things harder and easier at the same time.
I feel some water on my hands. I start to run once Im in the woods. Dead Poets Society. Wonder if there are any ghosts?
I'm at the cave and I see her. For a minute, I just look at her. She is marvellous. Sitting on a the side of the rock, shes dressed in white and I thank God she never wears anything else.
As I walk in, her eyes swing to me. "Hi" Her voice is low and breathy.
"Hi" I cant help it, I smile.
We walk towards each other and it takes me everything, EVERYTHING not to kiss her. All I see is her lips. They taunt me. I want to just kiss. That's all. I grunt and sprint to the other side of the cave.
"I just want to talk. That's all"
Angel
"Yes, same. I want to.. talk."
I thought he may let me speak first but we both rush out with "We cant see each other again"
As soon as I say it, I look at him. He looks shocked and ..then…I cant even put into words how he looks.
Neil.
I plonk myself down. I almost fall.
I start nodding. I don't what's happening. This doesn't make sense, none of it!
Then out of nowhere, I ask her"How did you know about this cave?"
She looks at me like she almost feels sorry. "I just do" She shrugs. "I..know about you a little bit"
"Oh I see!" I cant help being sarcastic but none of this makes sense.
"No. You don't. You don't know me Neil."
"What's there to know?" He whispers.
"I wish I could tell you. I'm..I didn't think I would be scared of you but I am. But I..its good you came. Its good that this is the last we time we will speak to each other. Its good."
"So you came to break up with me?" I ask her. She nods.
Angel.
"And you came to break up with me". He nods.
"So then tis done, Puck." I rise and offer him my hand. "Bye."
He looks down at my hand and it feels like for a minute that he cant look away. He then takes it and raises it to his lips and I feel him brush a tender yet small good bye kiss on it.
I walk away. For the first time, I close my eyes. They feel heavy. I want to cry.
I breathe in the unclean air around me. I walk to the entrance and place my foot on the rock to lever myself up.
I lift myself out of the cave.
What.. my stupid gown. It's stuck. I try to wrench it out, I can feel something break. Its no good. Its still stuck.
"Its going to tear" I hear Neil say.
"Let it!"
"No. Its beautiful don't let it tear."
I look down at him. I look straight into his eyes. He is looking at me and I feel his hand touch my ankle.
"Don't go" He says.
As if mesmerised, he trails the ends of his fingers up and down my calves. Then with one swift move, unhooks my gown from the point of the rock and I fall in his arms.
He kisses me passionately. His lips are still on mine as he almost bruises them and whispers"I don't want you to go. I don't want us to break. I want to see you again. I want you to tell me things. I want you, my angel. I wanted so much. But I want you more"
I kiss him as he says all this. "Neil" I whisper.
"We can work something out."
""No" I moan as I kiss him. "it will be no good"
"Yes it will"
"Puck?" as his lips are still on mine
"I don't want Puck if I cant have you"
"You don't mean that." I am kissing him like a madwoman now "You are not yourself"
" What good is Puck if I can't feel?" He lips feel exquisite. I am in another Heaven.
"Ask me how I know about you? Ask me about the cave"
Our lips break free and I moan. His hands cradle my face and he whispers into my ear, "How do you know about me? How do you know about the cave?"
"I'm an angel" I say.
"I know" I can hear him smile. I feel his eyelashes dust the tip of my ear.
He faces me again. For a minute we look at each other.
Then I laugh.
He starts laughing too.
"You're MY angel"
"Yes I am."
Then, he smiles softly and steps closer. "Come to save my from my father?" He quirks his eyebrow at me
I smile. "I dont know anything about your father"
"Hmm"..He's teasing but I see a hint of a question on his face. He starts pacing.
I see him act almost Puck like now. "So..you followed me into the woods?"
"I may have done.." I reply teasingly.
"On occasion" He nods dramatically
"On occasion" I nod back once.
"Been reading Thoreau?" He comes up behind me and whispers into my ear.
"I know a bit" I whisper back, barely finding my voice.
"Dead Poets?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Nothing." He says. He walks in front of me.
I can still see him look questioningly at me. Though he takes he brushes his fingers against my hand.
He whispers "And you were going to break up with me?"
"I wanted to"
"Because of my play?"
Amongst other things. "Yes"
He grasps my hand. "But now you know that my play comes second to you"
"I dont believe you still but if you say so.."
He smiles.
I lean in closer. "What ABOUT your father?" I ask
"Another time" He shakes his head wearily . "Just hold me tonight."
I wake up with his coat wrapped around me. It smelled of Neil. Silly, but I smile. His hands have escaped mine. They were cold last night so I tried to warm them. He must be hungry too.
"I see you have my coat" He mumbles.
I smile. He is finally awake then.
He moves closer to me and now my ear is right on his heart. I can hear it beat.
Neil.
I place my neck against her softness. I want to soak all of her up. It feels incredible. This whole thing. We just layed there last night. I feel cold and hungry. Sometime she must have stolen my coat.
As much as I want to be near her like this all the time, pulse against pulse, I move my body to sit up. I look down on her. I can't help it but I notice her breasts in this position. "Do you remember what you asked me last night?"
"Yes" She says. Just one word. Her face is honest and serious.
"He would kill me if he found out about this" I say, holding her eyes with mine.
She starts to sit up. When she does, my eyes move from her body to her lips. She, then, gently places her lips upon mine. Our faces are so close. She takes my hand, under her dress and places it against her breast.
I feel my heart speed up. I kiss her deeply. I didnt expect this to happen but I'm not going to ignore it either. In fact I want it. I take my other hand which is on her knee and slip it underneath her dress against her other breast. I have so much pent up emotion and feeling since having her body so close to mine when we slept. This time I encompass all of her breast and I start to move my hand. Then, the other hand and then both. It's the first time I have ever done this. I've seen a girl before but I've never actually done anything. It feels wicked but natural. Like I was born to feel her skin againt mine. As I continue, she moans and my lips are on hers again. This time, they're not gentle. My hands are still on her breast. on, around, everywhere, I can't get enough and suddenly I feel an overwhelming urge. Stronger than anything I have felt before. In a rush, I take my hands off her breasts. Oh God! She drags me to the ground on top of her in one quick movement, her hands almost tearing my shirt. I feel heady as she slips her legs around mine. After a moment, I free one hand to caress each part of her body. I skim over her peaks, her belly, her front and her thighs. With the other hand we somehow make ourselves closer. I almost finish right then and there as she squeezes me but I hang on to the last shred of patience I have and at last she lets out a loud cry, muffled against my shoulder. The sound of her, the feel of her, is more than enough and shudders rack my body. She grabs my face and kisses me as I moan into her mouth. I lean down and bury my face against her neck which is covered with sweat, hers, mine who knows, I barely care as I start to recover.
Angel.
What have I done?
I feel a different tightness and I start to sit up, out of Neil's embrace. I look down and I notice some drops against my white gown. Oh my God. It's blood. I cry out.
"Whats wrong?"
I look away.
He notices me move my hands over the bottom of my dress.
"You'll be okay" He says, after a moment. My head starts to thump and I feel new sensations. Ones I haven't felt for a long time. Im getting a headache. Im actually getting a headache. "This happens, doesn't it? I mean, its normal" he says, breaking through my thoughts.
No it's not normal. It can't be. I dont know what is normal anymore. I don't know what is happening to me. And I don't know about this. This is all so absurd. I have never done this before. And I feel pain.
"You should get back" I say, finding my voice. "I need to go back too." I need to get back to my room and sort myself out. I take off his coat which in some miracle Im still wearing. I could laugh at the absurdity of the situation. Im sure he's laughing at me now. I place his coat on the floor.
I start to wear my shoes and rush towards the entrance.
I keep my gaze on anything but him.
"Don't go, angel" He says
"That IS NOT MY NAME!" I shout. It echoes in the cave.
For the first time, since what happened, we both look at each other. I feel his eyes blazing into mine. And I actually want to run back to him.
Instead, after a moment, I say "Give me some time to think over this, okay?"
He doesn't look at me. Clearly, Ive broken his heart.
"I WILL see you again" I say softly. I hope that my words touch him. Give him hope. Like a traitor, I move further to the entrance and place one foot against the rock. As I stand up, I feel his face against my dress. I would do anything to feel his face against my thighs. But, I jerk my body away cruelly. Away from his face.
"Yeah well" He says "don't bet on it." Oh God. His voice is soft and gravelly. There is bitterness and anger. I feel his voice go through my skin and into my heart.
I'm going to break. But I can't. I feel like I shouldn't stop for a second. I continue climbing up, my body posessed but as I do, his last words echo in my mind. What started happened so quickly. It all has happened so quickly and now it has ended in the same way.
As I come out into the real world, I take a deep breathe. After a second, it sticks in my throat and I let out a sound. I feel the cold air slap against my cheek. It gives me a different pain. And it reminds me of him against me. I look up and it's a sunny day. Disgusting contrast to what I feel inside. As I walk on, I feel the ground sink under each footstep. It has been raining and the earth is wet and soft. Tears come to my eyes. Despite, the lingering tightness, I start to run. My feet slip but I dont fall as I am determined to return to my room as soon as possible.
Neil.
Only 5 minutes ago, we were so close. What could have happened? She's making a big drama. I would have helped her. We could have found out what it was together. Why didnt I say that?! I just gawped at her. Like she was someone else and then she made that comment about her name, And I wanted to take her in my arms and ask over and over, what IS your name?
I see my coat on the ground and I laugh. It's reminds me of everything. As I bend to pick it up, I run my fingers over it. I want to kick it but something stops me.
What if she's pregnant? I look up and see the walls of the cave. I feel like Im closed in. I need to get out.
As I climb up and leave, I take my first breath of air. It reminds me of her. The coat feels like a weight on my back. But one I can not let go off.
I walk back to Welton. Sometime in the night, my watch must have stopped. What do I care? If I dont have her, I can forget about my play. Happy Birthday Dad I think.
As I go through the doors I see the students walking the corridor. Shit Im late.
"Neil where the hell have you been!" Cameron comes close to my face
"I.. I had to see to something. Whats going on?" I say.
"Hey Neil you had better get to class" Knoxious walks past.
I need to grab my books. Where's Todd?"
"He's got your books with him" Knox yells over his shoulder.
Cameron is still looking at me. I look at him and make my way to class.
As I walk in I notice Mr Keating's eyes on me. I walk past everyone at their desks and sit at mine. I notice my books are placed on the desk and I look over to Todd.
Thankfully Mr Keating is still talking.
He looks over to me "What is the main purpose of the English language Mr Perry?"
I see him look at me with a twinkle in his eye. "Um.. to communicate" Despite everything I find my voice to answer.
"No to woo women" And despite everything I laugh. Dont talk to me about women.
"If everyone wrote poetry, the planet would starve for God's sake." Captain paces. "But there must be poetry--and we must stop to notice it--in even the simplest acts of living, or we will have wasted the truly wonderful opportunity that life as human beings offers us. That said, who wants to recite next? Come on. I'll get to everyone eventually."
"Look at Mr. Anderson." He continues. "In such agony. Step up, lad, and let's put you out of your misery."
Todd have you prepared your poem? I ask inside my head.
I didnt..do it" Todd mumbles.
"Mr. Anderson believes that everything he has inside of him is worth and embarrassing. Isn't that your fear?" Keating asks "Well I think you have something inside of you."
Mr Keating strides to the blackboard.
"I SOUND MY BARBARIC YAWP OVER THE ROOFTOPS OF THE WORLD.--
Walt Whitman
"A yawp! for those who don't know, is a loud cry or yell. Todd, I would like you to give us a demonstration of a barbaric yawp."
The class sniggers.
"Well come on boy you cant yawp sitting down"
Todd gets up and walks slowy to front of the class. Its the first time Ive seen him for probably two days.
His shoulders are slumped and his face is embarassed.
"A yawp?" Todd asks quietly
"A barbaric yawp" Keating counters
"A yawp"
"Oh come you can do better than that"
"Yawp "
"Louder!"
"Yawp"
"Good god, boy! Yell!"
"YAWP! "
There it is.
"There's a barbarian in you afterall! " Keating grins "Come on. He grabs Todd. "There's a picture of Whitman over the door. What does he remind you of? Quickly, don't think about it."
"A madman" Todd replies.
He IS a madman, I think .
"What kind of madman? Don't think! Answer." Keating is on top of Todd now.
"A crazy madman."
"Go on. Use your imagination! First thing that pops to your mind, even if it's gibberish!"
"A... A sweaty-toothed madman."
"Now there's the poet speaking! Close your eyes. Close your eyes" Keating closes Todd's eyes "and think of the picture. Describe what you see. NOW!"
"I... I close my eye"s Todd says "His image floats beside me. A sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain."
"Excellent! Have him act. Give it rhythm!"
Keating with his hands still on Todd's eyes circles him.
The room has gone electric.
"His hands reach out and choke me All the time he mumbles slowly." (Todd)
"Truth..Truth like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold."
The class sniggers again. I come out of my daze. Keating says something to Todd who starts to open is eyes.
"You stretch it, pull it, it will never cover any of us. Kick at it, beat it, it will never be enough--
From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying. It will cover just your head as you wail and cry and scream!"
Oh my God.
It takes my breath away.
After our class, we play soccer. I feel so in the moment. I can go and be Puck. I am Puck. NOTHING will take that way from me.
But something tugs at me. Her.
And then amidst all the noise in the bathroom, it dawns on me, what if she is just afraid?
I look around me and I would give anything to say something to someone. But I cant get and besides it would get her into trouble.
I cant afford to tell anyone at all. Maybe Ill tell Todd but I dont want to ruin his magnificent day. And it was magnificent.
I whistle and the noise is loud. A few guys look up but I continue.
I take my time in the shower and when I get out I notice the whole bathroom is empty. I run towards the door. Good, at least its open.
Angel
"Oh God" I murmur. I've just seen Neil.
He is wearing his tshirt with his coat in one shoulder and his hair is different. Turn back, turn back.
He sees me. His face changes. It's too late. Everything feels in slow motion as we walk to each other.
"What are you doing here?" He asks as he catches up to me.
I, I feel so awkward. "I was coming to see your play" God, his hair is all wet.
"Rehearsals aren't till tomoro" he whispers looking at me intently.
"Can we go somewhere?" I ask.
For a minute he looks unsure. I must have hurt him bad.
Then he takes my hand. "Come with me" he says.
We walk quick and fast towards the covered area near the courtyard.
"Keep your voice low and no one will notice" he whispers into my ear.
My mind is so intent that despite his being so close, I tell him "I may be pregnant"
"I..I was thinking about this in my room. Im sorry I ran out. I just saw blood and panicked. It was my first time" I continue. He is still holding my hand.
"I'll stand by you" He says. And I understand what he means "It was mine too"
We look at each other and I reach up and kiss him.
Someone whistles.
I gasp and jerk away. Can they see me?" I ask.
"They wouldnt have seen your face. Its ok. Just boys" His voice is deeper.
I have to go. I hand him the spare key to my room. "Take it and don't ask questions. Meet me tomoro night."
"But..he looks confused "angel, I want to talk now."
When he says angel, I remember how I shouted at him at the cave and I reach up and kiss his cheek. "Please. Tomoro"
"After rehearsal?"
"Sure"
Neil.
And with that she runs off. Again.
I lean my head back against the pillar and breathe what is left of her scent. It's musky and warm and somehow different to how I first remembered her. When I hear footsteps, I put on my coat and walk back to my room, smiling, I can't help it.
When I reach, I notice Todd isn't there. Gosh I need to thank him.
Im hungry but tired. The days events are catching up with me. I dont bother combing my hair and changing, I just take off my shoes and jump into bed.
"My son. My son. MY SON"
Oh God!
I awake with a gasp.
Todd hears me. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah Im sorry go bback to sleep" I say
I had a dream. My dad was walking to me with a black coak in his arm and he kept on talking and as he got closer all I could hear was "my son" The sound was deafening.
I get up. "Its ok" I say to Todd but I notice he has his eyes closed. On the desk, there is some food. I look at him. He has gone back to sleep. I pick up a bun and shove it in my pocket and walk out. God. I lean at the door. My head thumps and my ears screech badly. Its not the first time I've dreamt.
I walk towards the bathroom. Hager normally gets up around dawn so it's open. I take a shower to wash the sweat off of me.
As I clean up, it becomes clearer and clearer that I need to see her.
I wait till Hager has gone out. I turn the water off. Once hes gone, I get out and get ready.
515. Where could that possibly be? It looks like a Welton key chain funnily enough. But how can she be living here at Welton?
"Mr Perry, you're up early." Hager.
"Yes Sir. Library." I say.
He looks at me but I ignore him and walk past. The library isnt even open until later. I dont care.
Im already at 501. I walk on further. Room 515. Here it is. I knock gently. I was always told to knock. But it's stupid. She won't hear me at this level. Not wanting to draw attention, I look towards the end of the corridor. Hager isnt there. I fit the key in and turn it.
The door opens.
The room is pitch dark. I close the door. "Hello?" I question. "Hello?" No one answers, I see a thread dangling from the ceiling and I pull it. No light.
From what I can make, the curtains are closed. I walk towards the window and pull them open gently. The bed is empty.
I look around. A white gown. So this IS her room. "Mom" On her desk lies a photo. She has scribbled on the front of it. She looks younger in it. A picture of her smiling shyly next to her mother. She stands proud and almost pushes her stomach towards the camera. She has rosy cheeks and her mom has the same cheeks too. I smile. I have to keep this one for myself I think but I place it back. I guess she misses her mother. But what on earth is she doing at Welton?
I walk around the room looking for something else.
Nothing.
As I walk towards the door, I wonder if I should wait for her. Lie in her bed for a bit. No. I had better get back I think. She wouldnt be happy if she found me here and the last thing I want is to ruin tonight's meeting. From here, I can see the photo at her desk. That one of her and her mother. I walk back and turn it to its back. "1931." I look back at the photo.
Year 1931?
But she's..13 in this? Her body shows she must be around 10/13. 15 at tops.
1931. That would make her..that would make her 38 now. At least. But that's impossible.
Maybe I misunderstood.
What else could 1931 be?
Im so confused. I feel a bit creeped out. I put the photo back on the table and walk out.
Who is she? What is going on?
Roughly I place the key back in the lock and click shut.
The hall is still empty.
I need to go out for air.
Angel.
The halls are always free at this time. Thank Heavens. So quiet. Always so quiet. Over there. Over here. Everywhere. I run down the hall not caring if anyone hears. Since things are different now I feel like I should throw caution to the wind. I'm so close..so close..any moment now my life, my LIFE could change. Im going to have to face my past sooner or later. But at the moment I really need to sleep. I throw my satchel on the floor. Then I lock my room.
I catch a quick glimpse of Mom in that photo. She looks different now.
"Ah" I sigh and place my weary head on the pillow.
Neil.
"Big universities are crowded" Keating's voice booms "Sodoms and Gomorrahs filled with those delectable beasts we see so little of here: females. The level of
distraction is dangerously high, but this quiz is designed to prepare you."
" Let me warn you, this test will count." He says less loudly."Begin"
"Concentrate on your tests, boys. You have twenty minutes" Keating says.
I look up. There is a picture of a girl with a very cuvy figure. Pointed breasts, small waist
and short skirt.
So what?
She isn't my angel.
Keating changes the slide. This time some magazine doll. *Snap* Another slide comes on.
A greek statue.
The boys around me are staring up and I can pracitcally hear the drool.
I hear a pencil break I turn around. Knox is scribbling on his paper, face almost on the desk.
Another slide comes on the screen. A small Cupid.
The simplicity there, reminds me of her.
I think back to the photo. I feel lightheaded. I gasp my lips and I feel blood almost draw. I dont care. I continue my test.
"Are you alright" Todd asks me for the second time today. The test has finished and Keating collected our papers. We make our way out of the room.
"Yeah. I reply "Hey lets get some lunch"
As I come to the table,
"Neil!" It's Charlie.
"Hey Slick" I say trying to smile.
"See, that is why you need experience" Pittsie is talking.
"Experience?" Knox asks dubiously.
"Yeah experience. Like us. You know hang out with a few girls." Meeks says. The way he says it, so cool.
Cameron snorts.
"Thats rich" remarks Charlie.
"What come on why do you think we are doing this great service to America?" Meeks asks
Knox looks blank
"Radio free America?" Meeks counters
"Boo!" Pitts remarks
"Erm cos your geeks?" Knox.
"Whatever" Meeks murmurs "To get the girls"
The boys laugh. And I'm back to thinking about angel again.
Todd and I spend the afternoon doing History in the library.
"Why do you act?" Todd whispers.
I look at him. I think about the question for a minute. "Most people, if they're lucky live about half an exciting life. If ..if I could get the parts, I could live
dozens of lives. I feel alive."
An idea pops into my head. "You should come to rehearsals."
"No thanks" Todd says.
After a minute I look up. I expected his head to be back in his books but he still looking at me. He seems to want to ask me something again.
The bell rings. " Time us up for my rehearsal. Got to go. Save some dinner for me" I say quickly.
I turn my face to him "Hey.. thanks." I say remembering earlier.
"No problem" Todd says.
As I walk to the theatre I remember her again. The ground is soft and wet and for the past few days its been the same. What if? I start thinking and then I stop my thoughts. Tonight I'm going to concentrate on Puck. Then I' ll worry about her.
As I reach the stage, I hear a flute. I feel like Im back at my second home.
I see Hermia in her crown. Its no dress rehearsal but she wears it anyway. I smile to myself. I love acting.
I get prepared and walk on the stage. As it's my turn I think of angel. Is that her name? I dont know. I dont know anything it would seem. But..
"If we shadows have offended think but this and all is mended that you have but slumbered here While these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, No more yielding but a dream, Gentles, do not reprehend: if you pardon, we will mend: And, as I am an honest Puck, If we have unearned luck Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue, We will make amends ere long; Else the Puck a liar call; So, good night unto you all. Give me your hands, if we be friends, And Robin shall restore amends. "
I walk back from my rehearsal in high spirits. "I will restore amends" I reach my room and open the door.
"Father!"
Oh God.
"Neil" He says.
"Father before you say anything"
"You are going to quit this ridiculous play immediately." He interrupts.
"Father "
He stands up and faces me."Don't you dare talk back to me! It's bad enough that you've wasted your time with this absurd acting business.
But you deliberately deceived me! Who put this in your head? How did you expect to get away with it? Answer me!"
"Nobody--I thought I'd surprise you. I've got all A's and--"
"Did you really think I wouldn't find out?! "
My ears burn.
"My niece is in a play with your son," Mrs. Marks says. "You must be mistaken," I say.
"My son isn't in a play." You made a liar out of me, Neil! Now you will go tomorrow and tell them you are quitting."
"Father, I have the main part. The performance is tomorrow night!" I say.
"I don't care if the world is coming to an end tomorrow night, you are through with that play! Is that clear? Is that clear!"
"Yes Sir."
Oh yes it is clear.
"I've made great sacrifices to get you here, Neil. You will not let me down."
Angel.
Knock knock. The sound on the door is sharp. I walk towards the door and peek through the crack. It is Neil.
I let him in.
He walks in the room.
I close the door behind me and I notice him almost right on my back.
"Neil what's happening?" I turn round to face him.
I look up.
His eyes are glistening.
His face is flushed.
"What?"
"How old are you?" He asks, his voice rough.
"Im 19"
"Are you sure?" His chest is heaving. His face is almost on my face.
"Neil?" He is not himself. He face and stance have taken on the look of another man.
For a moment, he is quiet. Then,
"I saw my dad." He backs away from me "He's not letting me in the play."
"I'm sorry" I close my eyes.
"Sit down" I order him gently. I notice he has gone pale. "Hey take it easy." I open a window. "Are you ok?"
He nods.
"Ssorry. About.." he nods to the door
"Its ok." I reply. And actually it is.
"Neil you have to do something about this." I say. "Quit the play."
"I can't. He says heavily. "It means so much."
His face looks broken like when I jerked my body away from his at the cave.
"Tell your dad." I blurt out.
He looks at me.
I kneel down and take his cold hands in mine. I look up at him but he keeps turns his gaze onto his lap.
"Mr Keating said seize the day. Take from today and forget about tomorrow. Today is beautiful." Neil says.
He is right. It is.
"Are you afraid of your dad , Neil?" I ask softly. Then to ease the pain of his question I kiss his lips.
God.
"Make love to me." I say.
"Make love to me and then go to Mr Keating and tell him. Ask him what to do."
He face looks so weary and torn. Then after a minute he says,
"I have so many questions for you" His voice is a whisper "but everytime i ask you something, you want to make love." I can hear feel the corner of his lip twitch against my cheek.
"I think what we did at the cave" I look at him "I mean I'm not expert but that wasnt really a leisurely exploration" I smile softly. "I want to make love!" I sigh.
"I didnt hurt you?" he asks.
It dawns on me what he asks.
"It was ok." I reply. "Neil everything you did, everything you do and are, it means so much to me."
He sits there and our faces remain in the same postion. Then,
I place one leg on one side of his and gradually assert some weight on his lap.
"What if?" He asks me.
No what ifs. I don't say the words out loud, instead I distract him with the actions of them.
*later on* "Neil" It comes out as a whisper. My face is to one side. I turn it towards the pillow needing something cold. After a moment, I turn my body over to face him. My hand has a mind of its own and reaches towards his chest. His pulse is almost racing. How odd, I think. As I try to get his attention, he sits up and gets out of bed. I watch him as he gets dressed. His movements are slow and kind of jerky..
He doesn't look at me. His head is down. He walks towards the door.
"Good luck" I blurt out.
He looks back and smiles.
Neil.
I can't talk to my father like that. I think to myself as I leave Mr Keating's office. He says to tell. But I can't.
Can I?
"Watch it"
"Sorry" I murmur. I almost bump into one of the other boys.
Something has frozen inside of me. I try and picture her as I left her half an hour ago. Concentrate on her because I had been unable to concentrate before.
But I can't.
For a second, an image of sort of calm fleets through my mind. It's a face, looking concerned. I see lines. "tell him what you told me"
Oh God, the dull ache that has been there all evening intensifies.
As I open the door, I find Todd on his bed.
"Hey" he says.
"Hey" I sigh, gather my bag and and towel.
Angel.
"Oh God Neil" I wonder as I leave my room. I feel like I'm suffocating. Like i felt once before. I check my pocket, I have mom's photo with me. I need to sort out things before it is too late. Then hopefully I can make it back for his play tomorrow. He' ll be ok I try and reassure myself. I think he will be. Not everyone is like...but as that thought comes into my mind, I block it out. What's the good in worrying? What did he say, today is beautiful make the most of today. Seize the day. I felt him say that once again, against my body. I didnt mind what didnt happen. I knew he had a lot on his mind.
Neil.
I wash myself in the shower. I'm thinking of her again. She's come back. The hot water; God, her skin. It was almost burning. Alive. She felt so alive.
I feel tears come to my face and I move my hands quickly. Sometime I have slowed down and washed myself in a daze but I need to be back before the stupid lights out.
I finish up and quickly slip on my pyjamas and grab my night shirt.
Tomoro. Soon it will be tomoro. Will tomoro be beautiful? I laugh at my thought.
I close the door of the bedroom and try and get some sleep.
The next morning, the whole world is buzzing around me. I put on a brave face. I couldnt sleep much and my hands are almost shaking. Like last night but due to tiredness.
But in a sense I also feel..in a moment..
I'm almost out of my body. I skipped breakfast and just spent the past hour in the library. I didnt do any work. I just said my lines over and over in my head. And now Im in Mr Keating's class. We listened to music and had to cover our eyes to feel the music, he said. But I could only see and feel darkness.
I opened my eyes against the blindfold and the sound, the most magical sound came to my hear. It was a light harp. Some one tugging at the strings. The violin stopped. I felt my heart come back.
Chairs squeak. Footsteps. Some boys are humming. The music has stopped. The class is over.
As I take off my blindfold, I notice Mr Keating walk towards me
"What did your father say? Did you talk to him?"
"Yeah" I lie. "y..Yeah. He didn't like it one bit but I think hes going to let me stay in the play"
I NEED to tell him I think as I walk out of the classroom. God, there really is no other way. When he comes back from Chicago, I'll tell him.
I shake my head, feeling almost betrayed by it all.
I need to see HER before I go to Henley Hall.
I decide to skip lunch and see her.
As I walk down the corridor that leads me to her room, I see a man walking in front. I slow my footsteps and walk slower.
I reach her room. There are voices inside. I look in. It's the same man. He's holding a box.
"Hello?" The man catches me looking in.
I see a boy go in.
"Hey" I say quickly, back to the man. He looks at me oddly.
erm..I look at the door. no this IS room 515. This IS her room.
"Can I help you?" His voice is blunt.
I see the boy and father stand next to each other. The boy is wearing the Welton uniform and the man is in a suit.
Like me and Father I think.
"No .. its okay" I say.
What is happening?
I start to walk out. Where is she? I think. "Angel" I whisper.
I dont have time for this. I need to get to my rehearsal.
No comments:
Post a Comment