Diary, I've been stupid,

This is my goodbye to this thing.

Feelings can not be helped and that I should never regret. That is who I am afterall. I also have zilch regret when it comes to my actions.

Nevertheless as I sit here feet soaking in water, after a good hard long walk in the hot sun, because it was hot and because I wanted a walk not to clear my mind because actuallythis diary entry is the only thing that will clear my mind, I know how I function and I have been wanting to write this all day.

I know that a certain thing is over now.

There will be moments where I still feel that prickly feeling of unworthiness or sadness, but these are blisters compared to the main things in life. The main things I have now come to realise. So I will take charge of those things and I will put this behind me. From now on, I will no longer visit anything directly that reminds me of what has happened, because I do not need this thing in my life anymore if such is the response.

There is a very small chance that truly zero time or very little of it has been available for this thing, not on my part. I have to be vague here and I will never give my readers details on this one. If that small chance turns out to be true, then at least I have still learnt something; that my feelings are not to be fucking trifled with -nevermind not by anyone else- but by myself. I have no buisness in feeling unworthy because of anything outside of what I have done.

I'm going to sit outside and watch Quiz Show and read Girl Interrupted, a movie I love and a book that has a lot of good questions. This is who I am and if someone tells you something about things working out for the best, it's bullshit because how could you know this? It may be true but I see no point in wasting time with this particular cliche, life is for living, along the way you will stumble and you'll hit blocks, but you have to go on because if you don't you won't know the best things in life either. There is no pretty little ending, there is just happiness. Sometimes it feels nice to think you are thought of or seen a certain way but when that is over, who says that's your fault!?!


Edit; this has been added about an hr later or whatever, the reason I have been stupid is to confuse one thing for something else, something that is very casual as opposed to ever so slightly meaningful. I believe this to be the case. I'm not saying confusion could never happen again and I do not jump into things but my instincts were wrong on this one, not to say I will not ever follow them again, I just won't give myself a hard time about it should there turn out to be no meaning. I am not hurt, I'm not crying because of someone, if I'm hurt or if I cry it's to let go of a feeling. Till next time, diary, and then I'll have something better for you!

Looks like I'm going to have to start sleep medication again

and have the scary dreams. I'm having more or less 4/5 hours sleep tops. For one week I haven't been able to get more. It's not that hot and I wake up needing the bathroom but I can never get back to sleep and the one time I did, which was last week, it took me 2 hours and then I had a very weird, light sleep and I didn't have to go into work but I kept waking up thinking is it afternoon already..

I'm not happy thinking certain things, which will remain private, positive things, and when I wake that positive is not in my reality. That sounds so pretentious. Looks like I'm going to have to just sit there and have an emotional outburst, well cry basically, and let it all out.

Life is life, things aren't any worse but it's not like I'm dependant on this, I'm calling it a thing to avoid giving details, that's "troubling, "upsetting" (each too strong a word) but I miss the thing.

Another one bites the dust.

I really don't get how some people can be so fragile in one sense and then so not, people say to me oh you have different sides, contrasts, are you fucking kidding me? I have NOTHING on the people out there. I'm way more true to who I am inside. That's not a boast but I can't live a lie and I just think these people are living a lie or they're just brilliant little actors and actresses or they truly have really opposing sides.

I mean, it's not that I hate myself. I hate other people that hate me. Hate is a strong word but they genuinly repulse me not because of the hating me part, but the fact they should pick on a random stranger! It's THAT which although doesn't surprise me or sadden me but shows how bitchy they are. I have known from sometime that I'm alright and I don't NEED to think of myself any other than that, because life isn't a competition to me and I LIKE myself! I DO NOT look to others, I look at them when they point a finger at someone because I HATE them for doing that, I know what that's like, it's happened to me. Seriously, I've never understood the need to big myself up and say I'm awesome. A human being expressing themselves is not that awesome, it's admirable but it's PART of being human. It's your actions and what you can do that are awesome. To go out and not be another person who bites the dust, to conquer THAT to me is truly awe inspiring, awesome is thrown around and I do that too but I'm left in awe of ACTIONS.

I like the company of some people but I don't have a need to have their admiration or respect. It's nice when you get that but I don't get a rush from it and the trouble with expressing yourself is you can never quite express yourself enough. I tend to think of a lot of things and go areas, because I have a lot of time on my hands, and I don't put myself down, I'm realistic but even that doesn't come across in expressing myself as well as I can at that moment. After all, I don't preplan responses.

Why should I? And it's not that I have a problem with being misunderstood or taken another way, merely that I guess I'm different to others who look at themselves and mouth you will succeed or whatever stuff, I just don't think like that. I don't feel the need to be an adjective, I just want to live.

Do what ever it takes. I'm not saying my way is the right way but I am saying we are all different no matter this crap that gets fed to us about human nature.


Also, I read this article. I mean seriously, merely getting stared at is a good day for me. I've had to grow up very quickly and see the dark sides, because it's been exposed, and it's hurtful of course it is, how can you say to ignore it, you'd have to be inhumane or delusional,what you can do is see it and just move forward regardless. The fact that this woman implies that not having her face or hair visible makes her noneity made me see people's fragility. She's out there writing but her appearance is so important or The Rules as in fitting society's bracket.

But then I also don't feel a need in understanding people. I just find them odd. And they find me odd and we find each other odd in different ways. That's how it rolls. I'm all about the connection, just don't expect to solve the riddle that you think is me. I'm no more of a riddle than you, I just express more in a more direct way.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2006/oct/17/gender.religion

So I switch on the tv and I see Michael Jackson tributes..

paid in the best possible way. His music. I heard his lesser known songs, to me they were, and saw the vids, Leave Me Alone and Dirty Diana. By the way, I'm not going to take the presenter David Guest's word on anything or the producers, any producers, but if that song was written about the late Princess Di (and no I don't wish I had a wedding dress like hers and no I did not and do not idolise what I thought was a misunderstood, sensitive woman trying to live her life but also catching the spotlight), then I think she of all people would have appreciated the song. I think she had a good sense of humour.

Today, it's a year on since Michael Jackson passed away. His music, his dancing, his performance, his charisma, that pleasure he got on stage, just watch his face he can't stop smiling, that I idolise.

We will never know what happened in his private life. When I watch him, I don't even think about that but I mention it because the fact is, it could have been true, the rumours could have been true and Michael Jackson is a God on stage but that's all I can know. It is hurtful when you hear things about certain people. And it's not great to see articles, no not in the Daily Mail, I already know what those goons have to say, but one apparently neutral coming off cold, entitled "Better off Dead?" Oh please, I know you want to lose the question mark, you cynical idiot.

And no it's not the Elvis effect as said in article. Yes, Michael is a legend and his music will go on and on and on, and regardles of the cynical money making stuff, it's because people WANT to buy it and they want to hold on to a piece of Michael Jackson. I'm sad that he went regardless of his private life, health and the goons and morons that are the media, he can't be compared to Elvis, Michael was HOUNDED by the press. There was no justification in that because they were making it into a circus.

RIP, a very much missed person.

Trying to live.

I have a book recommendation http://expressyourkink.blogspot.com/2010/06/kinkys-book-of-week.html

and that I am so glad I'm no longer feeling the need to have a Glee marathon everyday. Whilst I love the show, I love freedom more and I hate obsession. I have a great passion for Glee, and I love that I have that without being obsessed with it now. Well, it took a week! I still watch it occasionally, but *violin music* I've changed.

ANYWAY, I'll also leave you with this because I think it ROCKS, Papa Don't Preach

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2Ee4sjySiQ

and my favourite Glee song and scene, True Colours.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81UTooWujlw

WHAT?!

Dear Society and Media,

Your world of airbrushed bullshit has extended to books where a woman's flaws are termed loveable. Who gave you that power to dictate to us how we should look? She has a plump thigh but that's okay because the hero loves it! Is this supposed to be a philosophy? !

Do not lump women in one category. That you are just tapping into people's believes and giving them what they want. You are tapping into insecurity, uncertainty and years of negativity. Never in my life have I looked at a model and said I want to be her. Do not dare to assume that all women look up to models. I think they're awful pretty on the catwalk, but I also believe I am awful pretty in real life which is not a catwalk and I could be awful pretty on a catwalk if I wasn't put in a box and lumped under the real woman category. It's not a competition, beauty comes in different forms regardless of those who call me delusional think.

I don't for a second believe models are immortal or Goddesses, they do their job well and look stunning but I was born with a belief beauty doesn't just fit one category. Even when I bought a magazine, my belief was unshaken. The only time I've been hurt by media and society is when you impress people so much they pick on you for not meeting their ideals. I was tormented visciously for this reason.

The picture with the notes above is to create a point; the company Debenhams wanted to expose airbrushing and the process of it. So my repulsion, anger and sadness is not for them, it's for you society and media who actually looks at a woman and says okay take this off her arm. MY GOD! Excuse me for mentioning this phrase in the same paragraph, but that is EVIL. Satanic evil. WHAT are you playing at?! And have you seen what's done to her thighs?! "It happens all the time." Okay, well please continue in making this happen!

I do not know what to say to young people. That it takes decades before they can accept themnselves? What are you trying to pull?!

Never yours.

Sloppy freakshow babies. You're sloppy babies!

It sure feels good to have that without the " " Of course I didn't invent that line, it was the immortal legend Sue Sylvester.

Well, I miss having Glee on television. It was really nice to have it there and the repeats, which were oft. Now, it's Big Brother. Big FUCKING Brother. So, I see chavs are here to stay. By chav, I personally mean anyone who looks up to Katie Price and Cheryl as their role models. Eww. Yeah, that's extra non chav snooty to you. You all. Isn't it. Not innit, not y'all. I appreciate different styles of music and talking, but I'm not afraid or ashamed of being posh. And actually talking like I learnt English at school and not from the television!

The weather is CRAZY here. I can't ever decide what outfit to pick out and sometimes I'd like to wear something nice. Something colourful and put together, not just trainers, jeans and a nice top. That's become such a uniform to me. Unfortunately, I don't do layering, If I wear a trench coat, I have to wear trousers, I'm 5ft 2 with a woman's body so I tend to look homeless and sloppy (like a freak show baby- woah, actually literally) if I wear cute little shorts and cute little flats along with my waterproof there's going to be a light rain shower- gear. Phew. The problem is these dumb light rain showers, don't always tend to happen and when it's warm I have a burning desire to get the old legs out. Afterall, if I have to endure chavs men in shorts eyeing up girls almost young enough to be their grandaughters, because you just feel embarassed for them,!, then I get to have a tan too.

Oh wow, there are so many horrific women out there. You know those over 30 or 40 who seem to have this new lease of life thing going on and just look you in the eye, no never happen to you okay it's just me, and I look at them and then they'll just continue to look. It's like I'm not going to argue with you Random Stranger. If you're husband has to take viagra to get it up now, don't take whatever bullshit/mediocrity out on me. And they always flirt with these men who insist on buttoning their shirts to their nipple and thus by showing their chest hair and having perma tans and kind of feminine features, I feel embarassed for them. They're hardly Demi Moore and I don't think Aston Kutcher is that great. Neither am I but I'm not putting on any airs.

Okay and last of all, there's a fair few weirdos on the internet. It's amazing how sadistic these people are. One person will know what I mean as to a recent little train wreck.

So, I have to get back to my Glee dvd, and Friends on tv, oh thank fuck for Friends, I HATE british tv, and Grosse Point Blank. Boom! No don't shoot anything!

LOVE IT.