I really don't get how some people can be so fragile in one sense and then so not, people say to me oh you have different sides, contrasts, are you fucking kidding me? I have NOTHING on the people out there. I'm way more true to who I am inside. That's not a boast but I can't live a lie and I just think these people are living a lie or they're just brilliant little actors and actresses or they truly have really opposing sides.
I mean, it's not that I hate myself. I hate other people that hate me. Hate is a strong word but they genuinly repulse me not because of the hating me part, but the fact they should pick on a random stranger! It's THAT which although doesn't surprise me or sadden me but shows how bitchy they are. I have known from sometime that I'm alright and I don't NEED to think of myself any other than that, because life isn't a competition to me and I LIKE myself! I DO NOT look to others, I look at them when they point a finger at someone because I HATE them for doing that, I know what that's like, it's happened to me. Seriously, I've never understood the need to big myself up and say I'm awesome. A human being expressing themselves is not that awesome, it's admirable but it's PART of being human. It's your actions and what you can do that are awesome. To go out and not be another person who bites the dust, to conquer THAT to me is truly awe inspiring, awesome is thrown around and I do that too but I'm left in awe of ACTIONS.
I like the company of some people but I don't have a need to have their admiration or respect. It's nice when you get that but I don't get a rush from it and the trouble with expressing yourself is you can never quite express yourself enough. I tend to think of a lot of things and go areas, because I have a lot of time on my hands, and I don't put myself down, I'm realistic but even that doesn't come across in expressing myself as well as I can at that moment. After all, I don't preplan responses.
Why should I? And it's not that I have a problem with being misunderstood or taken another way, merely that I guess I'm different to others who look at themselves and mouth you will succeed or whatever stuff, I just don't think like that. I don't feel the need to be an adjective, I just want to live.
Do what ever it takes. I'm not saying my way is the right way but I am saying we are all different no matter this crap that gets fed to us about human nature.
Also, I read this article. I mean seriously, merely getting stared at is a good day for me. I've had to grow up very quickly and see the dark sides, because it's been exposed, and it's hurtful of course it is, how can you say to ignore it, you'd have to be inhumane or delusional,what you can do is see it and just move forward regardless. The fact that this woman implies that not having her face or hair visible makes her noneity made me see people's fragility. She's out there writing but her appearance is so important or The Rules as in fitting society's bracket.
But then I also don't feel a need in understanding people. I just find them odd. And they find me odd and we find each other odd in different ways. That's how it rolls. I'm all about the connection, just don't expect to solve the riddle that you think is me. I'm no more of a riddle than you, I just express more in a more direct way.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2006/oct/17/gender.religion
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