The power you have in a situation.

I can only be cryptic about this. I also believe in choosing what information you put out there. I write to express myself and this is why I am writing this. That doesn't give you as the reader a right to know every single thing about me though I do understand curiosity but it's not about "having it both ways," there are boundaries.

Early this morning, I got thinking about a possible dilemma. It's nothing certain, but it is possible. In writing this, I feel less alone but I also feel I am backing off from doing something that expresses unnecessary worry. I need to let some of this out. The emotion.

I've gone through my plan of action, knowing it may not be successful right to the end, about problems arising from that, about close knit people, I have also gone through a way to actually avert the crisis and you can have a conscious and certain beliefs but when it comes down to it, that's when you truly, not necessarily find out about yourself but you get a better understanding of those who you though were different to you.

Sorry, I can only be cryptic about this.

But, one thing no matter how hard I thought about it, wouldn't go away. Isolation. I felt some bad feelings this morning, anger at certain people in this world, injustice at the stuff I have to go through, and that came from getting a glimpse of being isolated should my crisis arise. Sometimes, you have to reach out to people so you are not completely alone.

And I thought about problems from this situation making me stronger which no doubt they will and how much strength I have found in myself through bullying and through my sexual journey, thanks to Sir and I don't just type that because, in fact He's aware of my other blog but I'm not sure about this one, and how yes, it's hard, you have to take jumps, things can frighten the shit out of you, your heart will beat so fast you're not sure if it's even real, but it's my life. It truly is a life.

And I've also thought about the good of the situation. I can't type anything sentimental about how that makes it all worth it, I can't type that at the moment, but I have thought about the good.

Non conformist conformists.

I'll continue my bashing of them here. A particular breed of ncc is the oh yeah I think that's shit too, quick to jump on a bandwagon which is anti.

I read that Damon Albarn of Gorillaz fame said he's not a fan of Glee going on to say that it takes the place of of artists who ARE credible. Albarn is just speaking his opionion. He's in the music biz, I'm not and I can imagine he's right. Glee isn't just a show, it's produced by Fox and Fox is a big money making company. But I've seen Glee and it's about people who CAN sing, very well, whatever you think of Lea Michele's singing style, she has got one powerful voice and is a good role model for those who still like to pronounce words properly! Although, the way Fox are selling dvds and cds is total money making manipulation, it's a buisness that's only interested in the cash, like that behind Twilight. I love Glee. I rather like Twilight too. But I'm not going to fall into the scams. And I feel sorry for young people who don't have money of their own or are just having to use their pocket or newspaper round money. You produce a show or a movie primarily targetted at young people, have a soul and consider they don't have nearly half as much money as your average adult even those with families and debts.

Still, the ncc's out there mostly ready with their opinion and own crappy life on MSN and Daily Mail, will swoop in with the yeah yeah Glee is not the Beatles and it's a shame they're going to be as successful because Beatles had talent and Glee is does not. First. the Beatles were a CLASSIC band and that's why their songs are being covered by Glee with Paul MCCartney's blessing no less, yeah maybe he wants the money too (I know he must be mega rich but perhaps he has debts to pay) but why can't Kevin McHale be a Beatles fan or a young teenager have influences which aren't JUST *said with pompous voice* "credible musicians"? It's like only certain people are allowed! I know some of this arrogance and ego is all rock and roll but it goes against the non conformity these ncc go on about. And the Beatles also made money, they weren't puppets but there was still a company ready to make something from the formula of 4 reasonably good looking young men who could sing and have a cool image for the time.

Then there's Michael Parkinson whose views in particular his interviews with women never cease to amaze me in the worst possible way. No doubt he's a sexist man and a prude. But of course if he wants to sell whatever he is selling, people will buy it because of his name and his work ethic and his talent. The way the "journalists" are, they will ask provocative questions but shallow ones. What do you think of Russel Brand? Parky said that he didn't see the point in him and thought he was unfunny. Fair enough. It's his opinion. However, again we have the ncc's with their comments on how if you find Russell Brand funny you don't have a sense of humour! Such snobbery! Oh I'm sorry we're only supposed to find certain people funny. Look, I think Brand and Ross were pathetic regarding "Sachsgate" ( we have people starving, dying fighting, floods and hurricanes and yet we still have this making the news to the extent it did)..but I laugh as much when I watch Brand doing his shows as when I did Robin Williams, Joan Rivers, Paul Merton, Al Murray and Ben Elton. I have been a fan of Brand's since that dumb big brother's little brother, which I watched because first his hair took my interest quite frankly and then I could not stop laughing at his comedy and tuned in just for him!

Life is so much better when you're not snarling down at those "below you."

Adapting.

Today morning I felt like utter poo. There is really no other way of describing a feeling of almost overwhelming bletch. I thought I had recovered from a cold, but I still have some symptoms. It's not flu but I think it could be some sort of bug mostly targetting my stomach and sinuses. Obviously I will see a doctor if this doesn't get better tomorrow. I feel rundown, I felt so lacking energy this morning. If I had food in the fridge, I would have just stayed in but alas I am not so organised and it's not snowing here, I could do with the excersise and the little sun that we get. But still, I just kept sniffling outside. My body felt fragile.

Anyway, I wanted to escape from my environment either, go home or book a holiday and just take off to sunnier climes.

I do have things over here to stay for and I could have gone home but where's the sense in giving someone else my virus? In any case I decided to adapt to the unglamourous and inconvenient,!, environment around me. It could be worse, I could walking straight onto Oxford Road in London stuck in crowds and people coughing in your face, I'm serious; PLEASE use a tissue! But I'd still have to go out. I did think about just staying in and starving and eating the odd cereal and fig but aside from the wicked voice that told me I need something tangy in my mouth, careful,!, I thought I should just buck up and get some sun, food and excersise.

It was nice to sweat a little, I wore a warm coat, and it was also nice to see other people covering up. It's only 10 degrees celsius here and there's no excuse for being so irresponsible as to give other people your colds, flu's and other illnesses.

And I really think escaping from the weather at this moment if you haven't got arthritis or are not retired, is taking the piss a little, I mean we're such weaklings, just adapt to the non snowing, not that cold weather around you!

Panic.

I think you can have a mild form of a panic attack where it slowly builds up on you as opposed to rapidly and your heart beats pretty fast for an hour. That's been happening to me right now. I've had that feeling about half an hour after the newness of coming back home. Settling in, I just feel I need to write this because whenever I have tried to tell someone about things I go through, I get "depressing," or "let's move on" and when someone does listen and welcome or encourage me, I'm not in a place where I can just open up like this. I have to be going through it at the time. Not because I can't bare to open up, but because I can't honestly open up, because it has to be something I am going through at the time.



I woke up good to go. I had an alright sleep. I've been eating well today.



The main part of my panic is other people. I will continue to be shocked and a little too happy when someone is nice to me. "Someone is nice to me" sounds childish but literally that is what it is. I don't crave nice but because I'm a fairly nice person, always have been from childhood, I actually do enjoy the company of people and once I was a bubbly little girl, so I like to be treated the way I treat others. Sometimes I can be rude to others too. I ignore people, not too long ago I would ignore someone if they said "excuse me." I started this when I was 14, after being bullied daily at school.



I still have trouble looking at people and I never had that problem before I was daily bullied. I was always picked on for something, the colour of my skin, being me, my hair, a few extra pounds and being a short girl, it was all something that combined made anyone laugh when someone complimented me and name calling and animal noises were the sounds I heard from my age group.



Of course this is already starting to sound like a pity party. But how else can you tell the truth? Insert a few jokes to make it pallitable? I'm into honesty big time. I WANT honesty.



Of course I don't want honesty by the way of aggression or superficiality.



If any one says anything about someone's appearance they will be accused of being jealous but sometimes because I know what it's like to be picked on, targetted for being different, I don't enjoy the things and people who are in fashion they way others do. I will always root for the underdog. Especially if it's a woman who's picked on for her appearance. I was told that I'm not worth being alive, when I told my grandma this only recently she looked shocked. What upsets me is not being told I'm not worth a life by superficial people, iit's the fact that my grandma said I wish that happened to me and not you. Who wants to be told that and who wants their daughter or grandaughter or son to be told that?



When I went out today, the air was a little warm and it reminded me of India. I think I was always picked on from as young as 4, I know at schools in England, I was the bullied kid, but I look at photos of me about three in India, I look the happiest I have ever been. Really I don't get happier than that. Because back then, I didn't know cruelty. Now, I can be happy but I know cruelty and sometimes I experience it. No I am not raped. Or beaten. Or starving. Or neglected. But I have been on a bus ride where a young man has stared at me for the duration and when I stared back, he had the most evil look on his face. I'm used to that look. I hate her. I would probably want to hurt her. I tell someone this, they will say you are paranoid. You're a pretty girl, a woman, men won't think that about you. When I'm out and I've given vibes that I'm not a pretty woman. And this isn't about pretty. I just do not like aggression. It comes from women too. I can smile, I can raise my body, lift my head, but I will always get one comment at least and from someone from my age group more so. I know whom they idolise, what and who they find pretty so I don't care to even bother with their own high standards and, I know that a tall thin woman can be equally as bitchy as a larger woman, arseholes come in different shapes and sizes.



The panic I feel comes from not being able to be safe. I feel like I want a day where I can just hide in. Because then I'm safe. No one will hurt me.



I want to let out some pain by writing this.



I don't feel trapped. I don't feel like I am projecting to the world what they have tried to make me. Because they have not suceeded, though they have suceeded- and that's combined with my letting them and being sensitive- in making me feel sad and angry, perhaps I'm angry most of the time, but it's not them which has shaped my career, my writing (fiction), my passions, because they have always been there. I have a strong sense of indviduality despite wanting to not stand out, I have some part of me that wants to be known, I'm here in this world that kind of thing, contributing to this world, but I don't enjoy attention or standing out in the crowd, and that's not because of the fear part, it's because I would much rather be in the corner and observe. This isn't some ego thing, oh I have all these different sides to me, but if you do have these different sides to you, it throws people off, they don't know what to make of you. Perhaps I intimidate them. HA! But you see, I don't want to do that, I just want to be the caring woman, the woman I am inside. Instead, I feel not like a monstor, God no that's too dramatic, but like a loser. Not worth living. And to be laughed at.



I've always believed in my worth, which makes no sense to others, they say but surely you have low self esteem and you're shy because of having being bullied. I was always shy but I could be bubbly and laugh the loudest at the same time.



I feel a bit calmer now. The heavy feeling I get on most mornings may or may not be there to whatever extent tomorrow. I can be happy, I can also be moody, I know I can rely on myself, I know that I can also breakdown, I know some people will be there for me, perhaps one or two may catch me.

Fake tan and fake breasts? Why mess with what you have.

Both photos have been airbrushed but the woman in the black and white shot, Liz Hurley does not have skin that looks like it could literally peel off, like an orange unlike the woman who's not Liz Hurley. That's Danielle Lloyd and she's a glamour model more than a model. But there are glamour models who look in proportion and I know some women are top heavy but I think Lloyd got herself some breast implants. Her whole look is about the hair extentions, tan which if it should die down from a holday will most likely be topped up lest she look..pale, and big sturdy looking boobs. I'm sure Liz Hurley is into the hair extentions and tan, in particular the tan which is an obsession. But I think the sturdy boobs of non Hurley and orange look to her legs make her look clumped on those shoes. It looks fake even for an airbrushed picture and there's something not quite right there. The breasts don't look soft, only her face looks a little soft and feminine whereas as Hurley looks lithe, like an athlete almost. It's not about having something out of proportion which you can feel about yourself and yet somehow your out of proportions fit, it's natural, but when you start playing around with that, it gets to a weird world of clones. It goes from wanting to look "healthy" to not tolerating any "flaw" about yourself.

It's like noise.

"I'm sad about this. Most of her appeal was based upon the fact that she was an ordinary looking girl with an incredible talent.

Having watched the new episodes of Glee I am sad to say she has started "believing the hype" has lost about 15 pounds and become the antithesis of why she was so like able in the first place......

Take note Lea.....people like the diamond in the rough, and once you change your image and become a clone of everyone else in Hollywood then we start to lose interest.... myself included!

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1316294/Glees-Lea-Michele-shakes-geeky-image-semi-naked-photo-shoot.html#ixzz112bvCFdC"


First, I never even noticed how thin she was until I read must be 100 comments each time an article of some sort appears on Lea Michelle. I read them because I happen to like Glee, and I love this girl. I think she has a GREAT voice and I love her passion. I'm glad she says she's a bit like Rachel..it's funny because before her so called anorexia, the critics would take that and turn it into oh Lea the diva.

I liked her because of her talent and I thought she had an expressive, nice face. I don't find her ordinary looking..in fact if she's ordinary looking, then congratulations on your high standards.

Second, in my opinion if Heather Morris looks like this http://images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/9300000/Heather-Morris-Brittany-glee-9318666-401-600.jpg and by the way I don't believe in a perfect body but I will say this picture shows off her fucking fantastic waist and hips, then I think Lea can make the best of herself too. No, I do not think she looked fat before. I loved how she looked before but people do evolve. I thought the sun shines out her ass before and I think the same for now. Also, Heather Morris has bigger boobs and Lea Michelle has small ones. That's how she is built. It doesn't in my opinon make her less feminine, she also has a waist. And it's as pretty and feminine. She has small hips too..which obviously makes her an infertile lost cause!

You just have to look out of your own eyes instead of this crap that every woman should look like Christina Hendricks. Congrats if you do, I adore her milky skin and if you're a breast man, there's lovelines for you there a plenty.

But, cool it with "the perfect body." It should be about the perfect body for YOU.

Third, I doubt Lea Michelle had bought into the hype. She's a vegan and most of the time there's an article, it's a big part of her life so it is mentioned. I think being a vegan has changed her body. Plus she dances for the show and they were doing live concerts. If she is getting too thin, then I'm pretty sure she would be collapsing and she would need to address her weight. I don't think a woman who reads a magazine and sees a voluptuous but wasp waisted woman has any education into what is too thin and what isn't. She in my opinion has just been brainwashed and thinks the only body types in existence are big boobs and small waists or her own body type.

It is bullshit that you can not better yourself and by that I mean in a way that you think is bettering yourself, even if you are doing it to just lose weight or tone up, the idea that you should only do it if you need to..it just means you should stick to being stuck in a box, being a whore for society, not daring to DO something on your grounds.

Work hard. Play hard.

Seriously, if we don't push ourselves, we get lazy and bored. It's nice to have a nice relaxing time and there are extremes in this world, luxury and mints in your drink on the one hand and then wondering if you're going to get beaten up because you looked at someone on the other.

I know why this happened. I've got this mix of sensible and needing to push myself when it comes to work and family. Right now, I couldn't imagine one day where I sat at home doing nothing. Almost as if I should be making every minute count. My, my, I thought carpe diem was only reserved for "Neil Perry" types and I was always more of a "Todd Anderson."

On the one hand in my life I have eroticism, it's pretty intense, deep, and it's kinky eroticism and on the other hand, I am breaking away from looking up every single bdsm book and movie. I watched Juno this movie with Ellen Page the other day, I've seen it before, the character's a little annoying but ultimately that inner strength is something I have always admired long before anything. Today, I'm just listening to The Doors, probably becoming a new fan, watching Junebug (how to describe it? Interaction-y, a little awkward, weird, still, I love it) and reading The Great Transformation by Karen Armstrong. A book passed onto me by my Sir.

Tomorrow, I will be visiting my grandma. I just decided that today.

Although I have a job lined up, I have also decided to fill in more applications for just about anything which I can practically apply for. I'm not going to stand on a mountain as a hello welcome people greeter as I'd fall off and puke on the people, carpe diem or no, nothing about that job appeals to me aside from being so out in the air but I am going to go a little further than a local library.

Why? Because I should push myself.