"Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... give me truth."

I read something yesterday, about living on the outside, about being isolated, about living in your bubble or cell. It's funny but in that I find liberation. Freedom comes from knowing what I want and going after it, nervous, fearful, terrified perhaps.



I've been ignoring people, being a quiet woman, perhaps rude to most. I've been thinking a lot about what I want. I orignally typed what it was but actually, why should I say. But in this thing that I want, I get pushed. I want to be pushed, don't take me as I am when I don't know what I could be. I want to be presented for the sake of being used. Now take what you want from that word. It's as simplistic or deep as you make it. I can be all different things on the outside but inside, ME, that hasn't gone anywhere. Ultimately I want the simple life. Basic. I have possessions but you can take them away from me. Yes, even technology. I don't have an interest in gadgets, in buying small things, I think they look nice and pretty but nice and pretty is just that to me. I'm interested and single mindedly so nowadays in being the woman in the corner who doesn't say or do anything but to survive basically and have a few laughs, much like how I was when I was a child, and going into, reading and writing literature, films and erotica.



I've always wanted to be institutionalised in some way. I used to think it was to make friends but it's actually because I love something about it. Safety? Conformity? Belonging? The day it becomes about that, that's the day I quit the instituition. I want truth, more than love, pleasure (money, faith, fame- mean bullshit to me) and truth comes from where there is honesty. There's too much shallowness in this world for honesty and honesty doesn't come from anything bad, it comes from a good place.




"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."— Chris McCandless

You can't touch this. HI!

http://expressyourkink.blogspot.com/2010/08/hey-honeys.html

I'd post more but am a bit tired really! (cos I used this thing called my brain today as opposed to just my big fat sex appeal *snort).

http://www.indiegogo.com/Home-Ill-Never-Be-Jack-Kerouac-and-Lowell?i=pite

Appearance, body image, beauty, envy, all that jazz.

I'll keep it short for now.

I read a book where I felt a little..angry is too strong a word..envious fits though, of the heroine's appearance. Not uncommon for me. I mean Comfort Food, Comfort Object made me also envy the heroine. Though Comfort Food didn't gives us details, just that the heroine was beautiful- well the hero says she's stunning and he saw something beautiful and decided to break it. In Comfort Object, the heroine would also be stunning. Red hair, green exotic eyes. Deep In The Woods a book I read today- she's Snow White to the hero. Her face is pale, her hair jet black, her face is shaped leonine it's described and her eyes pale pale violet. Lucky her, I thought. The hero is captivated and then I went from thinking lucky her, to I'm nothing like her. I mean I'm not stunning, I don't mean it in a self depricating way. There's just nothing contrasting in my appearance. I have jet black hair AND dark eyes. And yeah okay my skin contrasts with my hair but that's about it. I see contrasts in my body and I am happy with the way I look but why do I get made to feel I'm lacking? I mean it's not the authors..is it? God, I'm being an illogical bitch. It's ME.

I know bullying made me more sensitive about my appearance and even though I've changed, I'm no stunner, I don't have people showing me interest like the heroine in Deep In The Woods. It's actually the opposite with me. I mean you know, from reading my previous blog posts.

Look, I'm happy with myself. Okay bottom line- I sometimes wish I looked like HER, you know the woman you read about or the woman you see in the mall never mind the fucking magazine, sorry I tend to swear late in the nights, it's partly to amuse myself,I don't think I'm ugly. I can look ugly. When I don't get sleep for nights on end, I look so drained- I get so pale and I think my face is too big and round..but I could go on.

I DO think I'm worthy and when I insult myself like this I'm insulting my Sir, yes you read right and no you won't get any more details, but this is what I feel inside. I guess I need to change and I KNOW I need to be more confident. Because I know I can love myself and be sexual and be so free, but I also know how much I want to hide when I go outside. Get noticed, I do get a little thrill but get mocked, I have to deal with that and not let it affect me.

Sometimes I think, what if HE thinks I'm lacking?

So this is the truth, and I needed to say this.

And the worst of it is, I intended to type this for him but just clicked on this site and got typing here. That says so much about how I'm using this site and who I am. Yes, push away the real and use a space, use it to vent in a passive aggressive way.

Oh.

Love songs sound better.

I understand the smaller lines in them.

I take more care over my appearance. I want to look as beautiful as I can be.

I'm pushing myself work wise, when I'm outside, when I write, when I read. Erotica is a big passion of mine, now reading, reading a GOOD book is a passion of mine.

I'm learning to control myself. Rise above the bad, and it's working.

I'm not in love.

No, I have no rosy outlook. But I see a future.

And actually, I'm scared of what could be.

If you ask me, since my realisation from last week, part of me wishes I hadn't had it- because then I could hide and be mediocre. But now, I have to put myself out there and I know the difference between my daily life outside in the world I don't belong in, I don't in the sense of someone who's just an outsider, a nobody, and how I am the same person I am now, writing this, to how I am in this daily life.

A million things run through me each second.

When I see other people, I see that they see something in me, not of worth. Fuck them.

There's no "victory march" There may never be closure. There may never be social victory. But I know what there will be and I urge any woman to go out there and go for it. No success, no failures, just experience after experience, you learn from both good and bad and the bad can be so hurtful and lethal, but you will survive- and I'll bet you'll survive because you took that chance of putting yourself out there.

I'm going to post this on fetlife as well.

What category this would fit into there and anywhere else, I don't know.

Everyone has their beliefs. I think people change but I don't think you can make someone change or a group change. Not that I want to manipulate anyone but I've often had people say I am broadminded. I'm not special, I can articulate but I don't think of myself as a big deal, because humanity, broadmindednes, the ability to articulate I believe comes with experience and requires no special skill or talent, I think every human should have at least humanity and be broadminded. My point in posting on here is that I have seriously been thinking why I want to participate in the bdsm lifestyle. And to me it will be a lifestyle. I want to evolve. I was going to use the word pushed but I don't want to be pushed in terms of pain for the sake of it. I will go through pain, I will enjoy it because of the person giving me it.

Under no circumstances, do I want to be bullied. There are times where I have felt, hurt me. Hurt me like I hurt inside. The person who gives me the pain, who gives me what they want to give me, should respect me too. And someone who respects me wouldn't hurt me without a reason. That doesn't imply that hurting me with a reason means they respect me. I don't believe in that.

I don't understand human nature. I don't understand giving strangers a hard time. I don't understand putting someone down. Sure, I'm told it's because of such and such reason but I have no patience or empathy for that. In time, I have become stronger, I think faster, I work harder. Cliche but so, so true for me and I would say a fair few people.

What I am looking for is someone or some people who believe in what I have said above. Those who believe different, unless you harm other people, I don't have a problem with you and I would love to mix with you but I won't do anything sexual with you. Well, I think I won't. I'm horny. I'm incredibly aroused most of the time. I tingle, I crave and I need but I value what I have written which has come about after thinking furiously for the past few days.

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than not be with someone who I can get into a relationship with which is selfless, and I do believe some are, and real connection. Love? I know that word, I know that feeling but I believe MORE in a real connection. To look for kink? It's not the be all and end all. I think there's an element of kink in "vanilla" relationships and so I would gladly go as vanilla as needed or as kinky as needed. It all depends on the relationship because I don't define relationships by kinky or not and they don't make the whole of that relationship.

I don't just want to explore my sexuality, I want to live. The bad, by that I mean the mistakes, I will take, I'll go through it, I want to learn, I have my beliefs as I've written above but I'm human like everyone else and nothing special, no more intelligent, I believe special comes from the bdsm, I actually do believe that and not because someone is better than someone else. I will leave those labels for society. I'm not looking for acceptance no matter that it hurts I don't get it from others because it should and will, I know from experience, only come from me.

Okay, essay over and just one more thing, don't judge me from my appearance. Whether that's your natural instinct, just remember that face you see is in a snapshot. If you see me in person, you still don't see all of me.

To do. Week of 25th.

1. Let nothing stop you. Nothing. Remember your priorities, rise above bullshit, rise above the superficial, remember yourself, do yourself proud.

2. Ring for a job every morning and then update your CV, letters and personal statements. Focus on libraries for the next three days. This includes chasing up.(I leave my current job in two weeks).

3. Chores.

4. Read The Story of O and blog about it.

5. Keep in touch with fetlife everyday. I've joined a site that I will blog about later. I won't give too much away in the sense of talking about other people on there.

First of all, the internet is full of real bullshit. What, I didn't already know that?

But yesterday I found out that I lost some pretty major papers. The worst is when you are responsible for them for someone else as well as yourself. I freaked. Today, I rang up and am getting duplicates sent out. Those duplicates aren't for my peace of mind, they are necessary, I need these papers.

In my search and casting my mind back, I realised that not only did I need so and so set of papers, I needed these others. The whole thing is very odd. Yes I am a messy, untidy person but I found every other thing yesterday but what I was looking for. For me, that's rarely ever the case. I always put myself through hell and stick with it. I take a little break even though I don't want to and go back. I did this four times yesterday. Today I just feel tired.

In the night, I had to sleep knowing that my problem wasn't solved and that I had no clue as to whether it would be, you see to a get a duplicate of one of my papers I read would be a real problem, I didn't even know who to call. I just made a list of possibilities. It was out of my depth. Now it's sorted and I thank my lucky stars that I got someone very on the ball and cooperative on the phone. They made my call easy and trust me after having the line go dead on me for the other set of papers call, that was a relief. I am so thankful to this person. They better follow through!

As better the other people.

I can't believe the shit I read over the net. I know policies vary but talk about scaring someone. And they weren't advertising anything and they were posting of recent things, so clearly they have their information wrong. Or their company is just VERY different.

When I went to sleep, I dreamt and stuck so close to my fantasy of being dominated. That came up because I wanted someone to lean on. Strength that I didn't have. I am independant but I wanted to hear, everything is going to be okay.

I couldn't sleep properly.

Our will can be strong. Sometimes we stick to illusions or fantasies or thoughts, certain thoughts because and or especially when we can't face the reality or problems. I wanted to run away last night. I wouldn't know where to go. A hotel would make me even more depressed. But I wanted to stay with a friend. She would know who she is though she may doubt it. I have two very good female friends far far away. And there's one lady who I really feel something with, like we could be close friends too.

I want to feel alive and young. Even when I was young I was afraid. I realise this is a thing with me. But I also know I can get through it and I am good in situations despite the fear. This morning I ROCKED.

It's selfish to want people when you're in need, otherwise to push them away and to push away people who are already there when you're in trouble otherwise you want them.