If I was depressed would I still be angry

Cos I can tell you I react like a complete normal person when someone gives me shit and most people would have died by now. I have been putting up with shit for more than 20 years. The problem is I'm so angry but I have no outlet. If I look someone in the eye in return they just carry on and smirk. Like this stupid idiot when I was shopping, so you can stare at me and stop walking but when i looked back at you, it was like you just vomited your lunch. You fucking bitch, you're wearing layers of make up and your hair is processed and you probably look up plastic surgery, I have big boobs, a small waist and my hair is natural and I habve radiant skin anyway. How the fuck did I for a minute feel low because of YOU?!

And some fucking 5 year old piece of white trash give ME shit. Just because I dont look like your stupid celebrities, I'm fit and healthy, how the fuck dare you give me a hard time. I didnt deserve it before when I wasn't fit but I know how superficial you all are and now you're giving me the same treatment; Fuck you. I'll grow my hair so long you'll be jealous, it's thick anyway unlike your over processed hair extensioned FAKE "locks" and Ill wear heels and I'll go to bdsm clubs and make every man want to fuck me. And you'll still give me shit. But you have NOTHING on me, you are NOTHING but you still manage to make one trip for a few hours hard for me, why do you do this..what the fuck do you have to gain. why can't you leave me alone. You can't take it out on someone else, no it's me, always me, I can see nothing shuts you up. You fucking bitches and bastards, you women aren't beautiful are you really if you make someone feel like this, what are you hiding underneath, and you men are hardly great and one has to wonder how much time you spend in the mirror and how high your standards will be when you become humbled by something in your life.

I didn't want to be told this.

So, I went to the doctors and I was told I was depressed. I haven't been sleeping, my main issue and I scratch and scratch at rashes and pick at scabs, I'm fidgety when awake and when asleep. But I didn't want to hear the word depressed. You know why? Because I feel like a loser when I'm told this and I don't want to be told I'm lacking. I KNOW that to certain parts of society I am seen as lacking so I just can't be depressed AS WELL. I'm not calling people with depression a loser but what I'm saying is I feel like I loser because I ain't exactly a winner in this world. I don't want to be this big thing don't get me wrong and don't you think by now I would have done something more to achieve more stuff, the thing is I'm happy just writing and earning to keep a roof over my head and feed and clothe myself. I do want to earn more just for the future but I have no big need for a fancy car or house probably because my family is doing okat money wise and I've never been short of money, not that we holiday and go on cruises, we're too sensible. And that's cool with me. I've veered off a bit, so there is a label attached to depression but mostly if someone popular got told they were depressed, noses would be less turned down but me? Oh gosh I can just hear the yeah I sort of knew this already coming on, suddenly everyone is a doctor.

I did question the doctor and tell him everything that I could think of as I tend to but he was determined I was depressed. he's not the first person who has diagnosed me with this but the person before didn't exactly give it as a diagnosis.

So I'm on anti depressant which will calm me down, I already feel calm though I just have the habit of picking at stuff and I have very itchy like reflexes, once I start that place goes red because it's SO itchy. I keep my nail short and do all the stuff a good hygenic little girl is supposed to do and I know can be excitable but I do love life, I just have a problem with the people who havea problem with me but come on that's just being human. I'm sensitive for sure but I'm also brave..doesn't mean I can't be depressed too but I don't feel that I fit the other symptoms of depression, I do appreciate there are differnt "levels."

I'm a loner as well but I do like company I just don't trust that easily. Can you blame me, considering I have been bullied since pre school, not a moan just a fact. I tell everyone I've been bullied, I ain't ashamed of other people's prejudices, they aren't my own, I look fine, I act fine, I talk fine and I walk fine but for some reason people have always had a problem with me. And I'll be the first to say I'm weird and a little deep.

The problem I have is certain people, you know what I mean, getting diagnosed with depression.

Cunts, sluts and big teeth.

Just to be clear, those are not my words.

Oh the world is full of shit for sure. I'm watching this programme on youtube, Sex How to Do everyhting, I LOVE it, and there's people calling the presenters cunts, posh, oh she has big teeth, sluts.

EVERYONE is allowed to have the same opportunities and to say that no one will want to have sex with these women and that they can't present a show like this is heinous, why not just call yourself a Nazi.

I mean we can all see people's features. You know like I've said before, I don't ever wish my legs were longer or anything like that, if I'm hard on myself for a scab it's because I'm actually the root of the problem because I itch, pick and sratch and it's myself I'm mad at, not my appearance directly.

I've posted a link and I'm under Renabulous. If you have anything to say to someone who calls women sluts and cunts, I'd be grateful if you could take the time and say it. I know, we'll get abusive comments but there's always blocking and ignoring. I'm just not going to allow someone to post their comment and especially have people actually thumbs up on it for being an intolerant douche.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OuFkpdhXTdI&has_verified=1

We get plenty of intolerant douches in people who just have a problem with themselves and others. I really think if you have to take shit out on someone else, you've got issues yourself. You know what, maybe it is jealousy, how DARE anyone exist who doesn't fit your prejudices whatever it is, but mostly it's intolerance. Who do you think you are? You're on the cover of Vogue or never going to be on a cover, that should not define you but clearly it does and whatever problems I have, I can tolerate AND love myself. People like me, we don't need love from others, but when we get it, we know how to appreciate it's not for some selfish oh, see I am worth it just because so and so thinks so.

This is all so fucked up and yeah so I am but at least I'm not intolerant like this, who the hell made these people?!

What the hell.

Do I just completely hate myself or what. I've decided to pick at my face so much it's bled. In one area. How many times have I said to myself although any deep pimples take time to heal, in my case weeks, let them heal and don't make them bleed but no I'm always looking for a solution. Get the stuff out, well with that stuff comes blood. And now it's far worse plus I could have an infection as I had once before. I'm not going to pay for some cream which may or may not work especially by the time I get it, it'll be days after, I need to see a dermatologist but I'm too fucking tired and I've never seen one before, will I be put on a waiting list even if I go privately? I just want to wait until a scab forms, will it even form? I've lost the will to have a plan b. But why did I pick at it? What the hell. No one is angrier with me or more disgusted than myself, trust me I let myself down as much others. I think I have some kind of hurt me streak inside. Like things weren't too bad, I was getting sun, air and had my two jobs, now I just am back to being this closeted mouse. What the hell.

I'm fairly sure this little self destructive streak started when I had too much time on my hands, more than usual, yesterday, I should just keep myself busy doing SOMETHING when I don't have work. I'm such a shit, people have real problems and I make problems for myself. I'm pathetic but I also can be pretty fucking kick arse and awesome, I need to stop letting other people's comments get to me. Long ago, I threw away the idea I would ever get anything but mocked by those bastards, now why can't I see bastards come in different forms, they can be a 40 year old mum or a 20 year old woman, it doesn't matter, I just need to love myself COMPLETELY. I don't hate myself but I do things which just make me want to throttle my own little neck.

Unwelcome company.

The kind you just want to say, try the concept of shutting doors but you know you can't as there will be a big argument. Nothing ventured nothing gained? Yeah, try dealing with people as opposed to clearly "people" lacking a certain something. I've heard things suggested to these "people" and they just bellow.

Last week was a load of old shit in the sense that had I known this week would be so shit, I would have thanked my lucky stars to be alive and functioning. This week, I'm having major problems with sleep and a few other things with me but the sleep is the big one. I've made an appointment but I still have to wait. The idea of sitting in a room for 2 hours and then getting seen to is not that appealing when there have been 50% success rates from my experience, I sound like a robot I know, so I would rather just wait two days for a better chance of success.. and till then I have this herbal remedy. It's okay but gives incredibly freaky dreams and then I wake with a jolt and can't get back to sleep- the usual problem minus the jolt part.

It's good to go outside, in fact I find it works for me but I just can't do it.

I just wish the noise would at least go away, not like it's been a week only.

I thought the absolute worst, it's not just a trait of mine it's

because shit happens in my life.

Okay, let's just say i did only THINK the absolute worst.

I'm so fucking relieved. As well as stupid but mostly I am just, like, can you say just fucking..what's the word.

Oh FUCK. Why do I do this to myself. But it's okay. For a change, it's okay.

The worst part is that I miss the talks.

Forget everything else,everything else even pales in comparison because they can be controlled but this talk part the fact it's not existing, that's what I miss. I function on an intellectual basis, sounds pretentious and untrue I know, but when it gets to me through that, that's where the problem starts.

A month, a new season, Christmas, and this could be it. When and if the missing dies down, it's the knowledge.

This is all sounds intense, too intense and it's not that intense, it sounds like I'm making this into a big drama, I just don't know how to articulate it without coming off strong on this blog.

There was nothing I misread at the time when this was happening I am clear on that now. The mistake is having feelings but things stopped well before those were out there.

For the sake of all things sane, this will have to stop now and so this is the last I will talk of this. I just had to get this out as I didn't in my blog yesterday. Any new developments, you won't read it on here but I know there won't be. That's the realist in me.